AIBU to stop subsidising my partner's hobby and his spending?

[Hey56]

Partner has a hobby that he spends money on and collects things but will never get half the money back that he spends on these items what it's is, is irrelevant but the spending is driving me insane we both have x amount of money at end of the month and pot pays bills and rent etc,
He's always asking for extra, afew hundred quid here and there as there is a must have he wants I know I'm soft to say yes but I basically hold the purse strings as is, but let's just say we are not well off by any means and when something like the car breaks or whatever we get down to a basic amount of savings and I'd like to have a bigger pot as life has a habit of not aways going to plan so save whilst we can is my motto!
I get annoyed as if it's birthday Xmas or we go anywhere 90 percent of it I pay out my spends and I know if I allocated money for joint days out etc it'd be bumf gone as soon as it arrives!
I've had words on many a occasion and say calm it but he gets obsessed with it and drives me mad!
I will say he doesn't get into debt, and it not something for reasons I'd rather not go into he can buy and sell easily!
Do I suck it up and think we'll of I want days out and meals out just I pay or do we literally start doing nothing as he's always skint due to the buying!
I have considered doing things with family and friends and not going out for meals with him do nice activities with him due to the money I really find myself buying shit just to feel like he's not the only one getting treats!
Thinking maybe if the days out or meals out suddenly stop and I start saying sorry I'm skint what will he do!
We both have kids (older) and it's me that ends up treating his kids to stuff as mine are financially better off but I feel this is unfair as it should be him treating his kids not me, generally a good bloke not selfish, helps out etc with home duties but god, honest if you was to read a bank statement it's pure ebay purchases! Gr

He sounds like a teenager
I couldn’t cope with that!

stop bailing him out and treating his kids

I would find this very annoying I just don’t think I’d stand for it and why should you?

Set an agreed budget each for discretionary spending and stick to it?

How annoying that you are asking if you're unreasonable. Stop that!

And stop giving him all the spare money!

YABU to subsidise this manchild. You would not be unreasonable to throw him back. He is financially dragging you and your kids down while you bankroll him. Presumably when you retire he will expect you to keep subsidising him with your hard earned pension that you worked all your life for, while he spaffed all his money up the wall on his pointless collection of things, dragging you down even further.

Just say no.

Not sure what else you expect people to say?

You are a complete mug and sadly are being treated like one.

You are spending money on a loser and his children that you should be putting away for your own children.

Awful.

If you don't have kids together could you live separately so you only have your own bills to think about.

Can you, instead of subsidising this loser, focus on your own and your children’s interests? The fact that you seem to have limited savings is concerning. How is your pension - are you on course for a decent retirement?

Don't let him drag you down. What, if anything, does he actually contribute to your quality of life and happiness?

What do you get out of the relationship with a little boy? Coming to you asking for spending money 🤦‍♀️

Er.. he is in debt, he’s in debt to you! He uses your money eh every month.

Just say no. And save into a savings account that he has no access to.

It sounds like you both put money into a shared account for bills.

I think you need to make additional shared savings (that are out of bounds for his hobbies) for things like socialising together, holidays, car repairs/replacement - anything that you would pay for jointly. I believe there are some accounts that allow you to label these "pots" or you could have a spreadsheet etc. This way the money he is left with is his personal spending and if he runs out tough luck.

If he asks you to lend him money for collecting say no. Suggest he sells some stuff to fund buying other stuff.

YABU for putting up with this! Just telling him no and stop subsidising him

Currently he is getting everything he wants with no consequences for overspending. Stop subsidising him.
Go out with friends instead. Stop buying for his kids. Save your money up so you get get yourself simething really nice. Anything but giving it to him/paying fir him. He is an adult, not your child.
How has this not put you off him?

Stop. Or both of you put money into an account for meals, days out etc. that can only be used for those things. Put a stop to paying for his share and treating his kids. He needs to grow up.

You’re not financially compatible.
This will be a lifelong habit.

I will say he doesn't get into debt

Errr… your handouts mean that he doesn’t need to get into debt to fund necessities like fixing the car or treating his kids.

Yanbu to resent this and you should stop subsidizing this man child.

Absolutely stop subsidising this, and consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
My DH got obsessed with collecting a certain item from his childhood off eBay , personally I think he got obsessed by ‘winning’ the item, and he ended up hiding a lot of his purchases from me. Now it’s all sitting in the garage getting damp, he says it’s worth thousands of pounds, but now he’s lost interest and can’t be bothered selling it back on eBay. It really is pathetic.

Honestly, what on earth do you see in him? Stop paying for him and his DC. He sounds pathetic.

Be upfront with him. Tell him that from tomorrow you will no longer be subsidising his hobby. You will not be paying for all days out and treats so that he can buy his collectibles. You will not be the one treating his kids to keep things balanced. You will not be giving him hundreds of pounds so that he can buy more hobby items off eBay. In the meantime, keep your savings separate and go out more with friends and family who are able to pay their way. If he doesn't get to feel the consequences of not contributing financially, then he's never going to change (probably won't anyway). It will be tough, but you need to make a stand.

This all day long. Start saying no. And stop spending on his adult kids - when did he last do anything nice for yours?

This is a new definition of " Generally a good bloke, not selfish," to me.

He doesn't contribute financial above the basics for his children because hes ..creating a horde of crap off ebay that he cant resell?
This " horde" is more important than taking you out. ? Going on holiday? Sharing the financial burden of daily life with you? Early retirement or shared experiences.?

Hes prepared to not only spend his own money on his horde but yours too.

So he's socially and financially irresponsible and inept. But "Generally a good bloke"
And "Not selfish" but every penny he can lay his hands on goes on his horde..not you, not his children..

One if us is living in an alternate universe...and your the one living with Gollum if you want a clue who it is. You need to step back and cold hard look at this without the rose tinted glasses,

You have posted about this before haven’t you? He needs to sell some of his possessions and pay you back.

You’re being a complete mug

Print off the bank statement and highlight his spending. Give it to him next time he asks for more money and say no. He sounds like a child. Sorry op

He doesn’t sound like much of a partner! You need to say no to his extra money requests, and stop treating him and his kids, which is what he should be doing.