14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

What a shame you responded like that. Dating when you're young can be exciting and innocent. Hand holding, kissing and sweet dates. Not the same pressures as when she's older. I would of asked him to tea, if you've met him and he's welcome at your home they could hang out once or twice a week, a new friend that she has feelings for. So long as you've talked about sex and waiting until you're ready, consent etc. She's going to resent you if stick with banning her.

Yep. Giving her something to rebel against would be a mistake.

Inviting him round is just as over-the-top as banning the relationship. I don’t think my parents met any of the boys/men I dated before I met my husband! She’s kissed him once, you need to back-off.

No need for another big discussion - just say that you’re sorry for initially overreacting, you realise that it’s not really important for you to interfere in what is a normal part of growing up. You’d like her to keep it light and definitely expect her to not drop hobbies/friends/schoolwork for a boy but that you recognise that she hasn’t given any indication of that. Done.

I'd consider not being so strict on this if you want her to remain to be open and honest with you. Whilst yes school is important, dating doesn't mean she'll do badly in school.

But everyone needs downtime and relaxation. She can’t be nose in a book all the time. You’re better off encouraging expectations about time spent on homework but she can’t then within reason choose to do whatever in the rest of the time.

Youve asked her to tell you things, she has and then been "punished". Shes going to stop telling you things.

Honestly I would tell her X time needed for study/clubs/revision/family etc but with her free time id let her see who she liked.

Id trust that the values Id taught for education and self respect and prioritising a balanced fulfilled life would guide her to be sensible and keep talking so the relationship doesn't progress at a speed shes not ready for. And she can feel safe confiding in you.

I had my first proper boyfriend at 14, totally normal and just part of growing up. You’re being ridiculous

Then you put limits in place eg

he can come over for his tea one night in the week ( a night when she has light homework) but goes home by 8.30

they can meet up on Saturday after noon OR go to a cinema / bowling on Sat evening. Home by 9.30

they can meet up on Sunday pm , back home by 6.00.

obviously you tweak to suit your circumstances.

What makes you think you have the right to control her to this extent?

Why would having a boyfriend “derail her in her studies”? You might as well say you don’t want her to have friends or hobbies because those might derail her in her studies.

Adolescence is about becoming more and more of a proto-adult, and holding her back from (age-appropriate) dating like she’s still a little girl is silly. There’s also the possibility that she’ll feel stunted and awkward if she’s, say, eighteen years old and has only just been “allowed” to do what her friends have been doing for years already. Would you rather have her go through the ups and downs of a first boyfriend while she’s at home with family support, or when she’s, say, taking exams in university?

I think you are right to have house rules about dating. I know many women who had children at 16/17, myself included, and I think we would all agree that there is/was no benefit to teenage dating. We were all left hanging out to dry by the teens we had feeling for, we all lost the opportunity to attend University through normal timelines which meant it was a very different experience to what most kids get, there's no gap year, early career development or fun, wild, drunken nights with friends. It was all nappies and sleepless nights while our friends had a blast. She will have many years to learn to date, safely and with the wisdom required to navigate relationships in her 20s. It will not hinder her at all. Follow your gut instinct as a mother.

You are going to have to think about why you think having a boyfriend will derail her studies more than them just being friends. Do you think she’ll spend more time with him than she would a friend? Or some notion that being in love stops you being able to concentrate?!

Id go with telling her you trust her, and she can have a boyfriend but limits on screen time and social time stay the same.

(my year 11’s year 10 girlfriend will be popping over in a few minutes and I’m driving them both to the climbing gym for a couple of hours. He has an exam tomorrow morning but has been studying all weekend again and needs to burn off some energy, but also wanted to see her, going climbing together seems a good compromise and this is no more distracting that going with a friend.)

I think you're approaching this wrong. As kids get older it becomes less about ‘rules’ and more about open communication and setting expectations. Your daughter has been open and honest with you and shared how she feels. Rather than impose rules on the situation, I would work with her to facilitate her dating someone she likes but make it clear that this isn't to be at the expense of her school work. Ask her what she thinks she would do as a parent who is concerned about a relationship impacting her studies. Ask her what she thinks is reasonable. You may be pleasantly surprised by the rules she’s willing to impose on herself to make this happen. And if she doesn't, negotiate.

She needs to feel like she has some autonomy here and you need to give her some if you want her to keep being open with you. I hate to tell you, but even the most angelic teenagers will find ways to assert their independence and if it’s not given freely, they will take it by deceit.

You asking the question is a big point in your favour, you are trying.

