To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

OP, look at the comments you’ve made about yourself - you clearly have insight into what you’re doing and how damaging it is, so instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself (not trying to be mean, but that’s how some of your posts read) put the insight to good use. Only you can change things - he’s not going to because frankly he’s got it made, and he knows it.

I really I think you need some professional counselling OP because there’s a lot to unpick. You clearly have unresolved issues with your parents, which are likely feeding into this and there are other factors you’ve mentioned in various updates.

You need to get to the bottom of why you have so little sense of self worth that you’ve been treated like an ATM the first time around, broken up and now you’re reconciling even though nothing has changed. Now you have the proof that he’s a selfish twat. This man extracts every penny out of you even though he’s working full time, he doesn’t contribute nearly enough for your DD and he’s shown no sign of even trying to change - and yet he can afford to indulge himself in a holiday. You sound surprised that you didn’t know anything about it - why ? It’s who he is. Why exactly are you reconciling. What do you get out of it?

Ask your GP about counselling/CBT. In some areas you can self refer, so have a google. CBT would be helpful because instead of talking therapy it forces you to confront your issues and explore why you behave the way you do, and concentrates on changing thought processes leading to those behaviours. It can be life changing if you engage with it properly. But before you do that, kick this piece of shit to the kerb, he’s not going to change and it won’t get better.

The only person that can change this situation is you and it starts with the word no. He allowed you to pay for his fuel and his night out while he had enough money to spend on himself not his child. He probably makes you pay as he thinks he is giving you money. But it’s supposed to be for dd. I expect you have allowed this behaviour for dd to have a family situation. It needs to stop op boundaries in place. I wonder if you are as angry with yourself for allowing it.

That’s completely irrelevant.

OP can buy her child whatever she likes. She works for her money and can treat her daughter to things if she wishes.

@Emotionstorn you asked up thread 'when is it gonna be my turn?'

It will be your turn as soon as you decide to put you and your child first. That's in your power. You make the decision and you stick to it.

Incidentally, I am a retired psychotherapist who worked with young people. IMO one of the worst experiences a child can have is parents who split up and reconcile. It's so unsettling for them, they don't know who or what they can rely on.

This man should be your ex and your DC's dad. How he chooses to be a dad isn't in your control. Let him do his thing (and pay for it) and you focus on being a consistent and loving single mum.

You don’t need mental health treatment - you don’t have an illness - but it would do you a lot of good to have some psychodynamic or relational therapy. You’ve been conditioned to believe that your needs are not important and you’re there to serve others. It takes a bit to unravel that: knowing it intellectually doesn’t break the spell. It’s wired into your nervous system to behave in certain ways otherwise you feel guilty, ashamed, unworthy. This isn’t your fault - you imagine how much negative training two dysfunctional parents could offer throughout an entire childhood - but it is something only you can address.

You would be doing your daughter a massive favour as you don’t want to her to be a selfish prick like her dad or someone who has no boundaries like you.

Blocking him is not a long term answer - he’s your daughter’s father after all. But learning appropriate responses will be really valuable to you. For example I bet you really struggle to say no to people. Or to say what you want. This can change and be life changing. BUT speak to someone who specialises in working with dysfunctional families. AND make sure you really feel comfortable with the therapist - try a few out before you decide.

Good luck OP.

OP I’ve suggested mental health help. Not because I think you’re mentally ill, but because your mental health is being affected by the situation, and if it continues, it will get worse and you’ll find yourself on anti anxiety meds just to get through the day. You need counselling and preferably CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to identify and learn to deal with thought patterns leading to problem behaviours so you can take control instead of letting the issues control you, as you are doing now. That’s the issue here.

Agree. I also had the impression that OP is a people pleaser to a certain extent. I suggested CBT from personal experience because it was life changing for me when I learned to understand and control the thought patterns leading to problem behaviours. It sounds as though OP has insight into her behaviour, but at the moment she’s feeling sorry for herself - understandable initially, but now she needs to get control and change things.

In our area we have an excellent self referral service via a private provider, in partnership with the NHS so it’s free at the point of delivery. Hopefully there will be something similar for OP because I really think she would benefit.

You are paying for the fairytale, for your daughter to think that she is part of a happy family. At some point she will figure out her father only "stepped up" (he didn't) if there was something in it for him and that is going to hurt. You are also giving part of yourself away in all this.
Do both you and your daughter a favour. Drop the rope and let him pick up the slack. He either shows up and behaves like a loving father or he doesn't (I think that is more likely). Either way that is on him and you get to keep your money and dignity. Concentrate on you and DD this guy is a sponge. I can't believe the fucking cheek of him saying you should be happy for him.
Stay strong, you can do this.

Weather-wise, Paris is as gloomy as Berlin in late October, and Oslo won’t have guaranteed snow that early. Rome is now always heaving with tourists. Go wherever YOU want, OP. Who cares is the weather isn’t perfect? You don’t go to Berlin for the sunshine @TreeDudette but for the hundreds of things to do and see in such a historical and cultural city.

