To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

You sound emotionally very young, OP, which makes sense if you have autism.

Stop giving this man any money, sort out access to your shared child through official channels, and spend some time establishing a comfortable, happy, complete life for yourself and your daughter without a man's involvement, as it doesn't sound like you're currently capable of establishing healthy relationship dynamics.

I'd work on that before thinking about dating. Being able to have strong boundaries, not needing a partner to give you validation, and having a good sense of self-worth, are all very important to avoid getting into toxic or unhealthy relationships. Your daughter needs you to be happy, healthy, and confident, and relationship drama doesn't help you to be those things.

Wtf is wrong with you? This guy has USER tattooed right across his face and you can’t see it? STOP! Step back. Stop paying for anything.

Part of growing up is realising your parents are fallible and imperfect and accepting that and moving on.
Minimise contact and compartmentalise, grey rock people inc the ex if you feel they drag you down. This is your life now so take control, you set the boundaries.

You must let go of the anger, bitterness, resentment because you owe it to your child to be better for her. Move forward positively and make your own little family. Go on outings, just the two of you.

Treat every day like a school day and learn something new. Teach your daughter joy and positivity.

Try not to let your low mood reflect onto her because she will remember.💐

Why are you giving him finanical help and going to a movie and refueling his car like you are his wealthy mother?
Well time to put a stop to paying his way.
It maybe best to get a lawyer and sort out some child custody arrangements.
Do you really want to co parent as well as pay his way?
That income could be going on a holiday for you and your child while stepping out of parenting the dad.
You can not be angry as you are choosing to pay.
Or stay in the rut...is the holiday he is on with a woman...probably!
We all have issues but in comes boundries to protect ourselves.

You don’t need mental health support because you are angry about this. You do need it because of your actions that have led up to this. You have enabled a situation that you are now angry about, and it’s not rational that you have acted as you have to get to this point. The other aspect is that this is terrible role modelling for your child. There is no shame in professional assistance in such a situation.

You don’t need to make up for a shit father , just continue being a good mum (which you are)
do better for all of you and get rid of this 🐓 of a man 😃

Make today you end it with him. Make that commitment to yourself - if only to the extent he never ever benefits from the contents of your wallet, your income, your credit cards etc.

Today’s rage will dull somewhat with time, but the promise/commitment made to never again give or spend on this arrogant, greedy, no conscience creton hopefully takes root. Take your financial power back and never let anyone use or take advantage of you again. Stay strong, remember this rage and say NO and repeat.

You need therapy or mental health help so you can truly realize that falling for the same type of person over and over again is always going to end the same way.
You need help to break the cycle, just as anyone would. Therapy is not a bad thing if it helps show you and your daughter that you both have worth that needs to be respected.

Why are you with this absolute loser? He should be putting petrol in your car and giving you treats. Would you be happy if your daughter was someone’s doormat, like you are being? Bump him off. Just because you have a child together, doesn’t mean you need to be together. Posts like this make me realise my partner isn’t so bad.

I haven’t read all your posts but I can see how angry you are. I would be to. Not because he went away but because he pleads poverty and you’re out of pocket buying his clothes and facilitating him having a lovely time with DD. I would stop that immediately and I would also make him have DD on his own. He may not be a great dad but he is a semi present one and that’s better than nothing. I would not be thinking of reconciling without having couple therapy first. He’s a selfish man and you seem to have low self esteem without someone there to point this out to both of you nothing will change. This circle of splitting and reconciling will repeat for years. This will be foundations of how DD will view relationships.i would set specific boundaries and say you can have her x,y & z and if he lets her down that’s on him and not for you to fix. You just have to be there for her when or if this upsets her. You don’t have to make excuses for him but never slag him off either. Just explain that some people are complicated and broken and to try and make sense of their actions is a fruitless exercise because you can’t control how someone else behaves you can only control the power they have over you. I would make it easy to see him but I wouldn’t be chasing him to. We all want our children to have idyllic childhoods with no complications and to feel love and secure by those that are meant to care but that’s not reality. You have people disappointed with partners current or ex’s, you have grandparents that don’t seem bothered that favour other GC. You hope they go through school happily and not be bullied and have plenty of friends but life doesn’t work like this. I suppose you can choose to not have kids with a loser but hindsight is a powerful thing. You need to stop protecting your DD from the real him. She needs to know who he is. So build her up. When he lets her down don’t let her blame or question her worth. Always explain the complexity of broken people. That she is great and he is blind to what he has. You can do this without being directly hostile to his character where she may get defensive and turn on you. Good luck poster

Thank goodness you’ve had this epiphany. This man does nothing for you or his child. You are about to save yourself a punch of money and angst. Your DD will lose nothing by having (even) less to do with this waste of space. Onwards and upwards!

