AIBU to stop subsidising my partner's hobby and his spending?

[Hey56]

Partner has a hobby that he spends money on and collects things but will never get half the money back that he spends on these items what it's is, is irrelevant but the spending is driving me insane we both have x amount of money at end of the month and pot pays bills and rent etc,
He's always asking for extra, afew hundred quid here and there as there is a must have he wants I know I'm soft to say yes but I basically hold the purse strings as is, but let's just say we are not well off by any means and when something like the car breaks or whatever we get down to a basic amount of savings and I'd like to have a bigger pot as life has a habit of not aways going to plan so save whilst we can is my motto!
I get annoyed as if it's birthday Xmas or we go anywhere 90 percent of it I pay out my spends and I know if I allocated money for joint days out etc it'd be bumf gone as soon as it arrives!
I've had words on many a occasion and say calm it but he gets obsessed with it and drives me mad!
I will say he doesn't get into debt, and it not something for reasons I'd rather not go into he can buy and sell easily!
Do I suck it up and think we'll of I want days out and meals out just I pay or do we literally start doing nothing as he's always skint due to the buying!
I have considered doing things with family and friends and not going out for meals with him do nice activities with him due to the money I really find myself buying shit just to feel like he's not the only one getting treats!
Thinking maybe if the days out or meals out suddenly stop and I start saying sorry I'm skint what will he do!
We both have kids (older) and it's me that ends up treating his kids to stuff as mine are financially better off but I feel this is unfair as it should be him treating his kids not me, generally a good bloke not selfish, helps out etc with home duties but god, honest if you was to read a bank statement it's pure ebay purchases! Gr

Who is allowing you to be treated like a complete mug?

You are not his nurse or purse. Stop subsidising him. Bills, extras, everything is 50/50 and if he won’t pay he can’t do it.

I don't understand threads like this.

What does the OP want? Permission to stop being a doormat? Honestly you need to know you don't need other people's approval nor validation. Being kind has its limits. You aren't being kind if you fund someone in this way or similar. You are enabling unhealthy and damaging behaviour. You are allowing someone to avoid responsibility to others and to themselves by becoming their mother who always bails them out.

I have a friend who is on the point of divorcing her husband because he's a helpless infant. As I pointed out to her the behaviour she was modelling to her kids was that women are worth nothing and can be treated like household slaves and cash machines.

You need to examine why you have this drive to enable at your own expense and you need to learn that it's 'ok to be selfish'. Saying no isn't just in your own best interests - in many cases it's tough love that's ultimately in the best interests of the other party too. Practice saying no and not feeling guilty or being tempted to cave because it's easier than dealing with the subsequent sulk or tantrum. Such behaviour is abusive because it's emotionally manipulative and coercive to get what someone else wants.

MN seems to be particularly awash ATM with threads where there is little other advice to be given other than 'just say no'. It seems we have an epidemic of women who only feel self worth if they can enable a close family member to do something that actively harms them emotionally or financially. It's like a be kind addiction. It's toxic and it's really not kind to anyone in the long run as it enables behaviour which has significant negative consequences in the long term. It's a lazy quick fix to say yes rather than deal with a bigger problem.

We need to be reassuring and empowering so many women to break the cycle and be more 'selfish'. This is better for them, better for other people in the equation and better for society as a whole.

We almost need a 'just say no' campaign on MN where for a week once a year we encourage other users to 'just say no' and support each other through that. It's not mean, it's not actually selfish and it helps to set up others to address and deal with their own issues better. We all understood that being a yes man isn't a good thing but perhaps such an action would help to give clarity and give light bulb moments to some. I do think it would change the thinking and toxic dynamics within some families and given everyone an all together better future.

Hes a decent bloke and not selfish she says so herself!!!!! Some women are desperate

You look at your online banking for the year and add up all the bills and expenses for the year then divide that by 2 and then by 12 and thats the amount both of you pay into an account each month, if he wont pay you tell him you will have to live seperately and dont give him any more money or pay for anything full stop, hes not a good bloke hes a selfish prick whos using you and youre allowing it

I totally thought this was the Pokémon guy again!

He won’t even treat you to an ice cream?

Fucking hell, how do you even feel loved by or attracted to this child when you’re more like his Mummy?