Stop wasting another penny on this scumbag. He's taking advantage of you 😞

He does what my mum did.

Makes things so tense and unbearable that I give in. I’ve always been a people pleaser. I do want counselling but will CBT help for this?

I’m exhausted. Not even through him. Just the severity of my childhood has always been downplayed by my mum. She’d say things like no family is perfect it wasn’t all bad.

Dad died years ago. When he did she basically ignored me. I was college age at the time. Blames it on “I didn’t know what I was doing it’s all a blur”

You have to be strong for your DD. Stop attempting to reconcile with an absolute manchild like this. Find some self worth. Get your DD a passport, book a holiday (pay in instalments if necessary), make yourself a priority as much as your DD- forget him. Contact CMS so they can properly calculate what he should be paying and ensure he does pay. Reclaim your life.

I've not read all the thread yet.

Do The Freedom Programme. It is well known that if you have had one abusive relationship you have a higher chance of another. If you've had two then that chance ramps up. Three and it's higher still. You need to break the cycle, learn to see red flags and how to enforce healthy boundaries.

Your DD will learn from you what a relationship should look like when she looks for a partner - show her healthy ones otherwise she will end up angry and abused too. For now do the Programme and stop giving him money even if you think DD will benefit (she won't). She doesn't need him in her life so stop buying him.

I know. I just thought at 7, it might be a little young to start gaming. But thats fine.

She has autism. She goes on age appropriate games to unwind for 45 minutes every other day.

So don't allow your daughter to live with a man who emotionally abuses you. Get yourself some therapy, apply for proper CMS payments (there is no way £200 a month is supporting your daughter if he doesn't take her), and try to agree proper access (where he takes her out without you).

You won't feel better overnight but for both yours and your daughters sake, let today be the day you take control! It can only get better...

@Emotionstorn - I hope you did manage to get some sleep in the end.

Firstly, I do NOT think you overreacted or did anything wrong, and blocking this cocklodger was 100% the right thing to do.

Secondly, I know you got upset when someone suggested you might need mental health support, but I do wonder if counselling is something that might be helpful for you - not because you got angry last night, but because you had a difficult childhood, and it might help if you worked through your parents' actions and how they have affected you, so that you can build healthy relationships in the future.

Please know, I am NOT saying there is anything wrong with you - I just think that dealing with your past will help you to have a better future.

I wish you well.

Stop with the role playing happy family. It doesn't exist.

Start over with you and her. He takes her out alone, without you, in tow, paying. He pays for what they do. The park is free, if he has no money.

Stop enabling him to be a sponging asshole

Don’t get back with him , his loving life only sees child with you , but freedom to do as he pleases. Set up proper visitation so he has his child alone . His walking all over you .

Berlin is a fabulous city with a lot of history.

Berlin is my first option at the minute.

I agree. I think my reaction to being told to have counselling was a knee jerk reaction.
I’ve had horrible relationships. Every date I’ve ever had has been rushed to sex.

I think the original posters wording was slightly off calling it mental health instead of therapy or counselling which when already upset and angry probably just set you off a bit.

Counselling can be a great addition to anybody life and will give you a safe private space to openly talk about childhood, your relationship and might give you some ideas for coping mechanisms for when he inevitably does stupid annoying selfish things going forward.

Nothing is wrong with you that can’t be fixed.

Let’s start with the positives,

you are single handedly raising a healthy, happy and much loved child.

you are a kind person who wants everyone to feel wanted and loved

you try to see the best in everyone and work hard to show people they are valued and worth caring about ( even when they try their best to prove you wrong!)

So your starting place for change is very positive, you have energy, you have commitment. What you need to do is recognise a few truths.

your ex is not going to change and accept a parental role voluntarily or even involuntarily, this is his loss but not your responsibility.

your child will benefit from your example of being a strong parent.

your child will not benefit from you trying to force a relationship with someone who does not understand or care what being a good parent is about. He will always fall at the first hurdle, will always let your child down, will not be a good model for resilience, hard work and kindness. He is not worth the effort you are putting in.

First steps

stop paying this man for being a lousy parent

contact CSA

look in the mirror and know that you are looking at a warrior queen

I would keep that information to myself if I were you. You can't control what he does with the information once he has it, and it might be fed back to your child with a nasty spin on it.

@Emotionstorn use this anger in a positive way.

Accept you have been a pushover and manipulated by this man.

But tell yourself it is NOT going to happen any more. New day, new you. Be assertive.

Set yourself some rules. Write them down.

• do not give him any money or pay for anything for him.
• do not spend time together with him. You are not a family so do not play happy families. He has your DD on his days and it"s up to him to entertain her, feed her etc... he pays for stuff on his time.

Good luck!