To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

Every date I’ve ever had has been rushed to sex.

You have to learn to be single.

Unfortunately if you’ve had a crap childhood it can make wanting to be single more difficult but I promise once you realise that you don’t need a boyfriend, then everything becomes easier.

At the moment you’re attracting the wrong type of men because you’re desperate for a relationship.

But once you recognise your worth and realise that you are the prize, then you’ll start being choosier with the men you pick.

This guy will never change.

You’re stopping yourself from finding someone decent by wasting your time and energy on these idiots.

Refuse to have sex until X amount of dates.
If someone is pushy then they’re not for you so ditch them and find someone else.

This! I set myself not X number of dates, but X number of years to go completely man-free. My goal was 7 years, but as things turned out I met now-DH at 6 years and 6 months, and decided he was worth compromising my "invisible contract" for. I was right! - but I could never have met someone like that in my earlier state of unbalance - I needed those years of quiet to upgrade my "self-care" software 😜

I was referred through my gp/mental health nurse. But I think you can self refer if you can locate a course near you. It’s really helped me. I have ADHD and ASD so like you I found it hard to accept that I couldn’t change them, my self esteem was also pretty low. It’s helped a lot, I walk away from yet another awful relationship whist I was doing the course and have remained single since.

I think it’s just brought everything to the surface. The never being good enough. Never being anyone’s first choice. Feeling completely unlovable.

Never ever getting my happy ending. I see now it’s financial abuse. My credits atrocious my mental health is even worse and I have no friends.

Well - you ARE good enough, and you ARE lovable, @Emotionstorn - I promise you that! And I am willing to bet that you are your child's first choice - you have been and are the consistent and loving parent.

Therapy will help you accept these facts about yourself, and will help you build a good, solid foundation for the rest of your life. It is not hopeless, and I am sure you can and will get the happy ending you deserve.

This is your epiphany.

From now on for your sake and your DD you need to put yourself first - as no-one else will.

You need to practise saying no - oh that's a shame and maybe allocate your money every month and not deviate from your plans - so no last minute purchases with others in mind not you or your DD.

I read the games people play in my 20s and some self help books - made me realise I didn't have best examples growing up and that they weren't going to change so I needed to change how I handle them - most sadly in my case by staying away.

Use your anger to dicht him for once and forever. He is a user.

Why are you reconciling with this man (he is clearly taking advantage)? Whether you know any better or not, know that you deserve better, and that he doesn't deserve you!

But that can change. It won't change overnight. But it can start changing today.

I know what that deep-rooted sense of not being good enough feels like. So what you do is, you fake it till you make it. Treat yourself as if you were good enough. Waiting until you feel worthy means you'll wait forever. Start putting yourself first as if you deserved it, and gradually you'll start to believe that you really do deserve it.

You are good enough for you and your child.

You are your childs first choice.

You are loved by your child.

You can be your happy ending - no man can make that happen anyway.

You can rebuild credit, your mental health will improve and with it your confidence - with all this will come friends.

If you stay hopping along behind this c>>t picking up crumbs none of the above can be achieved.

Today is the today you are free xx

I genuinely feel like shit.

You feel like shit because he is a massive shit and he shits on everyone around him.

The further you distance yourself from him, the better you will feel.

Time is a MASSIVE healer. It's no cliche - it's very true.

He is obviously very manipulative - so STOP talking to him! No days out, no coffees, no chats. Protect yourself and your DD. Stop paying for stuff. Stop thinking this is an amicable co-parenting relationship - it isn't!
You don't need a man in your life, you will be fine

Get rid of the selfish using cunt.

Can you set up a call screener? It asks people what they're calling about, it does voice to text so you can see on the screen, and then you can decide whether to take the call.
For Android (I'm sure there's an iPhone equivalent):
https://support.google.com/phoneapp/answer/9118387?hl=en-GB

No @Emotionstornnot CBT. You need proper long term therapy (integrative which will include person-centred and psychodynamic) to really overcome your childhood programming and get in control of yourself and your life. Start the ball rolling today by looking on the BACP website and finding a therapist and booking a consultation. It will help you and your daughter in the long run.

This is really good advice.
You've had a difficult childhood and a difficult relationship which is really sad, but learn from this.
You are angry right now because you've realised that this man... and his useless family are PARASITES... leeching money out of you. and wny? because like a normal person you'd like your DD to have some family relationships. But A pp said they were treating you like an ATM and they are right.

Every penny you spend on these parasites is money that is being stolen from your DD.

I completely understand why you want your DD to have a happy family experience... but please recognise that she has ONE decent parent -YOU!
You are more than good enough - because you truly love her. You have coped very well bringing her up on your own with no real help, making sure her needs are met, looking out for her and finding nice things for her to do. You need to congratulate yourself on this. She is a lucky girl because she has YOU.

Take a step back and recognise that your ex is making YOU PAY to spend family time to play happy families. That is so utterly warped. He is a complete user and will continue to do that as long as you allow him... and then he will continue to do that your DD in later life. You and your DD are a happy family, complete in yourselves, and you don't need this play actor along to be that.

Next. I agree with pps who have said get some help to learn assertiveness, which is not your fault at all but you didn't have the security you are giving your DD, and you've come across unscrupulous people in your past so you need some help to find ways of spotting that early and tools to stand up for yourself and find better people to have relationship with.

Use this anger. It might help to get it on paper. Make a list of exactly how many times this waster has turned up... when he hasn't... and how much he's cost you. in the last five years. You won't get it back but it will help you say NO MORE.
Seeing that in numbers, in black and white can be a real eye opener and help stiffen your resolve.

