To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

OP, he is a useless parasite. He’s as bad for your DD as he is for you. Don’t let her grow up thinking she has to buy a man’s attention.
Get onto CMS and then enjoy life with DD.

So many things to say, so I'm going to forget most of them.

He's a dick and won't change, he will lie to you and sweet talk you, but he won't change.

You WERE humiliated, but that's done, now you're angry and should use that. Booking the holiday for you and your DD is a great start and something to look forward to.

Definitely go through CMS for child support, look into the Freedom Program. Many, many women choose the same sort of man over and over again at some point, hopefully while dating so they can just throw the duds back. Changing the pattern often requires some help. You're not mentally ill, but therapy or counselling can really help you to reflect on why you keep choosing the same sort of sub standard man. Learning about this and making changes will benefit you and also your DD.

You're going to save money by not propping him up all the time. Use the money for treats, counselling, holidays and also making sure your pension fund is set up (women who don't put themselves first will often neglect their pension plans too).

You sound pretty bloody capable to me, sounds like you've got a job that pays well enough and you've been pretty much parenting solo (and partially parenting him too).

Set up the Family app that many use for communication when divorcing, this will mean you have a time and dates record of contact. When that's set up, block his number.

This is your awakening to set boundaries, take back control of the situation, no more handouts or favours. Start to put yourself first. DD has a wonderful mother who adores her, don’t bend over trying to create a false relationship with him for her sake, she doesn’t need him. ❤️

Stop spending money on him and stop having sex with him.

As soon as you stop doing these two things you’ll see how quickly he ditches you.

He doesn’t want to be with you, he’s literally using you.

Your DD is at least 5 years old. You do not need to be there when he has her.
Draw up a fair schedule of when he sees her and then he takes her on his own.

Why does he not have her on his own?
(I guess he gets something out of you at the same time).

What is stopping him from picking her up from school or yours, taking her to the park then back to his for dinner and then dropping her home.

You need to limit contact with him.

Delete his number but also all of his messages etc too, so there’s no way you can text him even if you wanted to.

He is not worth losing sleep over.
Don't use any more energy on him
Concentrate on yourself and child.

Sort out a life for you both consulting him no more.
At least you know. Be calm and do not allow him back influencing your decisions and taking up space in your head.

I think the poster meant you need help to put healthy boundaries in place. You are so used to being used and treated like shit that you don't react to it like people with healthy boundaries and selfesteem do.

Therapy might take time. Let me tell you about a "quick fix" that doesn't mean you won't need therapy but will help you artificially put up boundaries until you got them settled authentically:
Think about a strong woman you admire (can be from real life or celebrity or character in book/tv). Whenever you are in contact with your ex put on this invisible persona. You are no longer yourself- you are this woman and you are reacting like this woman.
Ex: " I need 3 £ to pay for dds game"
You; " Who are you- the baby-sitter? Because you can't possibly be her DAD asking for 3£! That's ridiculous."
Ex; "I need new trainers"
You: "Why are you telling me- I'm not your mum and you're not my kid. I have one child who I will buy new trainers since her deadbeat dad won't"
Etc etc. You can do this. Just need to find your anger. Don't feel ashamed. Decent people wouldn't walk all over you even if they saw that it was possible due to your lack of selfesteem. On the contrary they would treat you with even more respect and try to reinforce your confidence in yourself.

@Emotionstorn send him one last txt tell
him it’s over not to contact you or turn up at your door. Tell him the free ride is over . He can contact you through his solicitor for access to daughter.
Next step apply for Csa
Book a Holiday
Go to gp for counselling

Main thing is to keep your cards close to your chest and tell him none of this .
He will convince you that you are being horrible that you should be paying for him to go on holiday too . ( you shouldn’t )
The money you aren’t spending on him you can live of and the money he has to pay for his dd you can use to make have an annual holiday just you two .

Read the book “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood. You will find it incredibly insightful. The book could have been written about you!

Tbh your a fool to continue paying second time around

Not long st all when I did it.

You’ve sought to try to see the best in someone and can see now this man is not worth it. That’s on him. But use the anger you feel now to make positive choices for you. There is no reason you need to be giving him money. He is a grown man who can get his own petrol. I’d suggest counselling of some kind to work out why you have sought to spend money on him in this way. I say this without judgment. We all have stuff from when we were younger that feeds into how we act now. But you need to be able to see it and understand it to some degree to stop it. You need to be co parents and no more. Dont try to work him out or hope he’ll change etc because his behaviour is well below the bar of basic decency that to have to explain it to him is an utter waste of time. You can only control your own actions and responses. Good luck x

Your life is not shit x you have a children, a home, a job...he's unlikely to change based on his past behaviours. I would say cut your losses and move on - see him for what he is. He's using you. You can, and will, do better x

Reply OK- when you send me the £££ for trainers, cinema, petrol etc etc

You sound very kind and generous but he does not deserve a minute of your time or a penny of your money.

