Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

DH is getting treats and she's contributing to shared expenses. He is not hard done by.

Inheritance is a separate matter requiring a bigger convo. V different to day to day expenses and small windfalls.

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”.

OP is curiously silent on posters' suggestions to go back to work since her DH is not valuing her non-financial contribution. Based on what she said above, it sounds like the 'joint' decision for her to take two years out was probably not so joint afterall. It was her decision, with him going along reluctantly if at all.

OP has many excuses why she cannot work, despite other posters telling her she is mistaken, such as her entire wage being swallowed up by childcare as she is not entitled to 30 hours free childcare because she is not employed. Isn't the latter quite easily fixed by the company employing her and paying her a wage for her helping out in her spare time? This is fixable. It also give her credit for her state pension.

As one poster said earlier on in the thread, OP's original post lacks information. I suspect the missing bit is how much the OP's DH resents being the sole breadwinner but OP will brook no dissent because she wants to SAHM despite her DH's feelings.

SAHM only works when both parties are on board. So OP, are you going back to work since you have been told in no uncertain terms that your non-financial contribution is not valued?

He might be concerned you might get addicted. It can be a thrill that you chase, so be careful.

You have reminded me of the man who put on an "accumulator bet"?

He put on 50p.

It was 30 or so bets over the course of a year.

1st bet came in...2nd...3rd......25th!! then up to the 29!!!
Then the newspapers got excited as his final bet was for Brazil to win the world cup in 1998. He would have stood to have made about 300k I think.

However, he lost, as France totally destroyed Brazil who despite looking great all tournament, just didn't show up for the final at all and looked like they couldn't be bothered. I remember watching the match thinking about him.

Honestly I would call his bluff. Say you’ve given his comments some thought and that you’ve decides to go back to work. So how are you going to split child care and the household chores….

Calculate the cost of childcare provider, chef, cleaner, nurse, financial planner, social secretary, children's entertainer and teacher - then give him the bill, because that's just the START of your occupation as SAHM

If I've added that up correctly, you have already shared out a total of £650 from your winnings for the benefit of your family:- £100 airport parking; £150 DH new trainers; £200 into savings; £100 per child into their savings. That comes to £650. Leaving £350 for you to spend on this treatment you really, really want.

I'd say your DH was being a grumpy, selfish arse. Not even to mention his total discounting of your contribution as chief housekeeper, houseworker and childcare provider.
I'm not surprised you're upset. That would really rankle with me.
Some things go deep and are hard to forget.

Some of the responses on here are downright horrible and bitchy..
The person who said you're shallow ignore people like this .. you both agreed you would stay at home and run it instead of all wages going on childcare this is the right thing to do.
If you want to have the odd botox or treatment go ahead and have it you deserve it
You are still you.
Not just a wife or a mum you are you I wouldn't have anyone tell me what I can and can't have .
Im 51 grown up sons have botox nails my hair nice.
Its hard with a young family and being married but dont allow him to control this just because he is mean with himself.
Thats who he is .. once again be who you are do the things you enjoy x

If you're working for the business you should absolutely be getting paid for it. I'm surprised your accountant hasn't advised you of this. You can be paid up to £12,570 a year before you have to pay income tax, its the most tax efficient way to get money from the business as it also reduces the profits and therefore reduces the amount of corporation tax the business pays. You would then also be eligible for the 30 hours funding as you are employed.

I don't understand about SAHM issuing a bill for all those services. When they are performed by an SAHM, it is not performed to professional standards or even full time. This is just work that any parent has to do for their kids. If the DH withholds salary, will the SAHM stop working and withhold her labour? I suspect she will still do it because it is her parental responsibility.

If the SAHM is issuing a bill, should the DH also issue an invoice to her for his services to the family as a WOHP?

The point is, the division of labour and split between childcare/housework being done by parents or outsourced has to be agreed jointly. It does not depend on one person unilaterally deciding to SAHM and then unilaterally issuing an invoice to the other for work which the other partner does not value.

I agree that the DH has to step up on housework and childcare if the OP works. He may not enjoy the housework and decide to get a cleaner but with more income coming into the household (sorting out the 30 hours free childcare issue), that may be an option he prefers than to be the sole breadwinner.

I suspect the £350 personal spends is a red herring. It is a proxy battle for the fact the DH resents her not working and financially contributing to the household kitty and instead spending on fripperies.

Putting men on pedestal just because he is the one going to outside place of work is WRONG. Its exactly what women should be fighting against.

