14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

All right, age at first sex, then.

I have no idea how large the sample size is for these stats.

That’s what people said when I was a teenager in the early 2000s, too. “All these boys expect oral sex and the girls think it’s normal to do it as if it doesn’t mean anything more than a handshake!” Except that was never true for everyone, and lots of young teenagers dated in an age-appropriate way that was about holding hands, kissing (on the lips, not below the waist), and going public places together.

@flowerpot13 said it will “inevitably” end badly and be traumatic and OP’s daughter will remember the trauma forever. That’s ridiculous, full stop.

Expect her to go behind your back if you prevent it. Invite him over for dinner so you can check what's happening instead.

@flowerpot13 - l had a number of boyfriends at around 14. It certainly didn’t cause trauma for a week when l moved on or was moved on. Trauma forever? Not back then.

I wouldn't stop it .. I would however make the decisions on how often they spend time together,that it doesn't get in the way of school .
If you stop these things they backfire ,you can't control feelings better to be open and navigate it .. instead of making RULES.

I'm my experience from both my brother and husband they are both closer to their mum's than I am. They are 13/14 meeting the parents if surely something you do when you think a relationship is going somewhere, it all seems very overbearing and serious. I wouldn't insist on meeting all of his friends formally and he spends more time with them. I really don't think almost 14 is too young to have a kiss.

Truly they may stop being open with you if you continue like this. DD wants to kiss her boyfriend and she will certainly do it, with or without your agreement.

It’s not about how serious the relationship is. Most parents want to know what kind of boy their daughter is getting involved with. There’s a real and growing issue of violence and abuse towards girls and women, and out of basic safeguarding towards their daughter, most will want to have them round to get know this boy better. My mother certainly did with my boyfriends, even if we barely held hands and often just blushed at each other across the classroom…. As did my friends parents. Whilst it’s always been an issue, I think it’s even more important now than it was when I was a child. Sometimes as a parent you may think they seem like a sweet boy, other times you may have some red flags to point out. It’s also important to help guide your daughter in their first relationships, to help them spot red flags so they can have healthy relationships.

There will always be exceptions. But it’s a well known proverb for a good reason. It’s generally true amongst the men I know.

Nice to see such a mixture of personal experiences being shared and a lot more kindness as well. Happy to report life has returned to normal - DD calling me up after school to tell me the gossip of her day which now actually includes the cute details that she perhaps may have not shared with me before we discussed the “rule” and her changing feelings. So I am proud, especially as soo many of you were desperate to be right that our relationship was now forever doomed. Sorry to piss on your chips. We all come into this parenting lark with ideas of how to protect our children and keep them safe. As long as we are not rigid and CAN listen, we can also learn and modify as we go along. 16 year old wasn’t interested in the slightest in having a “boyfriend” although she had had plenty of crushes on girls and boys. 14 year old (yes almost 15) is her own person and has advocated brilliantly for herself. So onwards!! And good luck to us all - we are definitely going to need it.

Also wanted to add - it absolutely is still completely different for girls vs boys even today. Boys are STILL considered studs, have aura or whatever nonsensical term they are called for going with a girl while girls are still vilified, teased and can have their reputations ruined for simply walking around school with different boys - I know this because my girls lament the injustice regularly. So a HUGE part of this was to protect DD’s mental health. Being able to be open about it all has reassured me and her to see how it goes and tread lightly. I am sure I will meet him eventually if there is intention to spend time outside of school - but then I have met all my children’s friends (and most of their parents through daily life) so why wouldn’t I meet him? If they’re mature enough to “date” they’re mature enough to speak to adults they don’t know surely?

I was born in the late 60s and everyone I knew was snogging. It started about 12/13 years old and was constant throughout school. I feel as if it was all we all talked about.
We lived in a very nice middle class neighbourhood, went to a school that was ranked one of the highest in the country academically, had ponies, competed in sports, studied and did well academically but the main focus at that age was, without a doubt, boys.
Very few of the girls (or boys) were ever having sex at school age, but almost all were snogging and partying/ drinking by the time we were 14 or 15. I think it was so normal.
Funnily enough, those who didn’t and were from families who were a lot stricter, met boyfriends later, often married a first or second boyfriend and are now divorced so it can backfire if children don’t find out about relationships and dating when it is still young and innocent. I think it helps you understand what you are looking for in a partner.

