AIBU to think there was no need to spend this much time in the disabled loo?

[Pinkstuffs]

I went to a popular family attraction today. There was one disabled toilet with the baby change inside. When I got to it, a woman was going in with a child aged about four, and a portable potty.

I have a catheter so usually use the disabled loo so I can wash my hands before emptying and not touch anything. Sometimes I have to adjust my catheter as well which is easier with more room. I also have a 5 month old baby who needed changing. No baby change at all in the women’s toilet and it was quite cold so I didn’t want to change my baby in the pram.

We waited 20 minutes for the toilet to be free. After that I had to call my husband to bring me the pram as I can’t hold my baby any longer than that as I’m recovering from a major abdominal surgery (not a csection) that I had 3 weeks ago. Presumably the woman heard me on the phone. My husband came and met me and it took another 10 mins for them to be finished.

When she came out she said she had heard me complaining to my husband (tbf I did say it was taking forever for the toilet to become free) and that I was being unfair. But AIBU to think her child could have just gone in a normal cubicle? I’ve got a toddler and I just take him in the women’s with me.

That is wonderful that he is recovering and had his reversal,

I had to have my bladder removed so mine is permanent, but even with good routines I don't think many people have a straightforward whack on and off change,

She was carrying a 5mth old! It was hardly an aseptic situation.
Dh should do the baby change, obviously tbh. The op could wash hands and uses elbows, cuffs whatever to open cubicle doors. Or, take anti bac as I and others have said.

Harassing someone using a toilet is not ok.

Taking up a toilet for 30 minutes is not ok

I had a child that did the same thing. Can I suggest what worked well for her? Warm water, a teaspoon of califig in kefir yoghurt (you can get nice flavours like vanilla). A sprinkle of branflakes in their usual cereal or just on the side as a snack and a chopped up apple. These things in particular made more of a difference than cold water and other yoghurt and fruits. Wishing your little one all the best.

Thanks.

He still has some bowel issues that seem to be permanent and they aren't quite sure why but it was decided that the reversal would be better for him and a reason for that was his tricky stoma, I think they may have looked into making it permanent otherwise.

Exactly what did the op think was going on, the previous person just having a little chill in the accessible toilets, maybe took a flask of coffee and a mag? She was in there for that long as she clearly needed to be.

One of mine had horrific functional constipation & also ARFID which was exacerbated by crippling stomach pains. He was hospitalized & tube fed many times.

If he needed 30 mins on the potty or toilet in a private & quiet space I would do everything to get that. I would be livid if you were hammering on the door.

I have bladder issues to & have had indwelling catheters & self catheterize. I've never used a disabled toilet for that & actually it doesn't entitle you to a radar key (A urostomy would though). I do the responsible thing & carry gloves with me & wash my hands before entering a normal toilet.

Your sense of entitlement is astonishing

She wasn't harassing her thou she literally said to her husband that someone was taking a while in the loo. If I was waiting ages for a disabled loo I'd also text/ call who I'm with and say that I'm waiting a while for the loo. Not to complain but just bc it's the polite thing to do.

My son (3) has severe issues around pooing. It's really distressing for him and definitely not something we can do in a normal cubicle.

I wouldn't judge anyone using a disabled toilet. Even if I can't see the reason why.

Talking loudly on the phone saying the person using the loo is taking too long is harassment. There's just no need.

I would bet money that there was nothing wrong with the woman or her child and she was just faffing about.

Could be wrong but I highly doubt it somehow

None of which matters, as we have no idea of the reason why she was using the disabled loo in the first place. The issue is, that a large family attraction, appeared to have only the one disabled facility. It is not enough, and the OP may care to direct her attention to that fact, especially if she is likely to visit again, at some point.

@PinkstuffsShe might have a stoma. You really have no idea why she took so long and it’s passive aggressive to phone your husband and moans about it outside the toilet door. I’m sure no one sees going to the toilet as a fun activity to prolong.

I wonder if she might have reacted better to you knocking and asking than by talking about it on your phone. If she'd been asked straightforwardly there's a chance -only a chance, admittedly - that she might have been more inclined to hurry things up if she could. If she thinks you are being PA, maybe she's inclined to be PA back.

Of course it matters. If she isn't disabled, she shouldn't be in there. OP is disabled and was prevented from going in by her selfish faffing.

I’m with you on this one OP. In your position I would not hesitate using the disabled toilet. I have used a disabled toilet after breaking my arms. I didn’t have a sunflower lanyard or a blue badge, but the extra room made a lot of difference. I also have used disabled toilet at the airport to find and then take medication after traveling overnight and alone ( which I have done a few times recently). I would wait should there be someone else in the queue.

That extra space can be a game changer when you have health challenges.

That is it though, no one can say if she was disabled or not. The outcome was the same, there should be more disabled facilities.

Sigh. Why be so mean? She said why. She has just had major abdominal surgery and has a baby to change.... Which can't be done in the women's loos.

I could think of ways for you to get around your son's problems that would be equally as unhelpful (and presumptuous) as you trying to 'solve' the OPs problem.

30 mins is a long time. But sometimes it just takes that long. The place should have more disabled loos.

No, we can't know. But I would bet money that she wasn't. There are so many chancers out there.

If it was indeed 30 minutes then YANBU about the length of time, but YABU about assuming she didn’t have a need for the accessible toilet. Presumably your need isn’t obvious and you rightly expect people not to question you for using it, the same goes for her.

dealing With a catheter doesn’t take 30
minutes in the toilet! Even if you need to change clothes etc for an accident! And yes I do know what I'm talking about as have one myself

Put a nappy on him when you go out then 🤷‍♀️ it’s a very common thing for children that age especially with additional needs and most of us deal with this with a nappy when out and about as that avoids the public toilet problem. Luckily as they get older they often get a lot better about it with a lot of work out in from OT and parents. If you haven’t already seen an occupational therapist I can highly recommend

I have never heard of calfig so thank you! She’s currently on macrogol which does seem to be helping a lot. She also has ARFID so unfortunately it’s very hard to get fibre into her 😢 it’s hard seeing them so distressed about something which must be done every day! Honestly it’s one of the main things that puts me off taking my children on day trips without another adult present. Glad your little one is doing better!

How callous. Why shouldn’t the OP wear a nappy if she can’t wait for the disabled loo? Oh yes, because it would be embarrassing and unfair. Don’t expect a 3 or 4yo to not have the same feelings - they are people too.

Exactly this. Stoma leak, anything. Just because she had a 4 year old doesn't mean she doesn't need extra time. Either her, her son or both of them could need the facilities for different reasons. No judgement. I also self catheterise, but I don't technically need a disabled bathroom. Just one that has a bin in it. So she technically may have needed the space more than you did. It's not fair to judge.