Could the reason I haven’t made mum friends be my age?

[Dentalxray]

Dd been at primary school for three years and in that time I’ve not made a single mum friend, they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first and then it’s just surface level stuff like the weather. Nothing to do with dds behaviour she’s a good girl and it’s been like this since reception. I do worry she might be missing out in the summer when the other mums meet up with the kids.
I had her at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me, be honest would you want to be mum friends with someone that much younger than you? Or could it be something else?

A few over three years it’s really not much mostly birthday parties. They all lived in actual houses with gardens my home is honestly very small and I don’t want her to be teased. Play dates at my place wouldn’t be great anyway because of space we spend a lot of time at parks or at the beach anyway because of this. I could try swimming but honestly the amount of times I’ve tried with the park I don’t think the response would be different.

But are you asking people to meet you at the park, as in the mum with their child? As that isnt helpful for people, you need to offer to pick up from school, look after their child for an hour or two, then drop them home? Also how much notice are you giving people - if you are wanting to do outdoors are you waiting to the last minute to be sure of good weather? People need more notice, you need to be giving at least 2 weeks so that people can rearrange activities etc.

Why are you so hung up on meeting at the park or beach, do you have a dog or something? If so that might also be a factor, not everyone trusts dogs around children. Maybe their children aren't as outdoorsy and dont want to meet at the park after school?

And you have to stop thinking you cant have kids over due to space.
Kids aged 8 dont need loads of space they will just play together it will be fine. You need to stop using this as an excuse to avoid inviting kids over, are you never going to allow your daughter to have a friend over

Its possibly your age when having her they will be making assumptions about benefits/no dad/not working/ no education

But i guess its just a growing gap between parets having them late 30s and others teens

Ive a 11yo as dc2 and nearly 47. Thats around average round here. But my dc have asd and adhd so excluded them and me for that.

Some parents im not that keen on if they are feeding kids junk like prime or energy drinks. But others may well not be keen on their kids mixing with kids with no dad for eg.
But also my 11yo was doing ok for friends in school and onvited to parties for years but ultimately wasnt being invited to 1-2-1 playdates and now really struggles. So maybe there is more going on even though you think its not to do with dd?? Because kids will sometimes to asking to meet up with their besties outside of school. It can be hard to cross from school friend to play dates etc

Have you not tried hosting a birthday party or going to one and chatting to parents?

I used to run a toddler group when my kids were little. Some mums would complain to me that they struggled to make friends, that the group was 'cliquey' that people weren't friendly. 100% of the time the problem was the person complaining, not the group.

There are a lot of different people out there. If you're struggling with all of them, then the common denominator is you. It sounds like you're very insecure about your house, which I get, but it would definitely be worth trying to work through that as it will make a huge difference.

Be aware also that making friends as an adult takes a lot of time, sometimes years. If you're serious about it, you have to be willing to put in the effort. It pissed me off when people at the toddler group exchanged a few words with others then somehow expected friendship to magically appear.

So invite to your house then YOU take them to the park? We have a h ouse and a garden but we often take children to the park when we have them for playdates.

I think it could well be your age but I don’t think it’s likely to be because other Mums look down on you. It’s more likely because people tend to hang out with roughly the same age people. They might also not realise that you are looking for friends.
I hang out with people much younger than myself but my proper friends tend to be a similar age.

This is a really good shout - just minimise how long they are in your flat for if you are worried about space. Collect DD and a friend from school, walk home and literally just dump school bags, use the loo and maybe grab a snack to take, and head straight out to the park? You could even walk them to a local cafe and get them a hot choc or similar treat if you want to avoid being in a small space too much?

Some people are being judgey though, take this comment just before mine

"I would certainly question your life choices and how they jar with my own views of right and wrong. Life choices would also merge into questioning other choices, particularly around parenting styles, and whether your attitude to life is one I'd want being an influence on my child (which it would be if we were to become actual friends)."

I'm also not sure that age is any better an indicator on having things in common than anything else.