You can change what happens from now on. Do not give him any money and do not go on trips together. He can take your child out alone. If he can’t afford anything then they can go for a walk in the park. Do not allow him to manipulate you into paying for stuff. He obviously has money as he’s on holiday abroad! He would just prefer not to pay towards the child! Horrible and shocking behaviour on his part. It is not your job to make sure your child has happy experiences with her dad! Only he can do that. I would not allow him into my house either so it’s understood by all, we are not together. You can do better.

Well done. That's a strong first step.

Of course he will probably try to wheedle his way back in.

Why wouldn't he? You pay for all his stuff so he can use his own money on a holiday!

Could you write down how you are feeling right now, so when he tries to get back in your life you can read it and find the strength to tell him to fuck off?

Your DD unfortunately won't benefit from a dad who is only in her life because you are paying him to be.

@Emotionstorn you said you are 'conditioned' to put up with crap people. Maybe you need therapy to change that conditioning.
Pretending to be a happy family is also not going to be good for your daughter long term.
Lastly there are some great online forums to supports autistic people who struggle with unhealthy relationships and understanding why.

You don’t need him to be there for your daughter to have a nice day out. You just take her. Do you have a job? Do you drive?

It’s hard and you’ve clearly been shaped by past bad experiences with him and your parents, but all that matters now is your decisions. I wouldn’t show him
you’re angry, I wouldn’t even block him-he’ll probably enjoy that drama. Just get on with your life. Spend that money you would have given him for trainers (why?!) and everything else on you and your child or savings or a holiday-extract yourself from this deadbeat and move on.

Pull your big girl pants up and don’t let him walk all over you again. Send him a message saying ‘from now on your not helping him out in any way, if he wants to take dd out then he pays for it and he takes her in his own, no more hand outs and you will be going to CSA to ask them to assess how much he should be paying towards dd’. You don’t need him to have a good time with dd, he’s using you.

My ex has always paid a similar amount for 2 DC’s (£100 each per month), he sees them once a week for 5 hours, though he now only sees one as dd1 is an adult and doesn’t want much to do with him. I know you want to protect your dd and you don’t want her to see what a waste of space her father is, but she will work it out (both of mine did) and it will be on him, not you. You have allowed Constance and that’s all you need to do.

He won’t change, so stop thinking he will and stop thinking you will work it out. He’s already proved himself to be a waste of space and a user by not providing for his dd and taking your money.

He’s a waste of space, do not give him another penny. Good you have blocked him.

Stop acting like a sap and put yourself first. Buying treats and/or essentials for a grown man is absolutely soft behaviour from you and in some ways you may be subconsciously attempting to buy his affections? Have you considered that? Do some work on yourself. Kindly.

May I recommend an alpine "Kinderhotel" or somewhere in Denmark like billund for Legoland. Both will be well set up for kids for your first trip abroad

You’ve slipped into a victim mentality. Just make decision that from now on things change. Set boundaries. Your daughter has a shit father, you cannot change that. What you can be is an excellent role model of what a resilient woman looks like who doesn’t need a deadbeat in her life.
If you can afford it, get some counselling to work on your boundaries and self esteem.

Darling please embrace this difficult painful moment as a reality check, and promise you'll never do this to you again.

Your daughter is not stupid and at some point she'll understand your reasons. The fake happy family might make her even more resentful than a mom with a fighting spirit against abuse, giving her a good example.

I come from tons of family abuse and the only step to do is to acknowledge the financial and emotional abuse as the first step to get out of it.
He is what he is but it's also your tendency to underestimate yourself who led to this situation, so the first thing to do is orient your rage in the right direction rather than feeling guilty for feeling this way .

Wish you the best.

It's a cliche, but true that if you always do what you've always done, you'll only ever get what you've always got. Just because things have been a certain way in the past, doesn't mean they will always be that way, you CAN change them. You might need counselling or therapy to help you get some of the way, but you've already recognised unhelpful influences amd patterns in your life so far. What you do next is the most important thing. Don't let your daughter see the example of her mother being rinsed by a man and thinking that's normal be something she remembers and normalises. Change it, get rid of the useless, freeloading, selfish arsehole. And yeah, get the CSA more involved. If he can afford Benidorm, he can afford more for his child.

Your 7yo daughter has a ps5?!