14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

If its any consolation OP, I had a boyfriend at 14 and I was sexually active.

I still passed all my O levels, A levels and have 2 excellent degrees from good universities. It was parental support with my studies that helped me achieve. Not strict attitudes about dating.

You can offer advice/guidance but ultimately your daughter will do what she wants and I think you should step back and accept that.

Teenage dating isn’t the same thing as teenage parenthood or even teenage sex. Of course there are benefits to teenage dating. I’m a benefit of teenage dating - my parents met and dated in high school, broke up for a while afterward, then got back together later. I also got married to one of my high school boyfriends - not the one I mentioned earlier in the thread, a different one - after we’d finished our educations. We got married at 26 and 27, respectively, and had our first child at 28 and 29. I turned 40 a few days ago.

Even if the relationships don’t last, there are benefits to teenage dating. You learn how to navigate romantic relationships in what is, hopefully, a low-stakes environment with some adult supervision.

14 is a great age to start dating. Gets them “used to” boys before the inevitable sexual pressure/want when they are a bit older. Absolutely fantastic that she can talk to you about it but I feel if you forbid a boyfriend she will do it behind your back and your lines of communication will diminish. Don’t invite him round yet. Let them carry on as friends who have had a kiss. Maybe arrange a day out for a fun activity so you can see them interact, see what he is like as a person without the pressure of him being stood in your kitchen. Poor boy would be terrified.
Good luck. I am the grandparent watching all this go on at the mo. Our SGD is 14, been seeing her bf for a year. Still does well at school, maintains lots of friendships. And our DIL is navigating it all perfectly. Lots of days out with them but also letting them go to the cinema on their own. Please don’t worry too much

She's come to you with excitement and a lot of trust to tell you her news. The result for her has been an imposition of rules and essentially you've told her she can't see him as she'd like. You've shut down communication here as in her mind, she will very much be wishing she hadn't told you in the first place. Be very careful as you very much want to keep communication channels open, and from 14-16 the challenges as a parent are only going to get harder. And, even though you may impose rules as others have said, she may well end up going behind your back, telling you lies where she is (which you absolutely do not want) and creating problems in your relationship. Adjust your rules re curfews etc so she can see him whilst also of course making sure she has plenty of time for studies, friends and hobbies.

My son’s girlfriend at 14 was all very innocent, seeing each other at the extra curricular club they both do, speaking on the phone, going to a coffee shop or for a burger. He told me about her but definitely didn’t need to ask my permission and it has never affected his school work. It’s a very normal age to start exploring these things

You can have all the rules you want but teenagers break rules.

I couldn’t care less if my teenagers have boyfriends or girlfriends. As long as their school work gets done.

You are being too much. You dont need to be meeting him or talking to her more about it. Just let her be a teenager and be happy you have a close relationship.

Me and my DH started dating at 12! It was all very innocent, holding hands and sharing sweets. Still together and in our mid 30s.

We are not the norm but it’s possible. P.s I did very well throughout GCSE, A-level, degree and masters. I’m a lawyer now so it did me no harm!

Thanks everyone. DD home now, we’ve had a lovely chat and we are both feeling so much better. She is chatting away and excited about our day. Thank you to those who offered their experiences and input respectfully- it really helped.

Totally agree with this ^

As long as she continues to concentrate on her studies, what is the harm in her doing normal teenage things? This is exactly the age where they want to explore relationships and its no different from them having friends.

If you want to keep the lines of communication open, then you need to let go of the reigns around this and allow them to date, otherwise all you are doing is setting them up to hide things from you, or lie.

14 is not too young to be starting to explore this kind of thing and to want a boyfriend.