You sound so naïve that I have a sinking feeling you'll allow this ridiculous situation to continue OP.

Please prove me wrong 🙏🏻

Honestly it's not

You have a beautiful daughter

You have a job and somewhere to live

Change the locks on the property

Never see or speak to him again unless he's taking DD out and then pass her to him and shut the door

Never ever ever give ANYONE money apart from DD

Spend the money you'll save on not seeing this absolute cunt, on DD and therapy for you

Your life is not shit. Thank god you've discovered FINALLY that this man is a cockjodging wanker. What a relief.

Be proud of yourself and step into your new life today

Use that anger to turn your life around. You broke up with him, Reconcile all you like but don’t let him treat you like a doormat. Put your energy into you, your daughter and work, You’re better off without this deadbeat loser who is up to god knows what with his friend in Benidorm. He is not worth it. Life is too short to waste on someone like that. Life is too short to spend it miserably unhappy and angry.

Tell him you’ll no longer be seeing him as having sex with a man who gets you to pay for the petrol in his car has given you the ick.

then never pay for a single thing of his again. Don’t be pressured into anything, and set your bar high for any future relationships, for you and your daughters sake!

What a dick. He seems to have no appreciation for the fact that it is difficult to 'just be happy' for someone who has concealed a holiday from you; who claims they need you to pay for loads of their stuff whilst they can apparently afford to go away; who effectively has to be bribed into doing anything with or for their own child.

I'm so glad you have decided to stop paying for stuff and to stop the reconciliation train.

Please don't need so harsh on yourself. You've done what you've done because you want your DD to feel like she is loved by both her parents. You want to give her a different experience to your own childhood. But the thing is, by loving her and caring about her so much, it sounds like you are ALREADY giving her something different: a mum who is very different from how your mum was with you. That will matter a lot more to her than having a dad in her life who has to be bribed to be there.

If your ex wants to be in your DD's life - and he does have a right to be if he chooses to- it is up to him to earn that by making an effort; paying what he owes her; using the right channels to ensure he sees her.

Good luck and I hope you have an incredible holiday in october.

Your reconciliation has paid for his holiday. Dump his sorry arse when he returns and make sure you put things in place to get the appropriate child allowance. If he can afford to go away on a jolly he can afford to pay for his child

dont let him convince you his mates paid for his holiday.
be strong op

This OP! You deserve better - bin off this loser and focus on you & DD, and raise the bar for future relationships. I hear you - I accepted what was given to me in relationships for years and it's hard! I managed to break away from that with therapy and some good friends who helped me build up my self esteem, you can do it too. Don't settle for this man child and use the anger you feel to spur you onto a fresh start x

Blocking his number isn't the way forward as surely you still need to co parent and this can be seen as you blocking his access if he were to pursue access in court.

As you have now realised you are a mug for buying him things. I am always surprised people don't see this happening. Did you not stop and think that whenever you met you were paying and not to say something about your turn to pay? I understand you wanting to do things with your DD like the cinema but why on earth would you give him money for trainers? Surely when he asked you would say something like I already pay for DDs items, I am not paying for you too.

You need to work on your own self esteem and not let yourself be so desperate to play happy families that you let men take you for a fool.

Why are you treating him and filling up his car? I'm confused

Channel this rage into putting a complete full stop to tolerating this and knowing you deserve better

Because your parents trained you as a child that you came second to others needs and you send him money to try to keep him happy, thats not your responsibility, hes responsible for his own emotions not youn

You cant protect your daughter if hes a useless dad, thats not your responsibility
You are not responsible for giving him things and money
Delete his banking details
Use a family app for all contact, its recorded in the app
Look at the Freedom programme

Do not buy him a single thing, ever again. You don't owe him anything at all!! Go to the CMS and get proper maintenance sorted, take your DD out by yourself, I promise she'll have a great time with just you. Do not allow him to treat you like this, you deserve so much better.

Don’t be!
Use the past to shape your future. Focus on yourself and your child. You cannot change what has happened before but you can use that experience to make changes for the better.