To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

It’s too late to be blaming your parents for this crap, you’ve been a parent for years, your behaviour is on you now and know one else. YOU are putting your daughter through this crap and you are modelling shit relationships to her, and it’s only you that can change this. Use this as a wake up call to take accountability for your own life (and your child’s) and move on without this guy. If you keep being a mug you will turn your child into one too

Keep him blocked. Tell him he can communicate about your daughter via email. Then have as little to do with the man again.

Stop paying this loser anything more. Most of us men out there are far from this guy, and you deserve better and not to be used by this guy any longer! 🤎

OP I was a lone parent for many years. Believe me, life is alot more peaceful without a useless man in it. It was me and my girl for many years and it was wonderful.

Have you ever tried talking to ChatGBT? Hear me out! It’s a really useful tool to understanding yourself, how your childhood experiences shaped the person you are today and why you put up with shit relationships as an adult. I’ve found it incredibly helpful in understanding myself and others around me.

I’ve had personal therapy before (That’s also great if you can afford it). But if money is tight then ChatGPT is a great alternative.

Copy and paste your original post and ask for advice understanding why you put up with this? And follow the questions it will ask you. I hope you will find it as helpful as I have.

Make sure that you are on reliable contraception, as the last thing you need at the moment is another child with him or a ONS - but also try to stop getting validation from men. In my experience, you find the nicest ones when you aren't looking. Once you have managed to emotionally disentangle from this loser, you can concentrate on having your best life with your DD.

Stop paying this loser anything more. Most of us men out there are far from this guy, and you deserve better and not to be used by this guy any longer! 🤎

Why isn’t he taking DD overnight and weekends. You treat him like an incapable child? Why are you mothering him? he acts like a spoiled little child.

Your ex isn't a citizen of another country, is he? If so, don't let him anywhere near your daughter's passport. Actually, don't let him anywhere near it whatever.

Learn your lesson, and value yourself higher in future. Only have a second child if you're married, and to a man who pays his share of the bills, does his share of the work and doesn't treat the mother of his child like an inconvenience. Your past has left you thinking you're not worthy of decent treatment; work on your self-esteem. Focus on raising your child well, and don't get involved with any more deadbeats. That's all you can do.

Your kind heart and generosity are something to be proud of, not humiliated by.

He holds the shame here. He is not a good man. Not a good father. You are now seeing him for who he really is. That clarity is good. The anger will help you to gain more freedom. Good luck.

Use that feeling to empower yourself.

Why did you go to the cinema with him?
Why are you letting him use you?

Come on, get angry!!

He does it because you allow it. You are encouraging him to be a cocklodging waster and not a man and as such you can be sure he has zero respect for you. Stop doing it.

Tough words to hear but the right advice OP

Keep it blocked. For your sake and the sake of your daughter. You both deserve better than this. He's an absolute prick who, up until now, has known you'll put up with this nonsense. Make today the day you decide that you're finally done with him. If he wants to see his daughter, it's going to have to be on an official basis, a set day a week and you will want money from him to help bring up his daughter. If he can't provide that, then cut him loose and have nothing more to do with him. There's no way in hell he deserves to get the fun side of being a parent if he can't be bothered to put anything into that.
You'll be a million times better off without him.

Use the anger to plan, when he asks for money or petrol what will you say? When you are shopping and go to buy him a treat, what will you do? What will you do with the money you’re not spending on him? You don’t need to spend money to have fun with a child, if you are with him when he has get, plan low key, low cost days (parks, walks, movies at home, arts and crafts). PS he isn’t co-parenting and you shouldn’t be planning his days.

Stop paying for things that only benefit him. When it's a family thing, think of him as the popcorn at the cinema. An optional extra you may want to pay for on the odd occasion as a special treat for DD.
Then see how keen he is to reconcile.

He is vile and you sound like an absolute doormat. Paying for everything and skivvying after him? Get a grip, be independent, and be a role model for your child.

Stop being a mug.

He’s a dick. This is no reflection on you. I don’t know a single man who would treat someone like this.

You don’t have to accept it.

Use your current anger to move on and I hope you find yourself a proper man.

Don’t let him back in OP. I’ve been there, done that, wasted too many years trying to fix broken men. An abusive childhood doesn’t stop at childhood - but you can break free - get some therapy - contact talking therapies today and put yourself on a waiting list. They’ll probably turn you down as being too complex - but refuse to accept nothing and they’ll refer you to a charity - at least that’s what happened to me. Good luck

He said he didn’t tell me as he knew I’d react.

👆This is classic bullshit from a classic manchild.

OP - you did the right thing by kicking off when you found out he was on a lads holiday whilst he's been taking your cash. He needs the smile wiping off his face.

Don't unblock him. Enjoy the silence and serenity. Let your daughter buy stuff on the PS5 tonight - that'll really piss him off as he can't contact you to ask for the money back. He bought it - he pays for it! That's the way it swings from now on.

It's your time now. Time for you to do it completely your way. It will be a lot of fun I promise you.

Don’t go to Berlin it’s gloomy!! There are much better places for October half term. Try Paris with a a day trip to Disney or Rome for a hopefully slightly better bit of weather or Oslo to see the snow.

Oh and stop spending money on this loser. A shitty dad is not better than no dad.

I hope you got some sleep OP.

He is a selfish man-child and it sounds like you’ve been buying his time and attention for both you and your daughter. That’s not normal healthy ‘family’ behaviour.

You and your daughter will be fine without him. Good luck. Stay strong.

Your issue here is that only "part" of you wants him out of your life. The whole of you and your daughter need to want that. He is not adding anything to either your life or your daughter's other than negatives.

I really feel for you. I think you get what you tolerate. I divorced a man like this and he’s found his next cash cow. I expect he’ll find another after her. Some people are takers and they look for givers.

You need to stop tolerating this. End it and refuse to pay another penny for him.

I think it’s right that putting up with this kind of behaviour comes from childhood. It’s worth looking into that. Were you raised to always put other people’s needs before your own?