14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

Not sure how “will talk to her some more” equates to another grilling?!?

It's not up to you. You're being inappropriate and controlling. It's her life. It's about her readiness, not yours.

You can say relationships aren’t a thing at 14 years old all you like, but she’s surrounded by teenagers, lots of whom will be in relationships, so who are you actually kidding? It is your rule, not the rest of society.

Ship has sailed. They’ve already kissed. Teens don’t go out on ‘dates’ anyway they hang out with the person with their friends, text and see each other at school. There’s no point banning ‘dating’ because she will just hide that they’re together from you and call him a friend instead. She also won’t tell you anything anymore.

Nothing more exciting to a teen than doing something forbidden by a parent...

If losing focus on studies is truly what you’re worried about, why not let her make her own choices (within reason), but suggest that she limits social time, including dates, to weekends. All teens need downtime. She is into her GCSE years now and the pressure is high. Protecting her mental wellbeing is also important through encouraging balance between work and play.

The conversation I’d be having with her is not to drop her friendship group the moment a boy comes along. Maybe it feels hard for you but we have to accept at this age that they will transition over to increasingly confiding in their peers over their parents, especially once sex enters the equation.

Because it's just so bloody unnecessary. She's 14... you are the one trying to make a massive deal over something that is perfectly normal.

You don't need to know her intentions right now, you don't need another discussion about her feelings, you don't need to discuss your rules. You need to back off and actually let her have some time to decide how she feels or what she might like or whether she even wants to date or anything. Right now she just needs to be 14 and soak up the feeling!

Of course boyfriends are a thing at 14! I think you're being absolutely ridiculous

I started dating my first boyfriend in year 10 OP. I went on to do absolutely everything that you want for your DD (excellent exam results, top uni, didn't have sex with my boyfriend- the same one btw - until I was 16). I'd trust her if I were you.

Edited to add: actually thinking about it, it was year 11. But early in y11 rather than late in y10 so just a few months different.

You know she's going to have to navigate studying and relationships when she's older too? It would be better for her to get used to it in a less intense way than say, her first term at uni.

You don’t need to ‘discuss it’ more. You defo do not need to meet him. Jeezo, thats not embarrassing at all for a 14 year old. Stop over-egging perfectly normal teen behaviour. Just be there if she wants to talk, and continue to encourage studying, friends etc. The more you make a big deal of this the more likely it becomes a problem..

I was boy mad and was still a straight A student. It’s possible to manage both!

@sixandjuliet By having a summer birthday! My 15 year old is in year 11 sitting GCSEs now. He'll be 16 in August.

OP I agree with all those who say trying to prevent teens from having relationships is pointless and counter-productive as she will just stop telling you anything. Much better to encourage openess and give informative advice about sex, consent and contraception. You can do so without condoning underage sex. You can't stop underage sex by forbidding it.

She will just do it behind your back. You'll be much better off "allowing" her to date and setting a few parameters around that, including making him welcome in your home where you can keep a better eye on things. Curfew, where they can go together and where is off limits, homework/ x hours of revision first, no alcohol, no sex (but have the safe sex and consent talks anyway).

My parents said no boyfriends until 16 or ideally 18. The sole reason they gave was "school work" but I soon figured out that was bullshit as however much schoolwork I did, they still didn't agree. I stopped having any respect for their "rules" and went behind their backs. I actually hated doing that but the desire was too strong and their reasoning made no sense. Looking back I think it was just lazy parenting so they didn't have to worry about teen pregnancy.

The result was that half the time they had no idea where I was or who I was with, which was so much worse. I ended up in a couple of vulnerable situations I'd misjudged and wished I could call my mum to come and get me but I couldn't ...

I know you didn't date until you were older but that's not an excuse to say "well, rules" and stick your head in the sand. She's a different person.

So you want her as a high achiever? Were you the one who said which one did you get wrong when she says she got 9/10 in her spelling test?

Ughh pushy parents

Year 10 are age 14-15

My son is almost 14 in year 8 and is on his second girlfriend of the school year. It's not a big deal at this age, their relationship consists of hanging out together at school within a big group, he walks her home from school, they hold hands and have had a kiss. They don't go out on dates and aside from maybe a walk around the local lake on the way home from school. We certainly won't be meeting her, that all seems a bit much, it's not serious at this age.

I started dating when I was fourteen. We went to movies and school dances and hung out at each other’s houses under our parents’ watchful eyes. 😂 I broke up with him after eight or nine months because he was too immature for me despite being a year and a half older. The whole thing was very benign and never went beyond kissing, physically. Our parents were Catholic and we went to neighboring Catholic schools, and no one we knew was scandalized or concerned. All in all, it was a positive learning experience.

OP, teenage years are an eye opener for all parents. We found we had to ‘negotiate’ rather than set hard and fast rules. So we’d discuss curfews depending on event, mode of transport etc. If you’ve done a good job with your DC, they’ll be reasonable and open. If you refuse to accept their changing identities, they’ll are likely to lie to you. They’ll feel you’re unreasonable and they’re justified.

We welcomed all DSs’ friends - girlfriends and just friends. Happier to have them in our house than skulking about. We had the contraceptive conversation whilst also saying we’d prefer them to wait until sex was legal at 16 and girls couldn’t sleep over until then.

Exams went fine and they did well, happily married in their 30s now.

Your DD seems sensible and open - listen and be open. She isn’t a little girl any more.

You’re making it a bigger deal than it is. A 14 year old having their first kiss with a new boyfriend doesn’t really require him to come round and meet you. They might break up in 2 weeks so don’t put pressure on it. Leave them to it for a few weeks (or months) and then see where they stand before meeting

Your poor DD. You need to get a grip of yourself.

Alot of girls/women would be better off not dating.

You need to talk about contraception before they are sexually active.

This is sensible. I’d be focusing on the study not the “relationship”
must have 1/2 study nights a week one day at weekends or whatever.
You sound a bit delusional and not aware of boundaries yourself. I mean this with kindness. If you’re being over bearing now god help your kids in their 20/30s. You don’t want to be THAT mother in law.