To ask my SIL to not visit after 6:30 pm on a Sunday evening?

[Goinggreymammy]

SIL is about 4 years younger than us, doesn't have a partner or children. Has a very busy job with lots of out of hours calls, emails etc. She has friends and sometimes sees them or goes hiking on weekends. She lives about 15 mins drive away and we rarely see her. My 3 children are her only nieces/nephews. She doesn't allow us to visit her house (yes, literally says no..... once my son, 7, wanted to use the toilet and she was giving my son and DH a lift home she said no, he couldn't go in, just drove them home. )
Anyway she does her weekly shop in a place near us and every month or so will arrive around 7pm to visit. If I ask if she had a busy day.... no, just some WFH, etc. We just aren't enough to visit without adding us onto her shopping. My kids are older now but they have sports fixtures on Sundats so need showers before bed. And I try to have some downtime, watch a family show together etc, then do stories. So I find the random 7pm visits annoying. She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.
She organised a meal out for PIL, BIL, herself and my DH and I a month ago and it was on a Sunday at 5pm. Why can't she call here at 5pm?
YABU. Suck it up.
YANBU say something.

She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.

And you responded with what? Hopefully you said something like “sorry, that’s not really convenient for us, can we arrange another time”, rather than just expecting her to know it’s not ok with you.

Just tell your SiL, or get your DH to tell her, that this doesn't work for you. She is perfectly comfortable not allowing people into her home, let her know you have boundaries too.

She well could be in the UK.

Scotland for example…

Why doesn't she allow anyone in her house? I can't believe that she didn't allow her nephew to use the toilet.

Just tell her that it isn't convenient for her to visit on a Sunday evening. She doesn't worry about offending you by not letting you into her home so don't worry about offending her.

Seems a lot of angst and resentment instead of just being clear about what works for you and what doesn't.

Tell her you will be calling over to her at 5pm next Sunday for an hour. You will not be allowed in (WTAF!), so when she says, no I'll call over to you, say you will be on your way to X which is in her direction so that won't work. Bullshit your way through this slightly bonkers woman's defences. I'd have fun with this TBH.

That's a very big backstory when obviously it is never unreasonable to just say to ANYBODY "No, sorry that doesn't suit us"

Text her back that it doesn't suit you on a sunday evening, and keep doing so.

May be sits alone at a pub in the hope of meeting someone? And when no one comes , she comes to the relatives

Just text back - sorry that time doesn't work for us.

Or she comes and you get on with stuff round her - and go and do rest bit in your bed room.

Say no and advise when it is ok. It's only on Sunday that it is difficult from what I gather.

"Sorry, 7pm is too late as we'll be doing bath and bed time."

I wouldn't want to know someone who wouldn't allow me into her home like that though.

Do this…sorry busy, can’t do tonight. We are around your way next Wednesday ( or a much more inconvenient day) and will pop in so you can have a catch -up with us and the kids. Every time. Do not answer you door to her- send the text - sorry busy tonight… Enjoy!

“Sorry 7pm is to late, we’re getting ready for the week.” Easy.

What issues has the woman got anyway? Is she a bit bonkers or does she actually suffer from some anti social illness/hoarding/secret lover in the attic etc. I want the full story, there's a lot of info missing and I hate that!

Tell her that time doesn’t work for you. If she isn’t a parent herself maybe she doesn’t get the madness of Sunday evenings.

Is she supposed to read your mind? If you don't tell her it doesn't work for you, she'll carry on visiting on a Sunday evening.

Yabu for not just saying sorry no, we are busy.
Yanbu to find it irritating that she drops in on her own terms when it suits her and makes no effort otherwise.

Perfectly reasonable to say “Sunday evenings don’t work for us but we’re happy to have you round at x time/day”.

Your SiL isn't doing anything wrong, tbh. She's got her firm boundaries about people going to her house, which is one thing, and she messages you about once a month to say that she's in the area and thought she'd drop in? Not the worst social crimes in the great scheme of things.

I completely agree that it's an annoying time - I wouldn't want anyone landing on us on a Sunday evening - but just tell her! She might just be under the impression that she's welcome and it's not a problem. This is definitely one of those things that should be sorted with a bit of normal communication, I would think.

Never knew this. Very civilised.

I am weird about Sundays.
They are like the ultimate school night to me.
Not like a normal school night but a much schoolier school night. I feel like I have to have a very "thorough" school night in order to feel ready for the week. We have a heartier dinner, the kids get a dessert, everyone has a bath or a shower, my daughter has her once a week hair treatment, I have a face pack, nails are trimmed, rooms must be tidy, lunches must be made the night before on a Sunday the old "fuck it, I'll make them in the morning" is not acceptable on this school night of all school nights. All homework must be checked etc etc.
I then often meal prep for the week ahead when the kids are settled.
I would not appreciate my schooliest school night being interrupted unless I was very comfortable getting on with my own thing with the person around, or better still, if they were the kind of Auntie who enjoys pitching in by helping with homework or reading bedtime stories.

It doesn't sound like she is this this kind of SIL given that she won't even let her own nephew use her toilet so I would politely tell her that it's not the best time for you. Or get DH to.

I need to know what the hell she's up to in her house to be so cagey though. Do you think it's a secret weed farm?

Why can't she visit on her way TO DO her shopping, rather than afterwards? Doesn't all her shopping defrost/get warm in the car while she's visiting?

And anyway, the words 'no sorry, we can't do Sunday evening. Why not come for tea instead?' might work.

Absolutely….

If someone visits and the time doesn't work for you, you tell them. It's why we have mouths.