To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

He’ll be on that holiday with every single clothing item and footwear what I’ve paid for.
He let me pay £75 at the cinema Friday knowing he had holiday money. How can someone have such little conscience.

You can get information online OP. Link below.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It's going to be your turn once you truly decide it's your turn.

You can self refer for NHS talking therapies. Please do this OP as therapy in this situation would be so valuable. CBT may help or you may be referred for more traditional talking therapy. It does not cost anything as is via the NHS. I’ve used it myself twice and it has been incredibly helpful. Just search “NHS talking therapies self refer” and then your borough and you should find the relevant webpage.

The thought you’ve just voiced in this post is a positive one if you can use it to start to change your behaviour. You know he’s selfish, you know he has no conscience so how can you go on letting him treat you like this ? What are you going to do about it ? You are the only one who can change this - he will continue for as long as you allow it because he’s onto a good thing and he knows it. That’s what’s driving his behaviour. You need to find out what has been driving yours all this time in allowing it.

I’m so fucking angry I’ve had heartburn. I can’t wait to get paid this month and spend it all on myself my home and my daughter. What a no good bastard.

You are still believing he has morals or that he'll feel guilty or will suddenly care but abusers don't think like normal people, autistic or not. They are ultimately very selfish and don't care who they hurt, destroy even, to get what they want whether that is sex, money or to get someone who will do anything, absolutely anything, for them. They don't and won't care. They are in the same mindset as criminals, you think drug dealers or shoplifters or rapists care what others think of them? Same with him, because as an abusive man he IS a criminal. Once you accept that, his hold over you should lessen hopefully.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

His brother bought cannabis off his uncle and it was rubbish so he was straight on the phone.
But the same auntie and uncle conned me out of £400 never paid back and he didn’t say a word.

Yes, because he is an utter loser. Plain and simple. An utter loser, that you have, for reasons you need professional assistance to resolve, actively chosen to finance and enable over several years.

You are looking for reasons for his behaviour, but quite simply he is a loser that is happy when he can get others to pay for his life, he is happy to use people. That’s who he is, who he has always been, and who he will always be.

Concentrate on yourself and your child, draw a line, and make plans for moving forward having nothing to do with him financially or emotionally, just essential info about your child, best via a parenting app or similar.

How do I use parenting apps? What is the best one?

Stop chucking money at the loser.

Well it seems to me that you are able to support yourself & your daughter which is a huge thing.

And you'll be able to do it so much the better when you are not bankrolling your ex.

Stop buying him things! He is just using you. Why should someone in full time work have their clothes, petrol and days out paid for by their ex?

Do not reconcile with him. He doesn't love you he just sees you as a walking wallet with a vagina.

You need to focus on you and your child. Do things that make you happy. Break this addiction to buying pathetic men's affections.

You wouldn't want your child to have 'relationships' like that would you? But they will if that's the influence you're presenting.

Our Family Wizard is a good parenting app, not that I've had to use it as my ex has disappeared, but its a good app and the one mediation etc recommends.

That old chestnut @Emotionstorn

USE THIS ANGER to make the changes you should have made ages ago.

Cut this loser off.

the humiliation will pass, when you’ve dealt with him, you’ll feel better, you’ll feel proud you acted.

heres my ‘shake’…

You can't change the past. But you can work on the future. You can see the mistakes you've made. Presumably he wasn't abusive or controlling? If so you can get on top of this. Don't be taken advantage of. Sorry I can't comment on the financials but it's clear you can cut back on what you've been doing to help out his bank balance. You won't forget finding out he's away in Spain when he's supposed to be skint..Look after yourself and your daughter. best wishes 😄

This is a really good opportunity for you to change the course of your life but also your daughter’s life- everything you do is modelling to her what is normal and acceptable in relationships. If I were you I’d swear off romantic relationships for the foreseeable (like years) and really deeply lean into therapy. I say to do this drastic move because struggling with boundaries and people taking advantage leaves you really vulnerable to abuse. You seem very giving, but other people are also adults, they don’t need you to take care of them but they’ll enjoy the benefits if you do. This includes friends, family and romantic partners. Everything should be equal give and take (there are exceptions to this like emergencies and crises but only short term, and never ‘fun’ things like cinema tickets).

Just ignore.

Possibly just unblock for a few seconds while you send him a message that you're done with this now, don't call me.

You can be free from today.

The quiet and clarity you will feel by just focusing on you and your child is absolute heaven. I did it and never looked back.

Everything runs smoothly how you want it to be.

No more wondering where he is or paying for his lifestyle.

Just you, your child and the wonderful calm, peace and confidence that will grow.

Today is your first day of this.

Embrace it

❤

Time for you to put your child 1st and stop funneling money from your child's home into this loosers hands.

Put him in the ex boyfriend category who should be paying towards improving your child's life. Don't worry what he is doing for his holiday. Whether he runs out of petrol or not. He is clawing back all the child maintenance he is being forced to pay. You need to end that today. Think of the life you could have with your DC if you stopped paying to treat him and used the money for your life instead.

It could be you and your DC going away on your own holiday this year. Instead you have helped him save for his by covering his costs. Grabby loosers will always ask and stand there with hands out. You can't change who he is, you can change your response and mindset

Good for you! You should be angry! Your anger is righteous! Use it! Put yourself first, like all these shitty men do. Yourself and your DD. You are the ones who matter. This guy is a dickwad and he's just using you. Treat yourself with the love you deserve, and don't settle for anything less.

It will be lonely for a while, but that's better than being used. And as time goes on, and you build up strength, and learn how to be the good kind of selfish, and genuinely show love to yourself, you will attract the kind of men who are attracted to a strong, independent woman with self-esteem. You can do it! Do it for your daughter; do it for yourself. You are worth it.

you have nothing to be humiliated or embarrassed about OP, and your love and determination to do the best for your daughter are two very big positives about you that I see.

You can't change him, but you can change how you interact with him from now on and that is certainly no more money. He doesn't deserve it and he doesn't deserve your love, or the headspace he is taking up. You can do this and you will do this and you and you daughter will come out the other side stronger I know it x

Send him and invoice and say you want to start a college fund for your daughter!

Dont beat yourself up about it just stop giving him money. No matter how hard it is.
TReat yourself to a spa day or something you love x

Please don’t believe that he wants to reconcile, he’s just giving you enough to string you along.

I’ve been the same and it won’t go away on its own, you need professional help.

FWIW, he is aware of what he’s doing. I have had extensive conversations afterwards (different circumstances but somewhat same type of financial issues) and he admitted he was 100% aware he could just walk all over me, it wasn’t some sort of unconscious abuse.