To ask my SIL to not visit after 6:30 pm on a Sunday evening?

[Goinggreymammy]

SIL is about 4 years younger than us, doesn't have a partner or children. Has a very busy job with lots of out of hours calls, emails etc. She has friends and sometimes sees them or goes hiking on weekends. She lives about 15 mins drive away and we rarely see her. My 3 children are her only nieces/nephews. She doesn't allow us to visit her house (yes, literally says no..... once my son, 7, wanted to use the toilet and she was giving my son and DH a lift home she said no, he couldn't go in, just drove them home. )
Anyway she does her weekly shop in a place near us and every month or so will arrive around 7pm to visit. If I ask if she had a busy day.... no, just some WFH, etc. We just aren't enough to visit without adding us onto her shopping. My kids are older now but they have sports fixtures on Sundats so need showers before bed. And I try to have some downtime, watch a family show together etc, then do stories. So I find the random 7pm visits annoying. She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.
She organised a meal out for PIL, BIL, herself and my DH and I a month ago and it was on a Sunday at 5pm. Why can't she call here at 5pm?
YABU. Suck it up.
YANBU say something.

What do the children get out of the visits, given that the SIL is awkward around them?

Lol. Im in Ireland! To be honest I can think of few things I'd less like to do on a Sunday night than grocery shopping. Even when I lived alone and had a hectic social life, I always prioritised chilling out on Sunday nights.

This exact reply takes me to my earlier point of what are you expecting to get here? You know you are not unreasonable but are making excuses rather than tell another adult the truth. Either deal with this or accept it and stop wasting your energy otherwise.

Apparently the light bulb was blown in the downstairs loo and she had been doing washing so had duvet covers/sheets etc hun out upstairs or something. I just laughed.... like... we do washing here too, he has seen it before. He wasnt going to per on her clothes!
I've been in by myself once and its a perfectly normal house. I think in her head the kids are still toddlers and she would need to babyproof or something.

She sounds pattern-driven, and odd. You need to find a pattern that works for her and for your family.

Bing bong. Here she is.

Well, I decided to suck it up, but make myself scarce. I convinced younger DC to have showers right after dinner. And im going to leave to pick up DD1 from a Party in a few minutes.

I don’t understand why it is so important to you to maintain a relationship with someone who treats you and your children like the lowest item on her shopping list! She doesn’t give a shit about your kids. She wouldn’t even let her own nephew have a wee in her toilet. It’s a shame she’s like this, it would have been nice for your children to have a loving relationship with their aunt, but that’s not what’s happening here. You’re just showing them that it’s ok to pander to people who couldn’t give a monkeys about you.

Scotland doesn’t have this issue

I agree that 7 pm is a crazy time to visit a household with children, but she has messaged beforehand. Maybe she expected OP to tell her that it is not convenient. Is her message an awkward way of saying “can I visit?” And she gets the green light.

The family need to reset the boundaries.

What would your children miss though if they didn't see their aunt? She doesn't seem close to them and seems to actively avoid them. Does she engage with them when she is at your house?

Her terms or none, well there you are then. It's OK for her to have boundaries, but not you? Even to the point of not allowing her nephew to use the toilet, I mean, wtf, I wouldn't be bothered about keeping up a relationship with somebody like that after that incident anyway. Match her energy and tell her Sunday evenings are no good for you. If she takes umbridge at you putting a boundary in place, so what? What will you or your kids or husband be missing out on exactly? A half assed visit once a month at an inconvenient time?

Why are you so bothered about not seeing her if no one is actually that interested in seeing her?

She's not interested in the relationship is she?

Absolutely no one would be getting through my front door at 7pm on Sunday evening - I don't care if the King himself comes knocking, it isn't happening! Friends/family are all well aware of this as I have politely informed them over the years that Sunday evening is not for visitors.
I can't believe it has got to the point you've posted on here rather than just telling SIL (years ago or whenever this started) that Sunday evenings are not for socialising in your house.
The problem you have now, and the reason it seems like a big deal is because you have passively allowed this to happen so now it seems like your normal, why would SIL realise it was a problem when you have accepted it for so long?
You are going to have to have a tricky conversation with her and basically explain that despite saying nothing previously you actually find her visits a huge inconvenience. She will probably be hurt and somewhat embarrassed so I expect it will cause friction in your relationship.

I'm not sure what you are expecting from this thread @Goinggreymammy . You asked AIBU and the overwhelming response is no you're not. But then you say you're not prepared to act on it?

Firstly, I really admire your attempts to put your kids first here. But if the shoe was on the other foot and you were her, would you rather not have heard the truth? I find it so sad we can’t find it in is to just be honest enough with people and say no, and tell them why. And yet then we wonder why people behave the way they do, but yet we won’t tell them the truth to their face?

Fuck her then. She can’t have it all on her own terms. Stop letting her.

You are actually being a melt. She doesnt get to dictate your time, her time is not more important than yours. Next time just tell her no. Its too late for getting kids evening routine done.

Its a her problem not a you problem.

So it's a big enough deal to make a Mumsnet thread... but somehow you won't just text her back and say "Sorry, 7 doesn't suit, free til 5 though" or something similar. You'd rather hide in your own house and inconvenience your kids?

Do it. I have a now 4 month old and my in laws used to be at my house until gone 9pm, any day of the week, multiple times a week. When she was about 1 month old I had to tell them they needed to leave by 8pm so we can have family time. Some people honestly don’t think they’re imposing and that they’re entitled to be there because you want them there, though you don’t. You need to tell her

If you've never said to her, "I'm sorry, 7pm on a Sunday isn't a great time for us", how on earth do you expect her to know?

Definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome.

@Goinggreymammy If she's not comfortable with kids and isn't close to your DH, what's the point of her visiting anyway?!

I'd explain that Sunday evenings are busy getting ready for the week so you can't have visitors then - and leave it. If you don't see her, it won't make much difference, she doesn't sound v. interested in you all anyway.

How could anyone possibly be unreasonable for making a request about someone visiting their home? Serious question.

You’ve mentioned your SIL visits once a month, on a Sunday, which is 12 visits in a year, some of which will be on a bank holiday weekend, so it doesn’t sound like a massive inconvenienced? Your own family visits of 4 times a year is very little? To be 5 hours away would mean from Kerry to Donegal? Do your family ever visit?

So she's allowed boundaries but you are not? That makes no sense. Your children will see her, perhaps not often, but enough. You can't keep being a doormat and then complaining about it. She's using you for her own convenience - is that really someone that you want your children getting close to? So that she can dump them when its no longer convenient for her?