14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

I allowed mine to date in year 10 as long as it didn’t effect their studies and it wasn’t intense.

She's going to do it anyway

Do you really think you can stop this from happening? Relationships are normal at this age. Of course you can put some boundaries in place but I think barring her from having an age-appropriate relationship is unrealistic.

The more you try to put your foot down the more she will kickback. The choice is yours.

I feel if she were older I would be open to it - invite the boy around to meet us etc. If I do that now it would feel like I was condoning it - and I just think she’s too young.

It’s parents like you that end up with teenagers who do things behind closed doors.
She has come to you and trusted you. That won’t last long.
Are you super religious or something?

Invite the boy round, get to know him. Have them go to the cinema or bowling or somewhere they can have fun together but in a public place safely, and where you can pick her up and ask her how it went.

I think you’re being too strict. You can set boundaries around what you will and won’t allow at home and what time she comes in, but you’ll only push them closer together by forbidding what appears on the face of it to be a perfectly normal relationship for her age.
14 nearly 15 is not too young for a first kiss.

But too young for what? A bit of kissing and holding hands, going to the cinema or to McDonalds together?

So unreasonable OP, you are doing a great job of making sure they hide things from you as much as possible. Her behaviour is 100% normal and age appropriate, you are being controlling and unfair

This is weirdly controlling and involved in a teenagers life. Yes they should feel comfortable telling you things… but why all the ‘rules’?! It’s part of normal teenager exploration. Some do, some don’t, but it’s very normal and probably best that parents aren’t involved in every intricate detail. You asked her about the kiss? I can’t imagine anyone asking me details about a kiss, at any age. Unless she was upset about it this feels intrusive and unnecessary.

I think you have to accept it and parent rather than set unrealistic rules that will potentially damage your relationship. Go with the flow.

I understand your concerns but at 14 if you start trying to exert this much control you will end up alienating her. She might just go behind your back anyway. Much better for her to take the lead with her own emotions and relationships and you be there to talk when she needs you. Let her make mistakes and just keep channels of communication open.

I guess you can stop them hanging out together outside wind school by grounding but there is no way to stop them being in a relationship if thats how they feel and what they choose. Crazy to think you can. There will just be lots of lies and deceit I imagine. What is your actual issue here?

Is she aware of contraception options and of how pregnancy happens?

I not only think you are wrong, I think it is actively harmful to make some feelings 'not allowed'. You cannot dicate when someone first develops romantic feelings for someone and she should feel free to express and explore that. She might otherwise rebel and see him in secret, or even develop a kind of toxic shame around her feelings. 14 is not unusual to have a first crush or even first love.

Honestly you need to relax. Your 14 year old sounds perfectly mature and is absolutely right that she can’t just turn her feelings off.
You actually don’t get to dictate like this unless you want to completely destroy your relationship with her.
Fine to have rules such as not going out until homework is done but don’t turn this into such a big deal. Let it play out whilst having the conversations about consent and contraception and then leave them to it. Get to know him and as long as he is treating her well and they are having fun just be happy for her.

You need to chill out. I had my first boyfriend at about 11. All my friends did. We are now happy successful adults and fondly remember those days. Whereas being the weirdo who wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend probably would have caused quite a lot of resentment towards my parents.

If you keep going like this, next time she won’t tell you. Even worse, she won’t be able to come to you if she’s uncomfortable, or she has questions , or she messed up somehow and needs help/support.

How is your 14 year old in year 10?

They’re not toddlers under your control anymore OP, you don’t get to set rules in their personal lives now.

You can say you don’t want him coming to your house if that’s what you want, but beyond that it is out of your control.

If you value your relationship with your daughters and want it to continue into adulthood you need to massively adjust your parenting style now. You’re not the dictator, you’re just a guide.

Dating in Y10 is fine.

Its part of the growing up process.

Kids fall in love as a teenager and think they're going to be together forever, not realising how much they change over the next decade!

The brain doesn't even fully mature until age 25!

But let her have some sensible fun for now.

You can think what you like, but it’s not really up to you.

Thanks for the responses. To answer some questions - no not religious, have always just been clear about home rules and expectations. They are great kids and we have an open and honest relationship, which is why I think she came to me in the first place - she was excited to share her news. I asked about it because she wanted to talk about it. All sounds very sweet. I didn’t really date until I was older so these are new waters.

If she’s in the uk then she is. My daughter’s year 10, 14 her birthdays not until August.

You are being far too strict and controlling. It's perfectly normal for year 10s to have boyfriend/girlfriends.