To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

Have you applied for CMS properly?

Yes the collect and pay
I should get it Monday from him but I don’t think I will do

Unfortunately, you can't ever be 100% rid of him as you have DD but you can absolutely establish boundaries. He doesn't get to "not let" you have those. You have to be the one to enforce them though.

If you don't want a messaging app set up a new email address and don't have it linked on your phone if possible. Read through, or have someone else, once a week or whatever timeframe you feel is reasonable, and only respond to direct questions about DD. Any requests for money, any "love you"s get ignored completely.
"Love you. Can I see DD on Sunday. Any chance you can ping me a tenner for the entry to the place I'll take her".
"I'll have DD ready to be collected at 10am on Sunday."

There has to be a line in the sand and it sounds like you are drawing yours, just needs to be made a bit firmer.

I am so proud of you for finding your rage.

You're not shit, or stupid, or any of the other horrible stuff you've been calling yourself. You're a fucking warrior!

He doesn’t let me have boundaries or be annoyed with him.
These are not for him to allow, these are things you enforce. You don't ask others to respect your boundaries, you tell them and give consequences if they overstep such as hanging up the phone, walking away etc.

I agree with DuckbilledSplatterPuff, I think getting the app will be money well spent until you've learnt how to enforce and keep your boundaries. Especially with this type of man who has already head fucked you so badly. It will be a hell of a lot cheaper than falling under his spell again.

Does anyone have an idea how to enforce the boundary?

There absolutely has to be a cut off and this is it. I’ve seen the light. I am going to stick to my guns. I’ve had almost a decade of this he doesn’t take me seriously AT ALL. I want that to change

You enforce it by ignoring things which are not about DD.
You tell him this is the email/app he is to contact you on about DD.
Block him on all other things. Phones, social media (make profiles private and chuck anyone from his social circle off your friends list).
If he calls you do not answer. Hang up immediately if he uses a new number, and block that one too.
Respond solely to questions about DD or requests to see her.

Treat him like a toddler, ignore the bad behaviour (not suggesting you reward the good but it's a decent enough analogy).

Hi op you just need to be strong send him a message say I’m not doing this I’m done with you I hope your holiday was worth it. stop sending me stupid messages I mean it this time so go fuck yourself and only have contact for dd. He’s taking advantage as he sees you as easy to manipulate. Only you can stop him. Good luck. He’s a cunt and a tight arse as well.

It's hard but you just need to ignore and not respond to ANYTHING that doesn't concern your daughter. And even then it's should only be relevant communication.

Next time he asks to see her, ideally you should give him a list of days / times that he gets her. Exchange in a neutral location (shop carpark or library etc) with CCTV.

If he contacts you about anything other than DD, literally ignore. My DH found email much easier to communicate because for some reason it seems not as reactive as a text. So his ex who always caused issues, would be less problematic if she had to respond via email... which was ultimately court ordered anyway due to her constantly bombarding the phone.

Re CMS, if he doesn't pay it, chase CMS straight away. Did he make any comments about you going down this route?

It’s actually not hard at all to not reply I won’t lie😂