To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

I don't think he will care if confronted. Who are you to him?
As others are now beginning to mention, why did the groom do nothing to stop him and is your DD annoyed at the wrong person (the best man may have brought it to everyone's attention about them going to a strip club, but that perhaps sums up the man she has married and who she/you should be wary of).

You assume wrongly.

If you read the OP's post properly you'll see it's a reference to some random woman the groom picked up some time ago on a "lad's holiday"...

Nothing to do with you really. He made a fool out of himself abd I'm very certain the groom has had words since.

What did you think you would achieve by confronting him ?

Nothing will come of it. He clearly has no respect for women so a message from you will have no impact. I completely get it though, I would be furious too. Who the hell do these men think they are? Try and focus on something else though.

Sorry, my comment will be somewhat unrelated to the OP's awful plight.

When I was best man for my best mate, I tried a bit too hard to be funny, and it didn't really work. Thankfully, I wasn't such an idiot that I said anything offensive: just jokes that didn't really land.

I remember the bride's father's speech: short, dignified and with one joke - and even that was elegant: he said, with his wife next to him and speaking to the groom, "You haven't got the best wife in the world; I've got her..."

When I made my retirement speech (not the same as a wedding speech, of course, but still an occasion on which some people get it spectacularly wrong) I used the latter speech as an example: everything positive, lots of thanks and praise, one inoffensive joke at my expense.

The irony is that I was a stand-up comedian for ten years, But it just shows you that wedding speeches are a minefield and the fact we're all expected to be mini stand-up comedians these days just piles the pressure on.

Groom has hopefully given a kick in the balls. What an arse. You’ll only be labelled and become the scapegoat so def don’t. Your DD can keep this knob out of their home and her space.

You don't always know! Sometimes you expect your bridesmaid/groomsman to know the difference between telling a racy story on a hen/stag night, and talking about actual sexual positions in front of the bride's mother, and relatives from other countries who were quite shocked at the words they had to look up.

Obviously I don't know your family and SIL, OP, but a perfectly decent person can misjudge how their friend might be in a certain situation.

Why does no one ever stop them. Why must they be allowed to continue talking regardless of the awful things they are saying?

Fucking men.

The time to give him a peace of your mind was on the night - I’d have taken the mic off him and told him to sit back down. Sending a shitty message now is cowardly.

You will gain nothing by giving him a piece of your mind. But I also don’t see why you should exercise a level of restraint he was seemingly unable to. And it’s almost like, by saying nothing, he can tell everyone how wonderful it was. What you should do, and what I would do, are probably different. As others have mentioned, the time was probably switching his mic off mid speech and given him a dressing down on the spot. It’s a shame the start of your DD marriage is tainted by this. Her husband should really be the one addressing his so called friend.

I have a feeling that you telling him off will just make him feel proud. Nobody brings up the groom eating other womans cunt and getting a lapdance few weeks before the wedding (knowing that the bride is not ok with it) if they actually cared.

I hope your daughter is ok. She and her husband are going to have some tough conversation.

How did the groom react? this he and his mates think this was hilarious?

Are we all expected to be a stand up comedian at the wedding speech? Only place where I have heard this is when wanna-be funny best men think they do, but nobody has actually asked them to make a "funny" speech.

Because in addition to being unmitigated assholes, they have no social skills. No one thought to grab the mike or kick him.

Exactly, he'll be showing it to all his mates and having a great laugh about it!

He is obviously a guy who likes a funny story, so if I was your daughter I would be telling 'amusing' stories about him to all his future girlfriends.

Been to a lot of weddings seen a lot of shit things. After your first post I’d benefit of the doubt say he was a prized prick. If he bombed the C word out in the BM speech then that’s a pretty high bar in a mixed sex room. Thinking squady rugby/football team bants.

Second post I’d say he did it on purpose and either doesn’t like your daughter, fancies your daughter or is jealous of the groom. He’d definitely know she didn’t like the strippers.

On another note can just say that your DP has handled himself well. He could have easily lost his shit and the wedding would have been even worse. A man that can keep his hands by his side for his daughter is a real man.

If the BM is such a tool then you’re not going to get anything from him and he will be regaling tales of how hilarious it is that he got to you too.

Is it actually the speech that's the problem here, or is it the husband's behaviour?

That's my take away too, tbh.

It's both. Absolutely steeped in misogyny.

Ugh.

YANBU to be furious about it BUT YWBU to send a message.

It's an overstep, IMO.

Sitting down with son in law and making it clear how you feel and that you think he should be speaking to his friend about upsetting his wife at their wedding, sure.

Jumping him and going straight to the friend, no.

If everything he says about the groom is true then is your anger misplaced? Why are you not more angry at how your SIL is treating your DD?

Stay out of it. I say this as a divorced woman.

The best man didn't cheat on your daughter. He just told everyone.
Don't kill the messenger.

Save your anger for your daughter's shitty husband.

Did they go to Benidirm, by any chance.

I mean, if DD husband did go to the strip club, then I think he’s worse than the twat of a “best” man.

And what was the c** comment, did the groom actually do that?

Sounds like DD should get the marriage annulled…

He started his speech by making a strip club reference, something about ‘he thought we may not have made it given how he (husband) fell in love with Natalya at Goldfingers a few weeks ago’. DD wasn’t aware of this having happened, and wouldn’t have approved so that upset her a lot

So, your DD wasn’t aware that her DH frequents strip clubs/sex clubs. I’d say the best man has done her a favour then.