I agree from today I have to stop enabling this, my just say no starts now

I am sorry but you must just say to him you have nothing left you can give him. Just say you have added extra to your pension and you have enough for yourself for the month. Stop enabling this behaviour. He will not stop as long as he knows you can bail him out.

You say you tried to explain it but he didn't catch on. That's rubbish. Regardless, he will soon catch on when you stop bailing him out and giving him handouts like a silly boy.

You could set up a joint account for bills plus joint outings, and each contribute equal amounts. When that's gone, it's gone. If he's spent all his personal money on his hobby, then no he doesn't get to go out for an ice cream. The fact that this has become a routine habit and an expecation is problematic.

Longer term you really need to work out in what other ways is he massively taking the piss out of you, because I guarantee there will be some, in more ways than expecting you to get his dad a fathers day card and present.

What does he add to your life, other than being someone convenient who is happy being taken out for dinner?

You are about to find out if you have a partner or a boyfriend for hire.
Stay strong.

good for you!! he does this because he can, because you enable it because you are soft on him and you admit this yourself.

you have shown him the evidence of how much he spends on himself - because thats what it is selfish, spending on himself. No one needs to spend £350 a month on shitty tat. dont care what it is or what you call it, if its not going to turn a profit its shitty tat.

unfortunately, having been on MN for more years than I care to think, 99.9% of the time when the enabler puts their foot down, two things happen

1. they stick to it and the relationship ends
2. they cave in and the cycle continues

very very rarely does the partner wake up, smell the coffee and change their behaviour. I hope you are the exception but put plans in place in case you arent. and please just dont cave in, no matter how stroppy grumpy sulky he gets because based on past experience he will.

Absolutely not. Treat yourself, go out with a friend. Tell him you’re skint, and trying to put extra into your pension and he needs to pay his own way and pay for his own kids too.
if he says but you went out for dinner with sally, you get mad. ‘Sally paid her own way, so I didn’t have to pay for both of us. Also, you’ve spent £100s on stuff this month already why is that not saved to take me out to dinner? When did you last pay for me to do anything? I’m not a magic money tap and you’re not one of my children.’

Warhammer? Lego? Pokemon cards? Doesn't really matter, whatever it is he curtails it and grows up and none of your money goes to it. You're right don't do activities where your money pays for you both

Yes definitely stop subsidising him. I agree a joint pot for joint activities would work well. If he's short for something important like buying his Dad or child a gift and you want to lend him some money to help him out then he can pay you back next payday. If you find he doesn't pay you back then you may need to put a stop to lending as well.

I would view it differently. You are not subsidising him, you are stealing from your children to give the money to your partner instead. Maybe it will help you rein it in to realise that money could be going to your children’s education or house deposit fund for the future. Is your partner’s hobby really a better use for it? I’d tell him you are struggling to make ends meet and can no longer subsidise him and will need him to pay his fair share going forwards. Then, if he can’t afford something, do it alone or with friends (trip out) or don’t do it (takeaways, ice creams) - A good option is to have a shared ‘fun’ fund for things like this as long as he doesn’t help himself to advances from it. And no helpful purchases like Father’s Day cards.

Wake up, OP. Your children should be your top financial priority, not shelling out stupid amounts just so you can hold onto your boyfriend.

Are you worried he’ll get pissed off if you don’t buy him his toys? Let him, who gives a shit? Are you worried he’ll leave you? Help him pack! You’d be far better off on your own than letting this man-child push you and your kids into poverty.

Seriously OP, you should want better for your children even if you don’t want it for yourself.

He's a parasite

Think how much better off you and your children would be without him.

Set an agreed personal spend amount per month. Stick to it. Requests for extra for just another Warhammer or whatever are met with, sorry, we've to to pay x and can't afford it.
I don't mind you treating his kids, it's nice of you and being nice is nice.

you're with the wrong man if hr has to ask you for money. cant imagine anything more off putting

Have you considered learning punctuation?

I'd like to add all kids are adults and working

Nasty person

What sort of man asks his girlfriend for pocket money? I don’t know how you can still respect him, let alone sleep with him.

He has adult child too so this is a fully grown man, I assumed initially he was a young lad in his 20s. It gets worse. He’s a bum.

Don't be a twat.

Well said @Error404FucksNotFound