To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

Why are you reconciling with this eejit? Why go back for more of the same shit?Time to focus on yourself.

Becsuse those who suffer childhood abuse bring their need to resolve/ heal their trauma into adult relationships
They are drawn to similar abusive men to try to get a different outcome to heal their wounds
Ie The man will change and treat them nicely
They never do...

Because that's unfortunately what happens in abusive relationships. Very little women (or men) truly leave the first time they tried. It often takes multiple attempts, even more difficult when children are involved.

You aren’t over reacting.

You have opened your eyes.

the damage to you can be fixed and then you can model those new learned behaviours to your daughter & you can teach her how t love herself enough to try and safeguard this never happening to her.

The power is in your hands, don’t let it slip back to going back to this man. You don’t deserve that & your daughter definitely doesn’t

You were just desperate to give your daughter the happy family life that you didn't get OP. You just wanted to be a great parent, now you've realised that in trying to do the best for her you've not done the best for yourself.

Hold onto that anger, recognise the abuse and move forward OP. You've been conditioned into being like this and it's hard to break out of it. Get any professional support you can and be kind to yourself.

Forget the whole crap lot of them. Try not to analyse what's already done - it's a recipe for spiralling.

It's you and your daughter in the here and now - a beautiful small family unit.

Try to stay focused on the present: what's for tea? put a wash on, have a shower, snuggle with DD.

The outside world, and all the wankers in it, don't exist.
Create your own bubble of safety and care.
Your daughter will thrive this way and so will you xxx

Sweetiepie, @Emotionstorn you fell into this relationship because of your upbringing and lack of role models.

you’ve ended it with this loser, now time to get the velvet gloves off, show off that iron fist and clamp down on his lazy feckless arse.

something has snapped for you now. Good. It was clearly long overdue. I know you’re cross, and have every right to be, feel this anger, express it and then let it go. Once you have done this, your next steps will be clear.

ice cold fury is the most potent force there is. Use it wisely.

show your little one what women/nuns are made of. Give her a parent to be proud of.

i have also got the T-shirt on this too. I see you, I hear you, I understand you.

you will rise. Your Dd will be proud of you.

Put the whole man in the new food recycling bin, it's compostable, right where he belongs. You don't have time for another child like him

You need proper counselling to understand why you do this, and to break the cycle. It will teach you good habits to pass on to your daughter

Tell him it's over, tell him not to come back to you after his holiday, and don't communicate any further with him except for arrangements about Dd, he's lying in the sun laughing at you.

He's a CF. Until you put a high value on yourself you will continue be taken advantage of by this selfish prick. Your worth so much more.

He bombarded me with calls this morning. I said he needs to be ashamed of himself. He sent me a picture of the beach and said “yeah I’m really ashamed”

I have stated it’s done. He can keep his CSA. I’ve informed him if he wants contact with DD he goes through legal channels. I need to stick to this. He doesn’t take me seriously because I always come around usually and nothing changes. This time it changes. I’ve blocked his number now on WhatsApp, even blocked him on instagram and TikTok.

My only worry is if he turns up at my house. But I’ve made it clear if he does I’ll phone police.

Well done for standing your ground. But don't let him get away with paying what your child is entitled to

Please do apply for CSM Collect and Pay. Your child has a right to this money and you wouldn't need to have any contact with him.
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/payments

Well done @Emotionstorn

You are taking your life back for you and your daughter and you ought to be immensely proud of yourself for that.

What a tosser sending a picture of the beach.
He thinks this is all a big laugh. Well, you'll have the last laugh.
Go girl 💪

Keep him blocked.

Stay strong OP ❤️💪

Just reply no sorry your also financially responsible for “our “ child and as for the treats stop buying him things!

I need to pass my driving test and sort out a car as relying on public transport is really really holding me back so that’s on the to do list

I’m taking DD to the eureka science museum at weekend and we’ll go out for tea.

Im honestly shocked. I’ve not been abroad for a long time as I couldn’t afford it. He dragged me right down to his level and left me there.

This time you’ll never go back there because you know that, if you do, you’re perpetuating the cycle for your daughter.

Now it is your turn to do for her what nobody did for you - teach her to have self worth and not keep going back to abusive men.

Nothing is wrong with you. What a petty loser asking for £3. How embarrassing to even ask!

Spend all the money you aren’t now going to spend on him (or his family) on therapy for yourself, it will be worth its weight in gold. Find a therapist you like and trust, and don’t be afraid to change a few times until you get the right one. You can get over your upbringing and have a happy life, I promise you xx

Firstly, I’m sending you a massive hug - you are doing brilliantly

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. This guy is an utter cockwomble…..what if this current situation is exactly what you need to move on?

You have seen him for what he is. You’ve seen his family for what they are. What if they have all done you a favour?

Is he 16? You are already on the right path acknowledging that your experience of relationships is skewed. Try and get some help to keep on that path and learn to love yourself. I have two exH's for very different reasons to you, but the day I decided to be best friends either myself, I started to recover and from being positively suicidal - due to my emotional dependence on others, and allowing them to abuse me, I am now the happiest I have ever been in my life. There are so many things I should have done in the last 30 years, but I'm following my heart, doing them now, and I also decided I am better off mentally living alone. I have my dogs for company, a few old friends and my two DC live nearby. I work for myself in a creative capacity and can work whatever time I want within reason. I have recently learned to play the stock exchange and am very proud of that. For the love of God I can't understand how I allowed two other human beings (men) have so much control over my self esteem and life. Never again!

@Emotionstorn - this all sounds so shit and I’m sorry you’re going through it. You’re really strong to be raising your DD with little to no input or support from him. Be proud of what you’re doing.

As a strong woman you can break this cycle -
you DO NOT NEED HIM. It sounds like you’re trying to ‘buy’ his approval in some way, or keep him happy (the undeserving wanker) and this undoubtedly stems from your experience growing up where you were conditioned to behave in a certain way. I’m not judging or criticising by the way, shitty role models can set us up for a lifetime of bad relationships and we just don’t know any different until a lightbulb moment like this. Lots of people who had good role models as parents don’t understand this at all. This is your lightbulb moment where the future can change for the better.

Please stay angry and channel that into totally separating from him. Let him do the planning and organising for contact and co-parent. Continue putting your time and energy in to DD and yourself - you both deserve better than him, he’s not really ‘adulting’. Book that holiday for October - you don’t even need to tell him - and have the best time.

YOU DO NOT NEED HIM OR HIS APPROVAL. You are more than enough for your DD, far more than enough.

Hi op he is a manipulative user. Just be glad you have seen the real him fuck him don’t respond to anything until you feel calm you still have your dd to think off. But right now make sure any treats are just for you and dd as her father is a tight selfish bastard. Get your trip away and get the 2 of you in a good place and do not go anywhere or pay for anything he has a responsibility to do things for his dd . Op he’s been using you but now you know not to reconcile and tell you dd she will be with her dad without you and you take time for yourself honestly he’s done you a favour by showing his true self. He has no respect for you. I get the low self worth but only you can fix this no man or parent can fix it. Sorry you had shit parents and partners.