Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

What a pile on. And what a cheek from your husband. If you do go back to work, who is going to do all his admin and so on? Enjoy your time with your kids, but also think about how you want YOUR financial future to look like. It seems your husband (and people on this thread) only value you according what you bring in through earnings and not through wins or inheritance, even though you have been putting some of it into the family pot. Is your husband generally like this about money?

You are definitely pulling your weight and have contributed plenty, OP. Make sure when you do go back to work that you don't do double time by keeping up his admin work for him. Let him handle that and maybe he'll appreciate how much you've done.

I think thats the issue, his money is all family money and yet you have savings that are just yours?
If thats the case YABVU

Yanbu - he is! You have been very considerate and shared your good fortune as I would do with my husband and children. So you don’t have paid work at the moment but if you did then your family and home wouldn’t function properly unless your husband contributed his time and / or money towards making sure that childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning and all the administrative duties such as appointments, receiving deliveries, being at home for maintenance workers, collecting prescriptions, etc etc.

Read again.
OP paid for the work van AND the family car out of ‘her’ money.
I wish, for the gazillionth time that people would read all the OP’s posts before replying.

This is such a catty comment. Is op not allowed anything for herself because she’s “just” a full time nanny/cook/maid who doesn’t get a wage or any thanks for this very important role. People treating her like she’s Cinderella.

Surely you still have your autonomy and brain cells to make your own decisions - to know what breaks the bank and what constitutes fairness. Why does he get to say what you do/don't do or whether you deserve a treat now and then. He sounds like another one of those men who wants control over everything. All the work you do to make sure your family functions, the house functions, the business functions but you're beholden to your DH to give you permission to spend your 'allowance' - what allowance? God forbid if you got your hair done, your nails done, botox, a massage - if the tables were turned would you begrudge him spending some money on himself to make him feel worthwhile/human when he's done everything you do for the family?

Does he want you to feel unattractive - is that why he doesn't like it, you're supposed to look like a skivvy.

You say you have your own business, you do some work towards it, are both names on it - why don't you get a wage from it? You can't get 30 hours childcare because you're unemployed - is that accurate?

Take control of this before it goes any further - you're a human being not an unpaid skivvy x

Is he uneasy/jealous that yiu have inheritance and you have control of it?

Everytime somebody says they cannot work because all their salary would go in nursery fees I hit the roof because…

1. Men should also contribute to nursery fees, If you consider the amount to be paid under both salaries, it is not really that much, and…
2. Nothings screws up a woman’s future in a more permanent basis than a prolonged maternity leave. Difficult to recover from such gap careerwise, but most difficult to recover balance at home once you become the child and housechores expert… you can go back to work full time and still be expected to deal with home and kids as if you were unemployed.

Having Botox treatments and nails done regularly while unemployed is fucking taking the Mickey unless the husband is loaded.

When I read your post I couldn't believe how much you gave him for trainers😳 you were really generous. Cheeky DH!
My husband would never say that to me and nor me to him. That £1000 win was yours to do with as u wished. U were super generous to everyone . And he resented u treating yourself to a little something that you wanted. I would be fizzing 🧨💥

No, it’s not harder. Don’t be ridiculous. I do know that when I was on maternity leave (for 18 months) we were conscious of our spending because of our reduced income. During that time, if I was buying £150 trainers and having £500 cosmetic treatments my DH would have (rightly) thought I’d lost the plot.

For the millionth time, I do work for our business, READ MY UPDATES. I’m just not paid for it. Botox every 6 months is hardly regularly! I’ve stopped having my nails done except for special occasions but as previously mentioned, I dip into the inheritance I was kindly left for these things! Including my Botox, nails and hair every 4 months I think I must spent around £1000 a year on me (out of my inheritance which I used to buy DH a van for work AND our family car). I NEVER buy clothes, don’t drink, don’t smoke. Our kids have everything they need, they never go without. So don’t tell me that I’m “taking the fucking Mickey whilst unemployed”. You’re everything that’s wrong with women who are supposed to support women. Anyone would think I was taking from the family pot/kids savings/bill money to go and have my Botox ffs!

Luckily for us, DH earns a good wage and I don’t know where you got £500 from. The trainers were a treat for DH out of the winnings, not for myself!

But if he needed some/wanted some I’d happily hand it to him just like I did when I bought his work van!