I'm confused. You've told her "we don't allow dating" but are saying you're not forbidding it? How is that not forbidding it? You've also said "at 14 boyfriends aren't a thing" after she's told you she has a boyfriend. That's completely invalidating her feelings. She is dating, she does have a boyfriend, and you're infantilising her, refusing to accept that she's engaging in totally normal teenage behaviour, and on top of that telling her that what she feels isn't correct. The next talk, if I was you, would be an apology and an admission that you're struggling with the idea of your kids growing up, you'll work on it and it's not her responsibility to stay young to pacify you.

OP I do understand your preference's for her here, they do make sense but the reality is you cannot stop her and it is probably better to have her do what she is going to do with your knowledge and support than for her to have to start sneaking about and feeling like she can't talk to you about it all.

Sex shouldn't be condoned when a girl is 14.

I haven’t “forbidden” anything - just reiterated that at 14 boyfriends aren’t really a thing.
Boyfriends at 14 definitely are "a thing" do you live under a rock?

Think first thing I will do is ask her to invite him over so we can meet him.
Will talk to her some more when she returns.
You are making into a far bigger deal than it has to be. Just chill out and stop being so formal. You are being way over the top.

Of course but nor should naivety that at 14 it would not happen. Which reading some of the threads I am a bit surprised at.
Some might just hold hands etc. Some will not just want to hold hands.
Daughter needs to be aware.

I went to an independent school and by Y8 there were lots of "couples". The entire year group got 9 A*-B grade GCSEs, no-one got pregnant (although at least by GCSE year a lot were definitely having sex) and after 6th form there was only 2 students who didn't go on to University (one because she had a drug problem and another because she wanted to train as a beauty therapist.) About 20% of the year went to med school and 8 out of 76 went to Oxbridge.

This. I think my first date was at age 16. I can still remember the shame of my mother insisting that he come into the house when collecting me (his mum picked us up), and she shook his hand so formally. I was hiding upstairs, cringing. I never again told her anything about any dates.

If your child is going to have sex, you can't stop them. You can help them prevent pregnancy if you want to.

What a shame she came to you to tell her about her first kiss and you responded by telling her she's not allowed a boyfriend. My now husband and I have been together since we were 14/15. We were both good kids, hung out with each other's families, and studied together, both got very high results. He tutored me for one of my exams because he was in a higher set. I wonder why you have such negative associations with dating? It was a really positive thing for me.

When I was at school my friend’s mum was like this. By 17 my friend had had an abortion. Her mum’s overly strict rules didn’t pan out how the mum thought they would. I remember thinking, so much for all that strictness.

I don't think you should try to control what label she puts on the relationship (ie 'friend' v 'boyfriend').
What can be reasonable as her parent, however, is to put some boundaries on how much time she can spend with this boy, eg to make sure it doesn't affect homework, and also if you want to put boundaries on how they can spend time together eg whether you allow him in her bedroom with door open etc.
But yeah, I don't think it's fair to say she can't 'date'. Hard as it may feel to see your kid grow up 😌

I do think it’s interesting that soo many posters equate home rules with being controlling. I am also surprised at how many insulting accusation have been hurled at me. Thank you to the posters who have shared their experiences good and bad - I do take lots of value from them. My daughter and I will forge a path that feels right. I think if I had wanted to be “controlling” I wouldn’t have asked for others opinions. What a shame we can’t share thoughts and feelings without being insulting.

I’ll go against the grain and say it feels young to me. Children won’t just do whatever they do, they’re still children at 14 and under the care of a parent. Depends on your daughter’s personality but I lean towards boyfriends etc being unnecessary at a young age.

My mother said I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. I just did it behind her back. Then she moved the goal posts at 16 and said I couldn't date until I was 18. At that stage I was pretty expert at hiding things. My father actually knew - he said he'd rather be in the know about where I was and who I was with - and even dropped a boyfriend home from the cinema once or twice.

I kept most things from my mother well into adulthood because she didn't feel like a safe person to tell things to.

Nobody is saying that you can't or shouldn't have home rules. But you've been completely contradictory in what your rules are so its a but hard to follow. Not allowing something and forbidding are actually the same thing...