To ask my SIL to not visit after 6:30 pm on a Sunday evening?

[Goinggreymammy]

SIL is about 4 years younger than us, doesn't have a partner or children. Has a very busy job with lots of out of hours calls, emails etc. She has friends and sometimes sees them or goes hiking on weekends. She lives about 15 mins drive away and we rarely see her. My 3 children are her only nieces/nephews. She doesn't allow us to visit her house (yes, literally says no..... once my son, 7, wanted to use the toilet and she was giving my son and DH a lift home she said no, he couldn't go in, just drove them home. )
Anyway she does her weekly shop in a place near us and every month or so will arrive around 7pm to visit. If I ask if she had a busy day.... no, just some WFH, etc. We just aren't enough to visit without adding us onto her shopping. My kids are older now but they have sports fixtures on Sundats so need showers before bed. And I try to have some downtime, watch a family show together etc, then do stories. So I find the random 7pm visits annoying. She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.
She organised a meal out for PIL, BIL, herself and my DH and I a month ago and it was on a Sunday at 5pm. Why can't she call here at 5pm?
YABU. Suck it up.
YANBU say something.

When she texts why don't you just tell her it's not convenient on a Sunday evening. How is she going to get the message otherwise ?

Sorry, 7pm is a bad time for us with the kids-can you come earlier maybe next Saturday? Come at 3 for a cuppa?

As per every other message, say that doesn't work for us. Would love to see [suggest time & day that works for you].

Just tell her 7.00pm on a Sunday does not work for us - maybe we'll see you some other time. It definitely would not have worked for me when my kids were young and wouldn't work for me now - so I would have no problem saying that to someone who has been suiting themselves all week-end and fits me in when it is convenient for them. A hard no.

When my dc were small, I always told people when would be inconvenient eg after 7 or phoning on weekdays at the time the kids were being put to bed. Why would you not?

I have the same issue with my DM. She often comes with her partner during the day and that's fine but at 6.30 I have to say Right.....time to call it a day etc.

It can be a bit awkward but it's just the way it is.

I think she thinks it's odd but sorry we have an evening routine and I'm not going to jeopardise it.

Just tell her .

Yes, I have asked DH to say it, but he is the type that if he makes a vague reference to something then he considers that he has communicated the vital information. So he says he said it but no change.

Look, OP, you can tell anyone not to visit at a specific time for any reason. We don’t need all that backstory about her childfree and single status, her job, her friendships her shopping schedule and how often she sees your children.

But just use your words. Say a couple of hours earlier would be more convenient. She’s not psychic.

I shall be envious of your superior Scottish shopping times next time I'm hitting an English supermarket at 3.30pm on a Sunday like I'm a contestant on Supermarket Sweep.

Pretty much everything is shut in Germany on a Sunday so she's not there!

I’m rather confused tbh. She is your SIL. Who does she have the relationship with, you or her brother? What is the answer you expect to get from this thread? Are you prepared to take any action or are you just feeling the room? From where I sit this is simple, whoever holds the day to day relationship with this relative needs to simply say, really sorry, but after half X time of night on a Sunday we are consumed by XYZ so we are not hosting visitors, please let us know other times you are free and let’s organise something when everyone is available. There is no point in you asking here for views if your DH is simply sending a - drop by any time sis - message every time she texts him. Please take action or move past it and do your own thing and leave him to host her.

If its once a month id just get on with it to be honest. Families start to never see each other because of things like this. At least she makes an effort once a month to keep relationships alive. Alternatively maybe invite her for lunch once a month instead?

I agree.

I don't care what reasons she has for not inviting you to her place, but if she won't even let a child who is a member of the family use the toilet then she doesn't deserve any consideration.

If your husband won't do it you will just have to tell her she can't come at 7. It is very easy to be politely assertive without being rude.

Thank you all so far. Why don't I just say its not convenient? Or invite her at a convenient time. Because then Im afraid she would never visit. She's not really comfortable with the kids and not close to my dH. Any time I have ever asked her for a specific time she is too busy. Its on her terms or none. (She makes a huge fuss about being DD1's godmother... this year once again said she would take her out for a day instead of a present.... last year she finally did it about 4 months later, this year she still hasn't done it (7mths on).

My family are all far away - we visit 4-5 times a year if I can. But my DC don't have many relations so I really don't want to annoy her and stop the visits altogether.

It's a shame that you let her call all the shots. Is there really no way you can get the message across to her without offending her?

She isnt close to my Dh. He isnt great for keeping up relationships with his family. But my ILs are the only extended family my DC have that arent 5 hours away, and I'd like them to know their aunt.

Don’t let her in just say we’re finishing homework and we’re putting kids to bed it’s Sunday night so we’re all getting ready for week if you want your welcome early afternoon on Sunday or Saturday but we’re not doing visits on Sunday night anymore. If she refused to let a kid use her bathroom then she absolutely should not be fazed by the above.

Ok so that means you need to be the one to tell her and I assume it is you who she is messaging in the first instance? If she is messaging DH that there is a bigger problem if he is not willing to speak up!

Then we would never see her. I feel my DC would lose out having no relationship with their aunt, as my family are all a long distance away.
That said they probably see more of my brother in Texas and are closer to him.

7pm on a Sunday is the worst possible time for us, could you come at 5pm?

Have tried in the past. She is always too busy.

It doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship anyway. Does your husband not talk to her when she visits?

Next time, you need to message her straight back "No, sorry Sally, Sunday evenings are a really bad time for us for you to come. We'd love to see you, but it would need to be earlier and you be gone by 6pm" or something like that. If your DH won't sort it out, you'll need to be more on the ball with a "no" response.

OR just tell her tonight, "I wanted to say in person, but in future, please will you come earlier as after 6pm on Sundays is very busy for us with homework, bath, bedtimes etc., and late visits mess it all up" or something...

Who cares if you never see her then?🤷‍♀️ she’s clearly coming at that time hoping the kids are in bed so she doesn’t have to see them!

Because then Im afraid she would never visit.
Well that would be her choice...

She's not really comfortable with the kids and not close to my dH.
So she's coming over and inconveniencing you all but doesn't even have a relationship with the majority of the family? This is definitely a you issue unfortunately... you need to be an adult and just say "that doesn't suit". Currently you are inconvenienced. If she wants a relationship with you she'll have one.