Its far more difficult beeing pregnant and raising kids, taking care of household. Monotony, demands 24/7, never ending boring tasks. Always someting to do. NO REWARDS!!!! He gets to bring salary. And she? She gets blamed for spending HIS money

Your work is just as valuable as his. He could not work if you did not keep the household running and do the childcare.

but I do think that as you are operating as a family unit / team re your individual contributions to the family you should have discussed the winnings with him.

I personally think money on beauty is simply a societal pressure and money maker for others…. But that’s not the point here. The point is point decision making. That said would men discuss with female partners if it were reversed? I doubt it.

Seriously?

when he sees no value to her looking after his kids all the time?

If we get a small windfall like this, my DH and I would pay the bits that need paying off, treat the kids and then split the rest.
I love my botox and a bit of filler and like you I have hollows under the eyes. I would never have tear trough filler personally though, firstly due to the upkeep expense and secondly due to it being such a high risk procedure.
I found that starting a skincare regime and a touch of botox in the smile line area, which I was having anyway, has improved it massively.

You don’t work but get botox twice a year and do your nails every 3 weeks?
Interesting thst you started off your post saying you and your husband run a business but then it turns out that he runs it and you’re a sahm? I would’ be more careful with money and paint my nails myself for starters.

You absolutely can do what you want, including getting a job to contribute to the home and to your cosmetic procedures.

As has already been said, those are things ALL parents need to do to run a house with kids in it (sometimes a lone parent even does all of these alone, and works to earn all the money too..), so its daft to suggest she's providing anything apart from childcare that would need paying for if she worked.
There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home mum if the family income allows and everyone is happy with that arrangement, lovely for the kids, but it doesn't confer sainthood status; working parents plan their finances and clean the house occasionally too!

OP ignore the nasty comments. You have shared a good chunk of your windfall. Enjoy spending the rest on yourself! Staying at home looking after children is pretty brain numbing so a treat to yourself is much overdue. X

I’m very surprised by these comments, can’t believe ppl are having a go at you for spending your dh money on Botox but at the same time call it joint money, ur his wife and have every right to spend the family money on yourself, ur not a child that you need to seek permission, it’s perfectly reasonable to spend on urself.
ur dh is an absolute a* , i can understand if he felt you didn’t need Beaty treatments and told you so in a polite way instead of going mad about you spending ur money that you won

Stupid comment. The kids are hers as well, she's not living in medieval times.

I’m sure everyone has said it before but ITS NOT YOUR WAGE THAT PAYS FOR CHILDCARE! It’s a shared expense. It really pisses me off when people say this. Sorry for the expletives.

Lol..I know. She's their mum, not an employed nanny, ffs...

nor prostitute for that matter ...

What do you mean pay her properly, he pays all their household bills

@chochobnob1

First off, I'd 'invoice' him/his business for the services you provide. If you're doing the work you should be getting paid.

Secondly, this 'SAHM contribute nothing' bullshit really pisses me off. And I always worked full time so don't have a dog in that fight.

So, do you have qualifications or experience to re-enter the workforce? Because here's what I'd do. I'd research salaries for the work you do and figure out a reasonable 'entry' wage for a full time position. Then I'd price a few nurseries/childcare providers to come up with a median amount for full time care for your two children. Then I'd tote up all the 'home duties' you perform, and I do mean everything, then I'd divvy it up into two lists.

Once I had all that I would write it all up or do a spreadsheet and present it to him and say

"Darling I understand you wanting me to return to work so I can 'contribute'. So I've done some calculations. If I return to work full time we will have to share the cost of childcare since it allows both of us to work. I estimate childcare costs will be £xx. My estimated wages should cover £xx of that (or half if of it), you'll have to pay the rest (or other half). And we'll have to divvy up dropping off and picking up the DC from childcare and how we are going to handle illnesses and appointments for them.

And this is a list of the housework and home admin I've been doing. Since we're both going to be working full-time and I've divided it up 50/50 so we're each doing our share I'm sure you'll agree that it wouldn't be fair that I work full time and AND carry the full load of house duties. Oh, and since I will be working full time and doing half the house duties I probably won't have the spare time to help with the business".

Watch him backtrack.

You haven’t won anything. They’ve given back the money you’ve spent on slots in the last year. Your DH is probably annoyed you’re spending $80 a month on gambling.

@chochobnob1 . You should take a salary from the business for tax reasons. Unless your husband pays no tax to HMRC because he doesn't make a profit. I don't know why your accountant hasn't suggested this.