Please don't worry about living in a flat, the kids won't care at all. Also your actual living space may be just as big as a house. I live in a terraced Victorian house but our actual rooms are tiny! Kids just bundle in and don't care at all.

They probably know each other or have mutual friends etc. I have quite a few 'Mum friends' at my kids school and there was a situation where another mum said to me at a birthday party about feeling a bit left out that we were all friendlier with each than with her and how she'd heard some of the kids had been to a bbq together etc and I had to explain that we'd all been friends since primary school, half of us had been each others bridesmaids and were the kids godparents and some of us even had siblings who were together. We never intentionally left any of the mums out and we did do some things as a school mum group but we and our kids were naturally spending more time together because of family events etc. I do make an effort to include her in conversations when we're picking up etc though.

I also think its ok not to invite kids back to your house and invite out to the park etc. I'm the same in that I don't have kids back here and no ones ever accused me of being rude I have a small house and three kids so practically it doesn't really work. Does your daughter do any sports? The place I made the most purely mum friends was when my daughter started football. There's a lot of time to be stood around with other parents between the practices and games its almost inevitable that you'll end up on friendly terms. The eldest mum in that group is early 50 and I'm the youngest at 30 but most are in their early 40's. Age has never really been an issue between us.

I imagine age will be a factor and that's just because you're a different generation to many of them. They may think you don't want to be friends with them as they're so much older than you. My eldest daughter is nearly 8 and I'm 39, so if there was a 20 year old Mum I'd probably think you don't want to be friends with me 🙂. My youngest is 3 so by the time she is 8 I'll be even older 😂I have the opposite concern there - I've taken her to a few parties already and feel so old there in comparison to some of the parents! So don't take it too personally. I doubt it's having much affect on play dates etc because the kids will be friends with who they want and will make that known to their parents, so your daughter won't be missing out.. To be honest, my eldest is in year 3 and despite most of the parents being a similar age to me, I'm not particularly close to any of them. We'll chat and I have got to know them at parties etc, but outside of play dates and parties there's not a friendship. I see you've already tried to arrange a park date etc.

Is there may be one friend she is close to you could invite to your house for tea? I know you've said about being worried about her being teased, but if you make it fun they honestly won't even think about the size of your flat. My house iss small in comparison to some of my kids friend's houses so I totally get how you feel about that. Just make sure the place is clean and tidy, and think up some fun activities for them to do - and ask the Mum if she wants to stay for a coffee. xx

I made good friends at the school gates, mainly through the DC, but I wasn’t friends with all their friends’ parents! I was mid-30s when my eldest started and ‘young’ - I talked to the older parents about playdates and often had a coffee at pick up to be sociable, with any parent if they asked.
My actual friends were more around my age,
Is there a class WhatsApp?

Pick a mum you’d like to be friends with, message her privately (hopefully your class has a WhatsApp chat you can get her number from) and invite them round for a play date/to the park. It will be easier if their child is someone your daughter actually is friendly with, so target them first! Good luck, but agree with everyone else that you’ll probably have to make the first move as most will assume you’ve better things to do with your time! Xx

I had my first child when I was in my early 30s so I'm about the average age amongst the school mums. I do find subconsciously I hang out with those a similar age to me. The younger mums tend to group together and the older mums group together. Having said that, I wouldn't be put off being friends with someone much younger (or older) if they were friendly. You could try hosting some play dates or inviting people out for coffee.

You have something very big in common with those people - you share a hobby. The only thing definitely in common with Mums at the gate is having a child the same age. That's very different and not usually the basis for forming a friendship.

As to the matter of values - values are extremely important to me. It is difficult to respect someone (which I would need to, a friend) whose choices are so wildly in opposition to things I uphold as being of such relevance in one's personality.

There's nothing about "betterness". It's otherness. And that is fine. We're not all in nursery being told we must be friends with everyone. We're adults who can choose freely to have relationships with people we want to - and that tends to be with like-minded people. The older Mums have made a choice to have children later on in life. Some won't care about other people's life choices, some will. And both takes are absolutely fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

If my having certain values is a turn-off for some people, there is no problem with that. We're different people. It's what makes the world go round.

