To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

This.

They probably never meet. It can all be done in writing. Anyway, so what if he can't respond appropriately? That would just confirm what an oaf he is. That's on him.

Sadly you can't wind back the clock.

You may feel better if you say something to him at some point - but he may laugh it off or laugh at you for being such a 'prude' (Which you aren't.)

Some of the blame might be apportioned to your new son in law for his poor choice of BM - but his speech may have been an embarrassing surprise to him too.

You might speak to him about it - choice of friends for such a task/sensitivity and that the BM will not be welcome at any future family events that you are hosting/involved with.

What I learnt from my cack-handed attempt is that trying to cram humour into a wedding speech is risky. Having said, when my mate returned the favour, his speech was brilliant and had our guests rolling in the aisles.**

(**The vicar wasn't too happy.)

Similar thing happened at my friend’s daughter’s wedding- my friend actually walked out during the speech. The upshot is the bride and her family will have nothing to do with best man, will attend nothing if he is to be there, but he never is, he has been ostracised and rightly so. The couple now have a little girl and I think now the groom totally understands it wasn’t “banter” but just offensive .

You will forever be the psycho mil that contacted the best man after the wedding- I’m so sorry op, what he said was awful but contacting him is the worst idea ever

I was once at a wedding where the farther of the bride got up and smacked the best man after making a rouge comment about his daughter… violence is never the answer but honestly if someone said something like that about my daughter I’d have done the same. I don’t think anything can be done now but I really feel for you and your poor daughter.

Is your DD upset about her DH’s behaviour?

Agree,he doesn't sound like marriage material, poor bride having to find out on her wedding day,her husband frequents strip clubs, what a catch..not!
I'd guess he probably has shagged one of these strippers.
That was outright cruel of the best man,he knew exactly what he was doing.
They'll be a divorce before long

Yes, very. She’s assured that it was a one off visit on the stag, but to find out so publicly was humiliating for her and the other comments were insult to injury.

For those saying grab the mic, easier said than done. After the face comment he immediately went into raising a toast so it was over at that point.

If you daughter is old enough to be married she is old enough say something if she wants too it was her wedding not yours

Your DD chose a winner, didn't she? I'm sorry OP.

I wouldn't say anything. That's for you DD to do if and when she is ready and wants to. How is the groom reacting to the speech?

Well your DD has a DH problem doesn’t she? If the groom stays friends with that dickhead at least she knows and can deal with it

Been thinking about your DD all afternoon. No wonder you’re upset OP. All the planning, effort, money and most importantly emotion, that she expended trying to make her day so lovely and this absolute crass cretin thinks he’s funny being a vulgar, offensive jack the lad. Joke’s on him there. Anyone who downplays or thinks it was amusing is also an oaf. Really do feel for your girl. Hoping she’s not gone for looks and laddish type. Bad enough his best mate is a silly wee boy and they view women as conquests. Really do wonder who the hell has joined your family. His mask must be really good for you to have gone along with the wedding, but what happened including the stag are massive red flags 🚩 .

OP, I’d make sure that DD knows that going to strip clubs is a dealbreaker in lots of couples and if she doesn’t want to be married to him she doesn’t have to.

🙄

Well she has to remain married for the next year or so in any case.

Why not let her and her husband deal with their relationship? The last thing she needs is her parents in her ear

Maybe best man one of these who hates losing a mate to marriage so trying to sabotage, or maybe (outside chance) he fancies the DD so again trying to throw DSIL under the bus, or maybe he’s just the epitome of the Porn Hub generation.

Whatever the reason, OP hoping your daughter can annul. The wedding maybe as good as it gets. Be far worse with kids and him acting like this.

Your son in law sounds a peach. To have placed his trust in that Best Man speaks volumes. Fact your daughter been so upset also telling. No man is worth her tears because if they were, they’d not upset her in first place.

Your daughters husband chose that best man. He chose to not give any direction / instruction etc, and chose not to intervene.
Based on your update he also chose to go to a strip club knowing your daughter would be upset by that.
The problem in your daughter's life isn't the shit speech at her wedding its the shit misogynistic creepy man she's now married to

I wonder if there's some misdirected anger going on here too? You're annoyed at the best man revealing that the groom is a lying low life but you should be most annoyed at the groom himself.

This sadly. Your poor DD, Op. I think all you can do is be there for her & offer her a safe haven to escape to.

By all means, message him if you want. There's no reason you have to be quiet. You may have put a lot of time, money, excitment and worry that it'd go off well, and you are allowed to speak your mind and not be silenced.

What has her husband said? What does he think?

Err you throw water on the fire while it's burning, not days later. The damage is done.
The only reason you would speak up now is if they are going to have another wedding and you were preventing him making another speech. Meddling now is a great way to start even more problems.

Only if the marriage is consumated