At 12-14, I might have kissed the odd boy on the lips. But it was a kiss, the type that's a quick touch of the lips. It wasn't snogging. Actual snogging is a pretty grown-up thing to do. It's actual making out, with tongues etc, and it tends to arouse some pretty strong sexual feelings, too. I really don't think there was much actual snogging much before age 15, at least not in my friend group. At age 15-16, a lot of the parents went away for the weekends, so we had house parties, and there was a LOT of making out at those, age 15 onwards.

Actual making out, as opposed to a momentary kiss on the lips, is pretty advanced stuff for 12-14 year olds, in my opinion.

It’s interesting how different the responses are. I was the opposite- snogging was first. So awkward but just what we did as I think we thought that was how things were done. I remember the first time was actually quite gross - felt like the guy just stuck his tongue in my mouth and I couldn’t breathe. I actually feel I moved on to kissing as I became more mature as that felt more intimate than the awkward snogging I did as a young teen. Maybe we just learn everything ever so slightly differently to others depending on the school, our peers, culture etc.

Born mid-70s, and definitely a lot of snogging from 12 upwards! This was in a middle-class area too in case you think that has anything to do with it.

Although UK born, because of dad’s job l was brought up in France, which may have made a difference. The French are far more tactile than the British and the majority of friendship group were certainly snogging at 14. It was both passionate and fairly discreet. Some of us snogged the girls too. It was a time of investigation and discovery.

l didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, l could be described as quite “bookish”, certainly no wild child but but my hormones were bubbling. I first had sex around my 15th birthday, l can’t remember if l was 14 or just 15 at the time (well into my 40s now), l was certainly on the pill at 15/16. Mum was annoyed when she first found out l was having sex (although elder sister knew) not about the sex per se but that l hadn’t confided in her.

Winding the clock and calendar on fast forward l ended up in a professional job and certainly not harmed; parents were supportive throughout.

I was snogging at ten years old! It definitely wasn't sexual, it was something I'd probably read about in books and magazines.

Exactly she shared it because she was excited , you went ahead & said it’s against the rules !.
You just need to relax OP , it should be ok that she has a bf at this age , obviously boundaries in place .
I don’t see the big deal in hanging out in one another’s houses with parents present, like another pp said , what are they going to be doing only going to cinema , McDonald’s ,beach ( well I live in Ireland surrounded by the sea side where we live , the teenagers here mine included all hang out there together during the summer holidays making memories ☺️) & age appropriate events 🤷🏻‍♀️

I saw a couple of youngsters about the age of your daughter and the boy was walking the girl home from school. He held her and they kissed a bit. ( Nothing salacious) And then she shooed him off. It was clear he was not allowed near the house.
They both looked SO HAPPY!
But very much the first steps of young love.
This must be happening all over the country as it brightens up exam time!

Ten! Jesus. Just small children. That is not right, imo.

Sometimes I think there is earlier experimentation the more middle-class you are, because if both parents have full-time career jobs there is less likely to be after-school supervision in the teenage years. I liked boys a lot from an early age. I can't even imagine what would have gone on if I'd had the house to myself every afternoon after school!

15th birthday is officially early. Stats say that first sex is, on average, 17.5. I would never have been able to handle all the emotions and pregnancy worries of sex that young, but I did have a friend who was extraordinarily mature for her age and had sex at 15, a few months before she turned 16. Hasn't done her any harm, and she seemed fine with it. I'd have been a wreck!

Oh God, I've just remembered - the same friend slept with a lawyer at the firm where she did work experience as a 15 or 16 year old! He was well into his thirties. Rang no alarm bells whatsoever back in those days - the very end of the Eighties. Again, she seemed one hundred percent mature enough to cope with it.

I don't remember any snogging or drinking at 14, but by the time were were 15 and a half (well, about halfway through the fifth form) all that was in full swing.

Funny what a difference 18 months makes in development at that age.

Ahhh, that's so sweet!

For the record (and my dignity) he was the same age as me, bar a few months.