To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

Am I missing something? Surely the bigger issue here is that the groom cheated on his fiancée on the stag do??

Is it possible that the best man doesn't like your DD and is purposely trying to cause trouble between them?

That's not what the OP said. It appears the groom went to a strip club on his stag.

How old are those involved? They sound about 14!

It might be a relief to you, but would it help your daughter? It really sounds like it wouldn't. Leave this to her. She can come to you if she feels she needs support.

Your daughter is an adult, it is for her and her husband to deal with not you. Butt out

I hope the tension isn’t your new son in law defending him!! In your dds place the best man would be banned from my house. And my feelings would be focused on how the son in law reacted unless I ever actually saw the loser again.

@XelaMshe said someone walked in on the groom with his face in another woman’s unnecessaries. Is that not oral sex?

Exactly 💯.

OP don't fall into his trap. Someone like them will be delighted to know that you're angry, and that he can go whining to your daughter and her husband and demand an apology from them. People like that, just don't give him anything. Any reaction at all to them can and wip be used against you. He obviously has malevolent motives. Men like this, lose their bachelor friends to do filthy things with, as the other boys become men and wed. He's trying to sabotage their marriage and get his friends back.

Well i doubt this so called best man will get to go on another stag do as isnt it supposed to be what happens on stag stays on stag for these misogynists

Yes, very. She’s assured that it was a one off visit on the stag, but to find out so publicly was humiliating for her and the other comments were insult to injury

All that is baloney. Her DH obviously knew it was wrong as it seems he ‘forgot’ to tell her. If he believed it was fine to go to a strip club ‘because’ it was his bucks, he would have had no problems telling her what he was doing.

It’s also completely wrong to think it’s acceptable because it’s a stag do. It’s not compulsory, it’s just an ‘excuse’ for shit men to do shit things. My DH didn’t have strippers when we got married decades ago, and he hasn’t been to any stag do’s with them. The last few he went to were wine/cheese tasting tour, and paintball and restaurant. It’s not that hard to be decent🤷‍♀️.

Your daughter is an adult, she shouldn’t be needing her mum to step in on her behalf to tell another adult off for their behaviour!

YANBU to want to give him a piece of your mind, but actually doing it might not help your DD. It unfortunately does sound like she has a DH problem. Maybe she should be thanking the best man for bringing that to her attention. Might save her a world of trouble in the end?

If it will make you feel better to
put that awful best man in his place then do it. Tell him what a prat he is. And that he ought to be ashamed of himself. And when he gets married you hope his best man humiliates him too.

I cant believe that your daughter actually left the reception with the groom and continued rhe marriage. The groom should have stopped him, the groom should have chinned him from disrespecting his wife. But the groom is clearly a sleazy git.

I think this little anecdote was about an ex, not the stag do. In any event, I totally agree with the posters who said the best man is trying to cause problems between the groom and bride on purpose.

Our best man did a speech like this and it was perfect - moving and genuinely funny. I can’t ever imagine a scenario at the weddings I’ve been at where anyone would use the C word!

Please tell me this isn’t all recorded on the official wedding video!

Nothing you say can change anything. Your daughter will have to work through her problems with her new husband, because ultimately, as disgusting as the best man sounds, it's her husband who has apparently been rather trashy, chose this specimen for his best man, and went to a strip club. The best man is a foul creature and an idiot to boot, but the groom chose him and went to the strip club.

You should be there for your daughter. Unless she asks you to let loose on the best man, you absolutely should not.

Keep your dignity because a shameless jackass like the "best man" is not going to feel ashamed if you berate him. Your SIL made a catastrophic mistake in choosing the best man. Frankly, if he is not utterly horrified by the behaviour, I would be advising my DD to cut her losses. If he somehow thinks that what the best man did is acceptable he is showing your DD exactly what he is like. Honestly, you couldn't take him anywhere for fear of what he might say or do if he thinks this smutty speech was just fine. Certainly, I'd think twice about giving my children half his DNA

YANBU for thinking it was inappropriate and unacceptable, but there is nothing to be gained by messaging him now. It's over and done with and nothing can change that, just forget about it and move forward.

I’ve been to plenty of weddings with female speakers in fact I think the traditional FOTB, best man, groom line up is now really dated.

in this case the OP can’t say anything, its not her place.

I do think a decent MC would have been useful here, they could have shut this chap down.

My best man's speech was as vile as your DD's: I was on the cusp of walking out of my own wedding. He (best man) was incredibly apologetic the day after, stating that he let himself get drawn into the excitement. I made the best man take us out for a 1st anniversary dinner as a small token apology and he has spent the last 15 years grovelling every time I see him. He will continue to grovel for the rest of his life and you can be sure I'll be delivering a eulogy at his funeral 😄

Fuck it, message him. What have you got to lose? He’s not your family or friend. Make your feelings clear and tell him how upset DD is. Tell him how disgusted everyone was. He should feel embarrassed and it should be known everyone is horrified. Being drunk is no excuse. Bride and groom should be giving him a piece of their mind too.

In his hands by this point I assume