It's not being judgey. It's having an opinion. Very big difference.

It is a fact the OP was a teen Mum. My concern is anyone who chooses to be a teen Mum has made a decision I could simply never find wise. It goes against so many of my core values - what makes me, me. So, from there, if that person is the sort of person to make (what is to me) such a poor decision, it then also follows to question what other poor decisions they might make.

The OP is free to live her life how she wants. I would never criticise her because that's not for me to do. BUT I wouldn't be drawn to her because of the sorts of decisions she has made. AND THAT IS OK.

Side note - she'd probably dislike me 🤷🏼‍♀️ WHICH IS ALSO OK.

While I'm content to say it, I wouldn't be surprised if other Mums at the school gate have the same thoughts and that might be why they're not interested in striking up a relationship.

When you are first getting to know someone you do talk about surface things like the weather. You don't go straight into great friendships and confiding intimacies.

I went through 3 dc at school. The majority of people I chatted to was very much on the light level. I had a few deeper friendships, but they did very much start with light chats.

If you look younger than you are then it's possible people think you're big sister rather than Mum, and assume you aren't wanting friends. However I was a good 10 years younger than most at the school gate (took me until I had #3 7 years after #1 not to be the youngest by miles at toddler group) and I can't remember ever it being an issue with anyone. I get the odd comment now that I can't possibly have a 26yo, but that's because I look my age rather than younger and they're comparing me against others with children that age and I do look younger - because I am!

Edited to add that one of my school gate friends became a Mum just after she was 17yo. One of my other good friends had their only baby at 44yo. Only thing we used to find was people assumed that she was grandma rather than mum. She normally found this quite funny, but not always.

What are you judging here?

1. that a teenager had sex (potentially over the age of consent) - so do many.
2. that a teenager had an unexpected pregnancy, which could well have been due to a contraceptive failure that could (and does) happen to any of us.
3. that a teenager may not have realised early as her body/periods/knowledge is still developing so she may not have had a choice to continue OR she may have chosen to, which is entirely her right.

It'll be your age. Not always in a bitchy way, but people tend to gravitate towards similar people. E.g. in my experience in workplaces, a lot of friendship groups are within the same 10-15 years age wise.

I am a young(ish - not as young as you) mum and if you are quite proactive at first you can develop solid friendships with other mums, even if they are older.

I mean fair enough you’ve got your opinions that’s fine you’d be misjudging me if you thought I was some stereotype of a teen mum on tv though. I was raised catholic so we consider abortion murder not something I could of gone through with when I found out I was pregnant

I work full time (more than the standard 38 hours a week, more like 50/60). You may see me at pick up, I may bring DS to the odd bday party. But every second of my free time is accounted for. I don't have time for new friends or playdates.

I'm sure a lot of mums are in the same position. It's a weird British assumption that women should make friends at the school gates. Probably a hang up from.the good old days when women got to be SAHMs or whatever.

What core values (that apparently make you, you) has OP gone against?

As a former teen mum (with professional qualifications, a good education, happy kids, a great salary and a happy life) I'd love to know what core values you have that clearly I'm missing.

I totally respect that. It also takes a huge amount of strength of character to stick by your beliefs even when it's going to completely upend your life.

It would be because of the lack of reciprocating why there wouldn't be invites outside of birthday parties here. Everyone that doesn't really want to do them can give an excuse as to why they aren't - house too small, too messy, work full time, other siblings or caring responsibilities, health issues, lack of time etc etc. Every mother I know fits into at least one of the above and some use it as a reason not to host and some host.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not hosting them but it's really annoying when people feel sorry for themselves that others stop making effort for them when they have never made any effort at all. It's even more annoying than when they label it as them or their child being left out because of an unrelated trait like personality or age.

It's not realistic to want to benefit from the village but not be a villager.