Someone who says "I would have told you but you'd kick up a fuss." knows full well that its unacceptable but still tries to make you feel like you are the unreasonable one. Its a way of shutting you up. And its a scumbag move.
It means you cannot believe a single word they say. Again this is not your fault. Its on them.. but don't trust him.

Also.. the passport is curious.. have you got the passport, or did he just ask you for the money. if so put it in a very safe place where he cannot get to it. Sounds to me like a long con to make you believe he was going to take your DD on holiday. But how do you know this wouldn't be drinking in Benidorm ffs. Is he even capable of looking after her if he's never even had her overnight.

Its time to take some of the advice on here. Apply for maintenance. Stop paying for ANYTHING from him. Cancel the PS credit card thing..put it on your card. Don't buy gifts for her that are supposed to be from him. If he wants to be a no hoper dad that is up to him. Again.. You are more than enough. If you paid for it, its a gift from you and your DD will love it. Change your passwords, and dump him. If he wants to be a father, he will, but he will have to do it on his own time and his own dime. In the meantime, look at ways you can build a better life and better friends for you and your DD. And have faith in yourself. Your DD has a mum who really cares about her.

I've seen some of your updates and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

@trythisforsize is absolutely right, time is a great healer. And the quicker you start on your new path - the quicker you will start healing.

It took a while to get here and it won't happen over night.. But just think about taking it a day at a time. What can you do for yourself and your DD today that's nice.. even if its just going for a walk or watching a film together. Forget the big guestures, small things matter and are within reach... then that's one good day you've had.. what about the next day.

Your credit rating has been tanked by these predators - and from your comment about the brother being sold bad dope by the uncle.. it sounds like they are utter wasters that you wouldn't want your child to be around anyway!.

You can rebuild that too.. You've recognised you are people pleasing, that you are paying your ex to just communicate... go on line and look up how to combat that and start saying
"No. I can't afford that." Don't let them steal your future from you and your DD.
Try reading https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

You can't do in all in one day, but the quicker you start, the more in control you will feel and the more hopeful and optimistic you will feel. Anything is better than letting these A holes run your life for the sake of "happy Families." They will never be happy families, but you and your DD can be one.

You need to work on yourself and your own self esteem before contemplating a relationship.

Now you've decided to take action, then things will improve.

Remember, be assertive. Practice saying NO! If he asks for money - NO! To pay for something for your daughter - NO! Even if he tries to guilt trip you, it's a firm NO.

And no more contact other than handing your daughter over for the day. That HE pays for.

Oddly, a friend who was struggling with self worth and self esteem used ChatGPT for therapy! She typed in how she was feeling and the response it gave were so helpful!

Unfortunately I’ve had to make an OOH GP apt as I’m having horrible thoughts.

Not exactly how I planned the day to go I don’t know why I feel this bad. I think he’s opened up a huge can of worms.

Hopefully they will help you.

don’t be afraid of making changes or asking for help.

escaping abuse and getting over a shitty childhood is not easy for anyone. Having low self esteem does not help. Now is your time to make things better.

I’m sorry that its sending you down a dark path & bad thoughts. Remember your daughters love is unconditional and she needs you to be OK & to come out fighting

I just feel like I’m overreacting

My dad was the first man that hit me. He used to call me names and shouted at me a lot
My mum blames his childhood. But refuses to acknowledge that mine made me make poor choices

My dad died and grief was complex. I wasn’t sad I was just confused and developed bad health anxiety. My mum was the martyr poor grieving widow. I had a thing at the time that if I stayed up til 4am everything would be okay. I could only eat sleep drink etc after that time. I’d fall asleep at 5am every night but I’d oversleep for college. She used to go absolutely mad at me. I was 17. My dad had just died.

DD’s father abused me. The man I’ve been trying to reconcile with. He hit me in the past and financially and emotionally abused me. My mum then told everyone how bad it was for her.

It’s dawned on me today that I let people treat me like absolute shit because no one has ever explained to me or demonstrated to me that I’m worth more.

So now I’m riddled with guilt that I’ve somehow damaged my daughter.

Is this the straw that broke the camels back or what. It’s like my eyes are open

You've suffered at the hands of abusive disgusting men for the vast majority of.your life. Your mother didn't get you the help or safety you needed or deserved. Absolutely none of that is your fault... none of it.

But it's not too late to do for your daughter, what your mother didn't do for you. Realistically your mother was probably historically abused too, and couldn't see the wood from the trees. But your eyes have been opened and only you can stop this for your daughter.

It will not be easy. But a good therapist will help you. Do not discuss with your mother because she won't understand your decision (given she couldn't make that decision herself, presumably she didn't feel strong enough).

YOU KNOW THAT YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER ARE WORTH MORE! You are all your daughter needs. And of course it's going to be very hard at first but honestly I have never ever heard of a woman who has left an abusive relationship with her kids regret her decision. You are already standing on your own 2 feet in terms of you have a job, access to money, a roof over your heads.

Do you have any close friends who yoh can talk to in real life?

@Emotionstorn just as @BudgetBuster says - you know you are both worth more, this is step 1. Counselling will help. This recognition of what has happened is the first step!

Be the generational abuse breaker @Emotionstorn
Focus on you and your daughter
Ask your GP for a therapy referral
Look up the Freedom programme
You are NOT overreacting, you are so used to underreacting this feels hard
Find your anger and channel it into change
The first step is realising you cant change what people thinknor do, keep him blocked, stop giving up resources that should be for you and your DD
If he wanted to , he would ...