You're working for the business FOR FREE as an office manager, and you invested in the business with personal money (to buy the vehicle), to ensure the business could function! Are you listed as a person with shares in this company, is the company sending you returns on your investment? Plus you're doing everything to keep the house running, looking after the kids.
I think you need a frank chat with your DH. You can return to work, but you'll have to share the load of the home and childcare, he can find himself an assistant and start paying you back for the van, or he can learn some effing respect for everything you do for him.

Separately, where are you finding tear trough fillers for under 1k?

Probably went a little overboard on your Cosmetic treatments. But that is your choice. It was you who won the money after all. Not him.

Your treated your children and him and didn't keep it all to yourself. Paid for taxi parking!

A lot of men don't consider looking after children and running a household with all it entails as proper work .It is not on the same level or as tiring or as valuable as any work that they do.

It just seems to magically happen.

Let him sulk.And get on with your holiday. If you win something again. Treat yourself and the kids. Don't give him a penny

👍🤞🍀

Well next time you win, you’ll know not to say anything and pop it back into your savings / treat yourself with the money.

YABU, you should split the money equally same as you handle all your other finances.

Op won money and unselfishly put 3/4 into the "family pot". I would not have mentioned it and spent it on myself. I dont discuss my finances with relatives - with one exception.

These replies are too much.
If she didn't spend any money on herself she'd be accused of letting herself go.

She deserves some spending money as a stay at home mother who also assists with the business. Maybe she prioritises skin treatments over other things like clothes.

The fact that she bought her husband his work vehicle shows she does contribute financially as well as being the primary carer to young children.

omfg some of these replies are insane!! Op, unless he is in some secret financial strife he’s not told you about then I totally agree he is totally overreacting! Being a SAHM and partner to a person who runs their own life is not exactly a life of sitting on your arse relaxing! If most people had to carry what you did they would damn we’ll need a dose of Botox help with the worry lines!

if he has a problem with you spending perhaps it’s time for you to enter the books officially on the business for your admin work. Tally up all the minutes here and there that you spend keeping him able to crack on and work.

And while you’re at it price up a cleaner and a meal prep service - then bill him accordingly.

Honestly, it sounds like you were actually very responsible with the money. You shared a big portion of it with the family, savings, the kids, and even treated your husband too before thinking about yourself. Wanting to spend some of your own winnings on something that boosts your confidence doesn’t seem unreasonable at all.

Also, being a stay-at-home mum absolutely is work, especially with a 3-year-old and a 10-month-old. Childcare, running the home, and supporting the family all have value, even if there isn’t a salary attached to it. I can understand him wanting a discussion first, but saying you “don’t contribute” was unfair and probably the real reason this hurt so much.

You know women don't just have to jump just because a man says so?

Their baby is 9 months old fgs, if a man resented me for not bringing in any money when I had such a small baby I'd have zero respect for him and resent him right back.

This man is showing a deeply toxic attitude and you're condoning it and acting like OP has done something wrong.

SAHM only works when both parties are on board. So OP, are you going back to work since you have been told in no uncertain terms that your non-financial contribution is not valued?

The mother going back to work also only works when both parties are on board.

If my partner won I wouldn’t expect him to share any of the winnings with me. Nor would I be entitled to any of it.

If he spent the £20 I gave him for his own personal use that is none of my business.

I think he’s actually angry about you not being in paid employment. A woman should always have her own money. See how he has thrown this all back in your face.

If the nursery fees will be an issue then you need to find a PT role, and he can reduce his days down too. You both have to compromise, not only you OP. Not all nurseries claim the full 30 hours, and with the regular household bills I can understand finances not lining up if you go back to work FT

Nah fuck that i couldn't live like that I'd tell him if he didn't pack it in trying to throw shit in my face he can go or I'd be gone, but then again I was in an abusive marriage years ago so now I know what I would and wouldn't put up with and I wouldn't give a shit about walking away now if my current partner acted like that he'd be gone no 2nd chances and we've been together 13 years in July and don't get me wrong I love him but there's no way I'm sacrificing myself or my happiness for a man ever again. Don't let a man try and diminish you and put you down or try and guilt you, like you said you're a grown ass woman nip this in the bud right now or be doomed to a life of being made to feel guilty over things that you shouldn't feel guilty over and diminished for the rest of your life. Life is too short to put up with shit like that.