It makes your point slightly less worst, because I agree with all the above, you are beyond BU

You have the chance of a teen who is opened with you, who seems like a great kid and you are pushing her away. You cannot ban her from having a social life and a boyfriend.

Putting rules to make sure her studies do not suffer, and enough time is spent and her grades don't suffer: absolutely.
Banning her to have her first kiss and more at 14? That's just wrong, and she will do it anyway.

She's going to have a relationship with this boy, she's made her feelings clear, the choice is do you want her to have a relationship in secret or in the open. There's no way she will come to you if she's having problems with him if she wasn't supposed to be dating him in the first place. Xx I know its not ideal but the best you can do is let her have this but retain some parental guidance of the relationship. Xx

My son and his girlfriend have been dating since they were 12 and are now 18, they aren’t having sex either, I think things have changed a lot with the generation who grew up during Covid. There also seems to be a move towards Asian (Korean/japanese) attitudes towards sex and relationships rather than us in the 90s/00s who were more sexually active at the same age.

Ah well best say yes to everything then 😄

This was me. I wasn't allowed boyfriends at school and I didn't really learn how to relate to boys in that way and develop boundaries. If your parents do it all for you you can't do it yourself. You learn that you don't get a say. I was lucky that my first boyfriend at college was actually a nice lad and never tried to get me to do anything I didn't want to do whether it was sexually or things like missing college, not revising etc. And my parents still kept very strict boundaries about how often I saw him, doing homework etc. It fizzled out when I went to uni. But I was still very naive and once my parents weren't there to keep an eye on me things started to go very wrong with my next boyfriend and although I'm OK now, the fallout of that relationship has had a profound effect on my life. My DS is in his teens and I'm gradually loosening the leash as he gets older because I want him to hit adulthood able to handle things.

You can’t disallow a 14 YO to have a boyfriend unless you plan on locking her away like Rapunzel.

It is not unreasonable or unusual for a 14 YO to be wanting to explore romantic relationships and by you “disallowing” this you’re just pushing your child away.

You’re kidding yourself if you think they feel comfortable to speak to you about certain things.

I think the thing is when kids have these feelings they are real and intense and can’t be switched off. I didn’t have any boyfriends at school as I just wasn’t bothered at all at that age, but my sister did. We just experience things differently and you can’t control what your kids feel and when they feel it. My DD is 12 and has a ‘boyfriend’ which basically involves texting good morning and goodnight and seeing each other at school. She is just so happy! And I’m enjoying it too as it’s a good way of having conversations about the kind of qualities that are good ones to have in a boyfriend (and friends too) and what is not ok behaviour and how to respond to it. I’m glad to be able to have the chance to be part of her life in this now and hope to lay some groundwork so she is better equipped as she grows older. I understand your fears but I don’t think you can quash things like this. What is forbidden will become all the more attractive and resentment will grow which could lead to not so healthy choices. It’s really hard to navigate so I am with you and get where you are coming from x

My parents’ attitudes to my relationships at that age were very much “oh really?”
no comment. My first boyfriend and I were too nervous around each other to even speak at school! (13/14!)

IMO you’d be better off making it as boring as possible for them while NOT forbidding their relationship which will just encourage it and make her unhappy for no reason - itself a detriment to her studies and wellbeing. Say they’re welcome to socialise in your house, in common areas only, to message (knowing you have phone access of course). Ask about him regularly and invite him to stuff.

Use it as an opportunity to model how you’d like her to involve a partner in her/your lives, set expectations for how he should treat her, how quickly things should progress etc. it means when she moves out and you aren’t around, she won’t be experiencing ‘young love’ for the first time alone and with no boundaries.

Depends on the boy to an extent.
And how much she has learnt to value herself.
Some at fourteen will not want to stop at a kiss. Girls and boys.
A friendship is one thing. A sexual relationship another.

You sound like a caring parent who has her daughters best interests at heart.
i understand your concerns about a 14 yr old having a relationship at a time of immaturity and of academic focus.
On the other hand,i know that parents do not have the power to prevent a relationship in the modern world ,so with or without your blessing this relationship is probably going to develop and happen.
So, dont come down heavy with your thoughts and feelings on this,there is nothing so sure as to make this more attractive to a teen than parental disapproval.
You have done the Health education about relationships,emotions,feelings,intimacy and sexual contact.
Sleepovers,absolutely not. Cinema dates fine.
Encourage studies,hobbies,friends alonside dating within perameters.

just reiterated that at 14 boyfriends aren’t really a thing

According to you maybe. Not according to most 14 year olds, whether you sanction it or not. Sounds like she has moved into that territory. Stable/door/horse.