Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

That wasn't the question though

@chochobnob1 is he ok with the gambling element, or even the cosmetic stuff?

Woah woah, inheritance? Now you're adding more to the story than what was said on your original post.

So you're saying someone died and you thought the best way to spend that money was faking your looks? So what you have 15 year old jeans, we all do. Most of my belongings are older than my 15 year old son.

Your original post held out a lot of details it seems so as to put your husband in a more negative light. But many of us could tell by your choices that you don't have all of your priorities straight.

Maybe the reason why your husband is mad is the same reason why we are questioning your choices, because they are questionable.

Sure, you sacrifice, we all do. But are you? Raising your children and taking time off of work isn't a sacrifice, it's a commitment. You say you are budgeting and making decent money yet you dip into the inheritance? Doesn't sound like something a woman with her head on straight would do.

Maybe your upset because it was your inheritance money you are frivolously gambling away with and so you can get your unnecessary body alterations. Possibly your husband sees that money being whittled away at while he's busting his ass to provide all of the things his family needs and wants? Maybe?

@chochobnob1

This.

Perhaps this is one of those arguments that needed to happen because it's actually about something wider.

You dipping into your inheritance to pay businesses expenses is daft. As is you not received any kind of wage.

Do you pay an accountant? If not it would be money well spent. You need to do these things properly and in the most tax efficient way.

Your financial set up at the moment is building resentment on both sides. Get it sorted out with proper advice and you'll both be in a better place.

He’s an asshole , if u win again don’t tell him. I’m sure he spends plenty on himself

I'm sure you haven't read the thread as OP has said he spends very little on himself.

you are receiving some terrible feedback. Here’s what I am and what I think…

we have two businesses. Our Accountant has structured our legal setups a certain way that suits our finances. Neither of us draw a set wage but I’m office support/book keeper much the same as you. I do all of the expenditure from the businesses including our personal stuff.

My DH has a small pot of cash he uses for birthday presents etc but basically I know how much that is.

firstly why in gawds name did you think it a good idea to use your personal money to fund the business vehicle ? is it shown as a director/shareholder loan in the annual returns? Do you have access to these documents and liaise with the Accountant at EiFY ?

secondly your OH doesn’t appear to value your partnership work behind the scenes. How long has that been going on for?

he also isn’t valuing your input as a parent and family co partner.

have you both sat down with your Accountant lately to discuss your business finances or does your OH deal to that?

How does he know how much you spend and on what?

How are you acknowledged in the books ? Is it a partnership or is Hubby a sole trader?

EoFY ^

I miss the days of Mumsnet when women supported women. Some of these replies are awful. Not sure whether it’s women-bashing men (and wish they would all sod off) or bitter aggressive women.

I very strongly agree with this, you were invested into equipment to set up the business and the business should be paying you back for that. The money used to buy the van should be treated as a loan.

The business should also be paying you national minimum wage for the hours that you’re spending on admin.

I’d go out on the limb and say that if you look at it from another perspective, your DH probably couldn’t run his business successfully without your contribution to setting up and your ongoing work.

If I were you, I would spend a couple of weeks keeping track of the hours that you work and then sit him down and explain to him why his comment about you not working was unacceptable. I’d also make sure that you have a written record of what you’ve contributed in case you ever need it in future and if possible you should make sure that if you have a limited company, your contribution is registered by a shareholding.

that is different though, because as a mother of a toddler and a baby she is working full time in the house but without a wage paid directly to her. He's being unreasonable, and for him to make that comment he is being an asshole.

If my husband won 1k I would expect him to treat himself in whichever way he chose. He would probably buy a nice shirt though rather than get cosmetic work but hey each to their own.

THIS!!!

The misogyny and down right nasty replies are disgusting.

This! You've been having expensive beauty treatments using his earnings and gambling with his earnings, going on nice holidays using his earnings. If I were your husband, I'd be cross too. You need to start working and earning your own money to pay for your gambling and beauty treatments. I wouldn't dream of using someone else's money for anything let alone gambling and beauty!!

But it would have been ok for him to have a pair of trainers for £150?

OP said she funds this herself, she also works for free for their business. Were you unable to read her posts for some reason?

Read the OPs posts, no point commenting incorrectly otherwise

What a dick! I am also partial to a little gamble OP and have my monthly casino money. We normally go in person so sometimes it’s been a few months and we’ll have like £60 each to spend. Last time I won £560 and DH didn’t expect me to share any of it. I did because I wanted to, and he also often splits his winnings with me.

You work in the home and you help with the business… you save him a lot of money. Bill him for all that. Also, for all those saying “you spend £240 of family money on gambling”… do you spend any family money on booze? Treats you don’t share with your kids? Or is it all for your family? It’s okay to have a life and do fun things, it’s not like she bet the house on black.

Which currency are you converting to that it works out at $80?

I think the key phrase is 'my husband & I run our own business'.

You absolutely do. Without you he wouldn't be where he is.

My husband & I have run our own business & had a family .We have always been invested in both together. You need to have a serious chat with him now & make your position clear. Good Luck.

Very thought provoking post...admittedly i havent trawled through any additional responses from you.

• On the one hand of course what you contribute is the equivalent of work.
• You have control over your own body and should do what makes you feel good
• It sounds like you shared the £ out quite fairly

A slightly different perspective however is that i feel like there's something(s) missing from your post:

• Its actually rare for men to complain about occasional modest beauty spends, most men couldnt care less lol
• So is he worried more generally about £, is he feeling the pressure of being the sole income generator?
• does he think you spend more than you do?
• is he right?? e.g. gambling can easily become a pernicious vice, and retail therapy can become a bottomless pit

I wonder whether some more in depth conversation is needed

Aww poor husband 'busting his ass' (we're really getting an insight into where the misogyny is coming from) whilst not paying OP for the work she does for the business so that she actually has her own funds. Poor, poor him.

I don’t care what they look like on the outside, but there are some real ugly spirited women on this thread.

sneering at a mother of two who dares to get her nails and brows done, and god forbid has Botox twice a year. How dare she want to feel comfortable with how she looks and have a little pamper every now and then.
it’s not excessive, it’s not overboard. For many women it could be considered low maintenance!
just because it’s something you don’t do, doesn’t make it wrong. she can spend her inheritance as she pleases, and from the sounds of if she’s very generous with it when it comes to her husband. Just as she was with her winnings.

it’s such a race to the bottom on here sometimes.

‘The £20 a month is actually mine, not his. I have a very small amount of savings that I draw £20 from each month and any time I win £100/£200 I put it straight back in. He knows this, has never had a problem with it’

this is fixed odds betting, no skill involved, yes? So, fixed against you, meaning that if you carry on long enough you will lose every penny you ‘won’. Do you know what the odds are on the game you play, can you calculate how long it is likely to be before the 1k goes back to the gambling site? You are in effect giving away your savings not a ‘win’.

why don’t you try a ‘flutter’ in a different way? What about an ISA Stocks and Shares on a platform like Trading 212? You can even try with a dummy account.