14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

If you forbid something, it becomes more attractive. If you ban boyfriends, she will go behind your back. No matter what you say to her or what your rules are, if she wants to take a relationship further than is ideal, you are risking pregnancy if she is scared to have contraceptives around the house. But that’s jumping ahead. I had boyfriends at 14 but didn’t have full on sex til much later. 14 really isn’t too young for a boyfriend, it will happen anyway, you need to keep the lines of communication open.

My dd is yr10 and 15yr old but lots of her friends are still 14.

Sorry but the idea of forbidding your teen girls from having relationships is mind boggling. It’s all anyone talked about from 14 onwards when I was a girl, and this was years ago. I did just fine academically, uni, masters degree etc.. I think being made to feel like a strange outside who isn't allowed to do this, when all her friends will be, is far more likely to have a negative impact on her studies, if that’s your concern.

Of course she’ll stop telling you things, in her shoes I would as you’ll just say no. I notice it isn’t just your 14 year old you don’t think should be having relationships but your 16 year old too! This isn’t the 1950’s. Although in the 1950’s teens still went on dates and kissed.

What a tough situation for you.
Unfortunately your daughter is going to see you as giving mixed messages.
Firstly as the mother who encouraged friendships with boys and a tell all kind of friendship.
Then as a disciplinarian and betrayer.
She now sees you as trying to control something special to her and she is going to wish she never confided in you.
Maybe she will even assume that two can play that game ! And refuse to ever trust you again with her confidences.
You see it might have been better to take into account her youthful feelings and help her to develop ways in which she can safely see her new amour.
What was the point in her telling you?
Possibly she will assume that her body is her own and not yours to control.
I guess you jumped too fast from a kiss to a full-on tryst.
Perhaps even imagining a teen pregnancy.
I think you have shot yourself in the foot really. Because she wont return to that same trusting soul she was.
I doubt she will end things with the boy immediately.
So maybe you can explain to her how boys hormones drive them to "experiment" with different girls ( without committment) . And how quickly a girl can get pregnant from sexual contact.
Are you secretly worried that she had already had sex with the lad?
Maybe your anxieties run deeper than you have mentioned?

You can’t fight teenage hormones. Far better to manage sensibly and show her you will meet in the middle.

What would you find tolerable?

no more than 2 after school early evening net ups during the week?
Curfew of 10pm at weekends?
bedroom door stays open if he comes over?

think about what you can offer to keep your relationship with DD strong.

The girl is 14. There is absolutely nothing wrong in a 14 year old girl liking a boy and wanting to date him. Cinema, Nando’s, bowling etc. 14 year old dating does not equate to being sexually active.

@bananaramabooyou are right to teach your DD’s about healthy friendships with boys. But you are naive to expect that this will not involve romantic feelings. By being so restrictive, you are missing a golden opportunity to have open discussions with your DD’s about what healthy, respectful relationships look like between them and their boyfriends.

Absolutely have rules in place around contact during the school week, no impact of school work etc. But to insist on no boyfriends until after GCSEs is at best naive but at worst, is setting your DDs up for trouble because they will feel that you have no trust in them and will resent you for it.

Just because she wants to start dating, which is completely normal at 14, doesn’t mean she’s immediately going to start having sex. My daughter is 17. Most of her friends had had some kind of boyfriend (or girlfriend… that happens too by the way) by age 14. Three years on most of them are still not having sex. A few are. Just don’t push her away with your own rigid behaviour expectations.

At 14, dating is pretty much the same as their normal friendship but with a bit of snogging thrown in the mix (for most teens anyway). Of course some teens will be sensually active at that age... but honestly they'll be the ones doing it whether there are rules or not.

You can still have rules around curfew etc. And i would actively encourage a 14yr old to maintain their extra curriculars and other social friend groups (i.e. don't drop the friends for a boy / girl). I would also encourage them to take their time and not rush into anything they don't feel comfortable with... whilst letting them know you / older sibling will always be there to listen.

What i absolutely would not do is forbid dating at a perfectly normal age and exoect her not to keep secrets from you.

Thanks everyone. I have found this helpful. Some good ideas here about keeping lines of communication open. Yes - both of my girls and I have talked about consent, how sex happens, pressure etc and they often ask me about these things so I am proud of our relationship. I haven’t “forbidden” anything - just reiterated that at 14 boyfriends aren’t really a thing. Could she carry on as friends with this boy? She’s out right now with her dad so when she comes back we will have another chat. Think first thing I will do is ask her to invite him over so we can meet him. As for the accusations that I am being controlling - I have already admitted to her that I can’t force her to do anything and that these are my thoughts on things. It isn’t always black or white, good parent or bad parent controlling vs doesn’t care, these things are nuanced.

