To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

Do people like this ever feel bad?

No, never …
which is why nice people like you are always left in turmoil about the shit storms these wasters create.
You are doing so so well.
You’ve found your roar and you and your daughter will be sooooo much better off, happier and stronger without this extra man child draining your life.

No it becomes there normal life taking and taking.

They feel sorry for themselves when called out and losing their cake and eating it situation which, may look like remorse with tears, apologies, etc. But it's not for you, it's not real.

I hope he has a dodgy pint and gets the shits.

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time OP. It sounds like you’ve had a history of people, who should love and respect you, taking from you are not giving anything in return.

It’s understandable that the sense of injustice keeps intruding on your thoughts. I suggest you have a strategy for this along the lines of when you think these thoughts, you thank you memory for reminding you of what happened in your past so you don’t repeat it going forward. You can then redirect you thoughts to positive steps you are taking or can take to improve your quality of life.

With regard to your ex, it sounds like you are struggling to see how he can be in your daughter’s life but only minimally in your life. For a start, he should contribute financially, so do pursue CSA involvement. You don’t need to interact with him at all about this.

He should have a relationship with your daughter that is separate to your relationship with him. This involves him collecting her and then returning her to you. It doesn’t involve you being part of their time together or paying for their time together.

It’s not going to be easy, but I suggest you stop talking to him about what happened in the past between you and him. It’s over and you are putting a stop to any further opportunities for him to do the same again. When you talk to him about anything other than contact with your daughter, you are maintaining or reviving a type of relationship with him that isn’t healthy.

I get why you are preoccupied with this as it feeds into your sense of fair play and justice. But a better approach for you longer term is to think about your values and the person you want to be. The reason for this is that you cannot change other people and it makes you feel powerless trying. But you can influence who you are and who you want to be and that includes being someone who both treats other people fairly but also has boundaries and self esteem and won’t let other people cross them.

Your (hopefully) ex (for good) will continue to try to use you and take advantage of you because that’s who he is. His values are just different to yours and it takes a hell of a lot to change that. I used to try for years to get people to see my perspective and change how they treated me but it was a waste of time and effort. What I should have been concentrating on was establishing my own boundaries and not letting people shift them. He won’t change because it suits him to be the way he is. He’ll either persuade you to put up with his appalling behaviour or he’ll find someone else who will.

It’s like trying on someone else’s glasses, you can’t see things through the way they do however hard ,you try.. You just have to accept they see things differently and surround yourself with people who have similar values to you.

If you want to move forward a starting point has to be: I am no longer going to live my life for other people. I am going to centre myself and my child in my own life. I am not going to pay for other adults’ lifestyles; I am not going to put myself out constantly to make their lives easier; I am going to make my life better so I can afford luxuries and holidays for me and my child rather than subsidising someone else’s which is what you’ve been doing in effect.

It’s not your fault you’ve developed those habits. Your parents conditioned you to put others first. But you’re the only one that can say enough is enough. No one can do that for you. It’s unfair and it’s shit but it’s the only way forward.

It’s taken me a long time but I’ve got rid of almost all self absorbed people in my life. I have divested myself of family members, a previous best friend and a host of acquaintances. But I feel so much more peace and the beauty is that much more generous spirited people have replaced them.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Dump him for good, don't give him another penny or do anything for him, get the correct amount of CS and move on.

Plus it’s also a power trip to him to get money out of you and then pull the wool over your eyes.

Don’t try to apply logic to his behavior. You would never act like this so you will never understand why he does and drive yourself bananas trying.

This is shit OP but remember it is more a reflection of his behavior than yours.

I was abused OP as a child. Then had a long relationship with an alcoholic. Finally I found the man I thought was my ‘happy ending’ and he let me down. This completely broke me apart. I can completely relate to that sense of hopelessness, the horrible wound that is ‘no one ever puts me first’. It sounds small when you say it like that but the pain is horrible. I’m having therapy - finally - and starting to see things differently. I have always put myself last so it’s no surprise everyone else does too. Contact talking therapies - it will take a bit of pushing - but get rid of the loser and start your new life. In two years time you’ll be the same kind wonderful person - but you’ll have a completely different life. Good luck

Oh absolutely agree. He doesn’t take any of my threats seriously because I don’t follow through on them. In his mind I’m annoyed then in a few days it’s brushed under the carpet. This time HAS to be different. DD isn’t me.

