To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

I'm assuming the specific details pertains to your daughter's sex life, so he's clearly talking about it with his mates. the problem IS the best man but also the groom. your daughter needs to deal with the one who owes her privacy and respect

No, you don't involve yourself. Your daughter is a grown adult, and it's between her, her husband and the best man.

The groom should have stopped the speech at the time, because he must have known his new wife would be upset. Or he should have at the very least by now told his friend how upset his wife is and how awful the speech is.

If someone is asked to be a best man, then common sense and courtesy should tell you, that getting pissed isn't good behaviour or appropriate, especially when you're expected to do a speech!!

Not your place to intervene. Your daughter and her husband will handle it.

It's up to your daughter's new husband to say whatever needs to be said. He already should have. It's his (inappropriate) friend.

Good luck to your daughter. Sounds like she might need it. Be ready to support her in the future if needed.

"90% of the time" ???

Again, I have to question the people you mix with.

The only "embarrassing" things I ever hear in wedding speeches, are gentle references to - for example - the bride or groom always being late, or loving a lie in, or limited DIY skills, or a small incident when they first met the family.

I have NEVER been to a wedding like the one described in the opening post, and I have been to a lot of weddings.

To what end?

Sounds awful and no idea why no one stopped him at the time. But nothing to come from it now. Asking him for an apology won’t do any good will it, he’ll only be apologising because he’s been told to 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are judged by the company you keep. This whole incident is a poor reflection on the groom. He needs to sort it out.

Familiarise your daughter with the concept of a “sunk cost fallacy”. There is no need for her to stay married to this man.

I would. I would have pulled him up on the day, even stopping him in the moment.

Oh wow!

I totally understand why you would want to say something- but I think that someone bold enough to give a speech like that won't be bothered, unfortunately.

I think your role now is in empowering your daughter (and new son in law) - validating how your daughter feels and letting her know that you support her; focus on other topics of conversation surrounding their day, and keep the discussion and thoughts about the speech clear, brief, and to the point.

Your SiL's reaction to the events will give you an indication on how he feels and hopefully he will be able to comfort his wife in the way that he handles this.

It sounds more like a speech on the stag rather than at a wedding. It isn't the place for anyone to say anything at this point except the married couple. The husband should say, Mate, you were a bit OTT and my DW is quite upset - as is her family; and prompt him to make sincere amends.
The bride could also say, You weren't funny. You were rude and vulgar at my wedding in front of my family., and that may also elicit an apology.
It is going to be difficult for the bride to move on and it will become a wedge in the marriage unless something is said now.

What exactly would you have a word with him achieve ? I'm confused.

I feel for your daughter, I would've been so upset. However, what happens now is between her and her husband. As others have said, he should've stopped it at the time. It's too late to do that now but they have to somehow move forward.

I would be absolutely mortified! but I would try hard to rise above it and say nothing. With any luck he’s made such an idiot of himself that other members of the wedding party are suitably disgusted with him and have let him know what a massive prick he is.

He owes the bride and groom an apology - not that they'll get one, I imagine.

The groom should of stopped it at the time. No point now, just support your daughter when it all goes wrong as that’s the way it’s heading.

Yes he does but it shouldn't the OP that is asking him to apologise!

Maybe it’s a good thing more weddings are child free if they’ve become no better than a Chubby Brown stand up routine.

If my son’s best man did this I’d have taken the mic off him (I can be quite knee jerk at times).

I voted YABU to get involved. The only person who can pull this loser up is your SiL

I completely understand the impulse to want to do something. But it's probably better to go with Michelle Obama's 'When they go low, we go high'. Because I can just imagine him sniggering about what 'the mother' did to his mates and publicly loving getting an angry reaction out of you. (He would probably be feeling rather awkward underneath, mind you, but that wouldn't stop him turning you responding into a story for his mates.)

The only consolation is that everyone in that room will have judged him for his crassness. And nobody, but nobody would have felt anything but sympathy for your DD.

I share your utter revulsion at the behaviour of this lowlife, and no wonder you are upset and angry that he spoiled your daughter’s wedding day. Just awful. But I don’t think you should intervene. However valid your feelings, you are the mother of the bride, and it would be inappropriate and overstepping. Your DD needs to work this out with her DH and HE needs to address his friend’s offensive behaviour. If he doesn’t, then it’s for your DD to decide how she wants to handle it. I’m seething for you - but focus on being there for your DD as an approachable sounding board, because she may need that more than she needs you to have a go at this idiot.

There's no need to bring exes up or what happened on a lads holiday - is he jealous by any chance?

I get that you’re annoyed and want to vent out your frustrations and tell him how you feel but…don’t, just don’t. He really, really won’t care what you think. You’re nothing to him. You’re his mates wife’s mum. It’s pointless and a bit cringe.

You have every right to be angry at him, however, what is telling him 2 weeks later going to achieve? It is very unlikely you and many of the others will ever see him again and if your DD and her DH see him frequently then they need to address the issue not you.

Far too late, the time to do anything was to stop him during the speech.

All you are going to do now is give him more "joke" material about a stereotypical overbearing MIL.

If your daughter is old enough to be married, she's old enough to deal with issues like that with her own husband. Not your place to get involved.

If it makes you feel better to have at least defended your daughter, do it. I agree it may not change his behaviour, it’s too late but at least you would be telling him what you felt.I think it might be the sort of thing that years later you berate yourself for not saying anything at the time.