What does she mean by “date” because if it involves sex then the answer should be no. It’s okay to say no to teenagers and to teach them about waiting to do some things. They don’t have to always act on their hormones.

In answer to what am I afraid of… it is less about her becoming sexually active and more about her getting derailed in her studies. She’s a brilliant girl and I want to encourage her to do well at school and her studies at this point. Relationships will always be there when her and the boy in question will be mature enough to enjoy it.

I haven’t “forbidden” anything - just reiterated that at 14 boyfriends aren’t really a thing
But you specifically said that the rules haven't changed and you don't allow dating... that equals forbidden. At 14, boyfriends absolutely are a thing 💯

Think first thing I will do is ask her to invite him over so we can meet him.
What's the rush... she's had ONE kids and you are making a massive deal. Let her have the excitement of a first crush... it may well be over by Wednesday!

But coupling up and pairing off absolutely is a thing at 14.

I have dds the same ages as yours and both have had little mini relationships with boys. Where they have met up as apart of a larger group of friends but also as a 2 and gone for walks/food and to each other's houses as a pair. Each time it has fizzled out but we have been welcoming and supportive each time but not overly so (so no pressure to stay coupled up) and the girls have kept talking to me throughout. We have always set boundaries on things like keeping up activities/sports and not staying out late etc.

But it seems SO weird to think you can control how your daughters relate to and interact with other people. That you have a say in their first experiences of fancying another person and wanting to pair off a bit. You say they are not old enough but what age is ok with you? It seems arbitrary to me. And actually I want my dc to have these little practice runs in early teens and not emerge naive and inexperienced at 18 or something. Mine have learned a lot by going through the process, including being dumped!

If you have a good relationship, keep maintaining that as your goal. Banning things now could ruin everything.

To be fair your original post did say … we don’t allow dating… I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them.
You seem to be taking a different stance now.

Ex secondary teacher

at 14 boyfriends are very much a thing. The whole bloody year group is constantly either getting together with someone, having dramatic arguments or breaking up with them.

it’s their whole social life at this age.

it’s like trying to forbid a toddler from having tantrums.

they’ll have boyfriends no matter what you say they just won’t tell you.

Of course 14 isn’t too young to have a boyfriend. Your daughter will still see the boy but she will just do it behind your back, learn to lie to you, and you will completely alienate her. Your attitude is the surest way of detailing her from her studies.

I think you’re totally wrong that relationships at 14 aren’t a thing. They weren’t for me, but they were for plenty of others

stopping her exploring this relationship will hugely backfire

fine to have the conversation that at this age she shouldn’t get too heavily involved and she needs to prioritise schoolwork. Obviously I wouldn’t be allowing any staying over or anything but I’d welcome the boy to my home within reason

I’m sorry but you are coming across as very naive, most likely because you weren’t dating at that age.

Lot’s to think about. My absolute goal is not to alienate her or her feelings. And as some posters say this doesn’t have to be a “big thing”. She has indeed had crushes before that have fizzled out with no involvement from me - has always been upfront about it. Will talk to her some more when she returns.

I think your rule is totally reasonable op.

Yes, she might "date" him anyway, but she will have a sense of a boundary still which comes from what you have told her. Dating at that age often turns out to be very emotionally fraught and is a real distraction from school or other things.

Fwiw I have two girls who were teens with the same rules. Both think, looking back, that it was a good rule. The eldest is about to get married to the boy she started dating when she was 16.

Can you not just let her enjoy the moments after her first kiss... she really doesn't need another grilling again today from you

Yes sorry, I had a moment of madness because my ds is one of the oldest in the year so I think of y10 as 15 year olds. I should have known better as I am an August birthday so was a 14 year old y10!

I think you need to back off a bit and let her make her own choices. If she was 14 and year 9 I’d have different opinion, but if she’s year 10 then she’ll be turning 15 soon which I don’t think is too young so long as it’s not too intense and school work is still prioritized. It probably wont last anyway, forbidding it will only make it all the more alluring.

Kindly, you sound a bit mad.

Once GCSEs are done there are A Levels, then there is Uni, possibly with post grad studying and professional training and exams to follow....

There is not good time to be derailed and imo it is better for them to have these fledgling relationships now when their peers are and when you have a lot of input to helping them stay balanced and keep things in perspective. Some of the maturity you hope for actually comes from these life experiences and those who don't go through them with their peers are at a disadvantage.