Don't be covering for this loser. The money you wasting on him, goes into a savings pot. Every activity you and your daughter do without him, goes towards her going abroad. Just you and her and no money sucking leech.
You're doing everything anyway, he's just taking up money and space.
Use this experience to show your daughter that you are strong and won't accept being treated like crap.
Forward you go and do not keep looking behind you.

I’m so glad you’ve found your anger, please don’t reconcile with him. Also please don’t give him any more money, instead use it for therapy and to make memories with your daughter. Break the cycle of abuse and make the change for your daughter, you both deserve so much more than this xx

Op I suggest you write a letter to future you saying exactly how he has made you feel today. Then in the future whenever you think about going back to him or spending money on him, read the letter and remind yourself what a lowlife he is

And you need to model to your DD that women aren't mugs who let themselves be treated like shit. When you stand up for yourself you stand up for your DD as well.

Good advice. and also from @BudgetBuster

Write down some of these snippets and stick them on the fridge for a while to remind you.

Practice saying no.. or I'll have to check.

Good job blocking the ex... his picture of the beach thing and comments shows his utter contempt and mockery of you. That is not down to you, that is down to his deficiency of decent human feelings. He is NOT a role model for your child and you don't want your little one to grow up to the same treatment from him because leopards don't change their spots.

Your story makes me think of that saying "Don't get mad, get even".. except I think anger is quite powerful to keep you determined.. But every time you move forward and achieve one of your goals, you are getting even, prospering in spite of these dullards who have preyed on you and leaving them far behind. You can be proud of your achievements and how well you love and take care of your lovely DD.

Its great that you've already made plans for what you want to do together with your DD both short term and long term (learning to drive) just think how brilliant you'll feel when you pass your test ( which will happen a lot more quickly now you are committed not subsidising parasites)

Remind yourself that none of this is your fault and that you are throwing the past in the bin and moving forward without all this rubbish weighing you down.
You could consider contacting Women's Aid for more advice about how to safely detatch from someone who sees you are their meal ticket. Prepare for him to be very nice in the short term to get you to co-operate before reverting back to form.

Hi all. Been a good week not hearing from him except from Tuesday when he pissed me off further. He’s sent a text this morning saying “love you” so I’ve ignored it.

Im sure he’s mentally ill.
Unfortunately DD’s got a lovely case of strep throat so our museum trip is postponed.

Have you managed to find that parenting app yet? Once you have sent him the link you will be able to block his texts which will be even more freeing. I'm going to assume, and you should too that he will really ramp up the emotional blackmail once he runs out of funds. Be prepared for that onslaught by blocking him everywhere first. Also get a ring doorbell in case he turns up pleading poverty (and never, ever let him inside) as he won't like being recorded.

But you are doing incredibly well so far Hope DD feels better soon.

There are parenting apps yeah but I don’t see the point in paying a fee. He’s blocked on everything except texts which have muted notifications. I’m not gonna reply to him regardless nor answer the phone.

If you don't block him he will constantly try to reel you back in like this.

This is what they do. Short emotive messages to make sure you keep thinking about them.

He'll send you a 'miss you' message next. I would put bets on it.

You really need to block him OP or you'll be right back where you started.

I think it might be well worth the temporary fee - at least for the moment whilst you are establishing boundaries.

Because it sends a very firm message that things have changed and you are drawing a boundary that he can only contact you regarding DD and nothing else.

It says without saying it that you are not "keeping" DD from him.
It shows very clearly how often he contacts about her and what he says...And you can say on repeat. This app is for you to contact me about DD. It is not here to contact me about our previous relationship.

If he can still contact by text on your mobile nothing changes.
Even muted text from him are still him contacting you directly, and finding his way into your head - which is what you are trying to avoid at the moment.

It's up to you but Just a thought.

“Love you”? What a creep he is @Emotionstorn he’s panicking the Bank of Emotionstorn might soon be closing. He’s a twat isn’t he.

Sending you support - stay strong.

Stay strong OP. I hope your DD feels better asap

He’s always done this. I’ve done so much thinking.

He doesn’t let me have boundaries or be annoyed with him. He’s done so many shitty things. And every time he pushes and pushes me. Trying to hug me, lovebombing me and he wears me down til I just agree with him and brush his crappy actions under the carpet.