14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

14 is too young to date in my opinion.

I allowed by 14 year old to date and allowed his girlfriend to stay over as did his girlfriends parents. Id much rather know where they are and what they're doing rather than them sneaking about because I didn't allow it.

This! I am cringing at the OPs totally over the top involvement in normal teen life. Kids grow up, dating is part of that. My dc 13 has a girlfriend- they just text and hang out at school.

.agreed a crazy over reaction. Ii would be having the conversation about contraception at this point if you haven't already

You're being weirdly controlling. You aren't reasonably able to dictate why feelings one person has for another.

She trusted you to tell you what was happening and now you have said ‘no’ to dating! Do you really think she won’t just do this behind your back? at school? but you have just lost her trust, so you will never know.

All you had to do is put boundaries in place around seeing this boy. This is perfectly normal, just help her to have safe relationships. I am sorry you are very unreasonable and completely over the top!!

When I was a teen, girls regularly had boyfriends. They wouldn’t always last past the kissing stage. I didn’t date until after secondary school and I was seen as unusual.

I think you reading too much into this. Let it play out a bit. Remind her that school comes first but as long as that isn’t affected, you are happy to be flexible . Meeting him might be a bit soon too.

Personally, I think it’s a bit odd she’s told you she’s had a snog

Parents allowing or not allowing dating is funny. You don’t have that level of control with a 14 year old.

unless you are going to completely restrict her from having friends or any social life, she can date and you would have no idea. Dating at 14 for many teens doesn’t look all that different from a friendship.

what you can do is set limits on social time vs study time. You can have a curfew. Have rules about letting you know her plans and if those plans change.

you don’t have to jump to letting a boyfriend practically move in like so many posters seem to do. If she does have a relationship at 14 it should be casual. It needs to fit in with the rest of her social life and around her other responsibilities.

setting arbitrary rules you can’t actually enforce will erode your authority. As long as she continues to show you she is a good, responsible person, you should treat her as one.

if that changes, then you can impose draconian rules.

I said something similar to my teens. They just carried on without my knowledge and it shut down communication. I'd do it differently if I had that time again

A reasonable "home rule" is "be home before 9pm on a school night" or "no food in the bedrooms" or "homework to be completed before TV".

Not "You are wrong to think you have romantic/sexual interests and must suppress them from now on."

She will do it regardless and sell it to you as just a friendship, no1 way to lose her trust in you if anything u towards happens or even if she just needs to navigate feelings.

Its a teen relationship not marriage 🙄

At 14 you wouldn’t be able to stop her having a boyfriend, it’s a major part of teenage life. Sometimes it feels like it’s all they talk about. It doesn’t mean she won’t do well at school.

DT’s (b/g) had boy/girl friends and a wide circle of friends from both sexes. Both got all A’s and did sports at a high level. All a part of making them well rounded teenagers.

At no point did I say she was wrong to have these feelings - have you actually read the full thread?

I don't think people are equating home rules with being controlling.

No ones saying that something like "You must be home by 8pm on a school night" is an unreasonable demand for a parent to place on their child.

But that's not what you're doing. You're saying "You must not fall in love. You're not allowed to decide whether this person you really like is your friend or your boyfriend"

That's the part that's unreasonable and controlling. By saying she's not allowed to date, not allowed to have a boyfriend, you're trying to dictate what emotions and feelings she's allowed to have. That is controlling, and it's also pointless, because you're never going to actually be able to maintain that control.

If you say no it will happen behind your back - it would be better she can talk to you….

She'll just do the next thing without telling you. That's all.

You can have all the "rules" you want, but there's really only so much you can do.

Mine is, too. August birthday, when she will be 15. Same for all kids with birthdays between now and September 1st. Not at all strange.

My parents forbade me to date I did it anyway, moved out at 16 and was pregnant at 17, things could have been so different. You can't control your children like this. They have to be allowed to develop relationships in an age appropriate way, and they will find it much easier if you are supportive rather than disapproving

All she will do is go behind your back. Far better to be welcoming to him than trying to stop them! It will cause arguments and have the potential to spoil your relationship with her!

Had my first date at 13. Seems normal.

If your daughter is in Year 10, and I assume a summer born baby, then she can't be far off 15, considering we're in June. My son is in Year 10, but an Autumn baby, so is 16 coming up.

I understand that you don't want your daughter having intense relationships that might distract her from her studies. However, putting in a complete ban, will simply make her lie to you, sneak around and hide her boyfriend. At the moment she trusted you enough to tell you, and that's a trust you don't want to lose.

There's nothing wrong in your daughter going to McDonalds, cinema, bowling etc with this boy. It's perfectly normal for a girl at very nearly 15, to be interested in romantic relationships.

Yes, you need a conversation regarding contraception, consent, healthy relationships and the importance of maintaining her friendships with friends.

I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 17, I was shy, and rather awkward teenager. However, my Dad was very overprotective, didn't want any boy anywhere near me, treated me like I was still 11 when I was 17. It was awful. My Mum was much better, and she'd regularly have to tell my Dad, that I was 17, not 12 and he needed to accept I was growing up.

Instead of having a blanket ban, put in boundaries and parent the situation.

I think you're on a hiding to nothing here.

She's been open and honest with you, saying she's now not allowed to see this boy as a boyfriend is likely to make her lie to you. I like @allthingsinmoderation post which I'll copy paste here:

So, dont come down heavy with your thoughts and feelings on this, there is nothing so sure as to make this more attractive to a teen than parental disapproval.
You have done the Health education about relationships, emotions, feelings, intimacy and sexual contact.
Sleepovers, absolutely not. Cinema dates fine.
Encourage studies, hobbies, friends alonside dating within perameters.

I find this contradictory. Again at no point did I say you’re not allowed to fall in love. I said we don’t really do boyfriends/ dates but stick to friendships at this stage. One persons acceptable rule is another persons unacceptable - we are allowed to disagree. I have also conceded that I will continue to keep communication open with my DD which we already have done and are both a lot happier. It does feel like some posters cannot accept that my DD and I continue to have an open and loving relationship - it is not as black and white as many of you are painting. I am sure at 14 this is normal feelings and we will continue to talk about it going forward as much as she likes. Nobody said anything about “love!?”

Stop being weird about something perfectly normal or you will drive her to stop telling you things. Apologies for your weirdness and let her be happy.