To ask my SIL to not visit after 6:30 pm on a Sunday evening?

[Goinggreymammy]

SIL is about 4 years younger than us, doesn't have a partner or children. Has a very busy job with lots of out of hours calls, emails etc. She has friends and sometimes sees them or goes hiking on weekends. She lives about 15 mins drive away and we rarely see her. My 3 children are her only nieces/nephews. She doesn't allow us to visit her house (yes, literally says no..... once my son, 7, wanted to use the toilet and she was giving my son and DH a lift home she said no, he couldn't go in, just drove them home. )
Anyway she does her weekly shop in a place near us and every month or so will arrive around 7pm to visit. If I ask if she had a busy day.... no, just some WFH, etc. We just aren't enough to visit without adding us onto her shopping. My kids are older now but they have sports fixtures on Sundats so need showers before bed. And I try to have some downtime, watch a family show together etc, then do stories. So I find the random 7pm visits annoying. She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.
She organised a meal out for PIL, BIL, herself and my DH and I a month ago and it was on a Sunday at 5pm. Why can't she call here at 5pm?
YABU. Suck it up.
YANBU say something.

This. A simple “no that doesn’t work for us” should suffice.

She’s not shy about saying no to you in her house.

Sounds to me like she’s got nothing to do and as you said is tagging a visit to you on to her shopping trip.Could she not visit around lunchtime before the shopping or would that not suit you either? She’s what I call an opportunist ie visiting you only when there’s nothing else to do and she’s in the area anyway so killing 2 birds with 1 stone.On the other hand maybe a bit lonely and dreads Sunday evenings

Agreed.

oh joy! Honestly, I have a single friend who is like that. I can see her on her terms only. She has no family, partner or pets. I have kids, dogs, husband… weekends are so super busy. I could meet her half way (we live an hour on the train away from each other) on a Sunday as it’s less busy than a Saturday. It’s always a ‘no’. It’s her day to chill. We haven’t seen each other in 9 months and she is upset with me. But between kids’ sport fixtures, GCSEs, A levels and uni research I simply cannot give her a Saturday: Because meeting me on a Sunday messes her routine. There is no consideration to my routine though. Argh. It’s a tough one. But please ask her to come before her monthly shop? X

Just ask her to come before the shop?

I don’t get why you’re so hung up on her not coming if you say 7pm isn’t good for you.

you can’t force a relationship.

I guess people with no children have no idea what it’s like unless explained to them.

I’d carry on with your normal Sunday routine if your DH is home to entertain her. Do bath time, get the kids into bed & sit in your bed with a cuppa & a book while they go asleep.

I appreciate I’m going against the grain a bit here, but it’s on average once a month? I think it’s sweet she wants to see the kids. Not a hill I’d be dying on to be honest

So say "Sorry, that's not convenient, but could we fix another time for you to come round for a meal?" of something similar to that.

Just as an FYI, where I am in Australia, major grocery stores are open until 10pm Sundays, usually 11pm weeknights. It’s convenient.

Oh no. Your in-laws = your husband / wife’s problem to deal with. Why weren’t they handling it?

Your SIL says No when something doesn't suit her ,you need to do the same...

You say you want your kids to know their aunt. Her coming round on a Sunday when they are getting ready for bed is hardly forming a relationship is it? She isnt behaving like a proper aunt and it sounds like she never has been so no loss to them if you say please dont turn up at 7 on a Sunday. Also its your house and just as much your right and responsibility to tell her whats what as your DH.

She's quite happy to say No to your son. I think you are able to say No to her!

Be positive to see her. You see her rarely.
Ask SIL to read stories and help with the kids.

As she leaves, suggest that next time she comes over to yours for dinner at 5:00 before her shopping.
That might break the cycle. Then it won't be difficult to suggest that she visits at 5 instead of 7. A meal together is much nicer and SIL won't stay late due to her shopping.

Of course you can say something. Suggest another time she can visit, but say after 7 on a Sunday doesn't work for you for the reasons you've given above.

Next time she turns up unannounced just carry on with the bedtime routine. If this means you're upstairs showering the kids or reading stories so be it. It you want to watch something with the kids watch it in their room upstairs. She'll soon get the hint that that time is not suitable to you when she's sitting downstairs on her own..

Er, why is she visiting at all without an invitation?
Obviously YANBU, OP.

Because many people are not like the cadre of Mners who regard an unannounced caller as akin to a death threat?

He will never say no to them so I am the big baddie 😈 😂

But OP's SIL is like the cadre of Mumsnetters who regard an unannounced called as akin to a death threat. She doesn't let anyone into her house.

SIL is being completely hypocritical by expecting to be able to just turn up at an inconvenient time for her brother's family while never extending any sort of invitation to her own home and not even letting her nephew in to use her toilet.

Ah, that's a common problem, a man who won't say boo to any of his female relatives (but is quite happy for his wife to be upset).

Invite her? At your convenience?

Just tell her 7 on a Sunday evening is prep for bedtime and the week and not best timing so could she come earlier.

She is unaware, (non parents just are) you seem to be waiting for everyone to get it right or wrong as a test.

Just communicate directly.

You can’t control what other people do, though, only what you do. Whether or not the SIL likes visitors is irrelevant here, especially as it doesn’t sound as if the OP has any interesting in visiting her. The OP, on the other hand, does get to decide whether to use her words to (1) tell her to stop her once a month visit altogether, (2) to come two hours earlier, or (3) to arrange an entirely different time that works for everyone.

Why not invite her round to eat with you on the Sunday evening, if it’s just her it’s only one more mouth to feed.
you could respond with “7pm is a bit late for the kids getting ready for bed, why don’t you join us for tea (dinner) at 5:30?”