AIBU to stop subsidising my partner's hobby and his spending?

[Hey56]

Partner has a hobby that he spends money on and collects things but will never get half the money back that he spends on these items what it's is, is irrelevant but the spending is driving me insane we both have x amount of money at end of the month and pot pays bills and rent etc,
He's always asking for extra, afew hundred quid here and there as there is a must have he wants I know I'm soft to say yes but I basically hold the purse strings as is, but let's just say we are not well off by any means and when something like the car breaks or whatever we get down to a basic amount of savings and I'd like to have a bigger pot as life has a habit of not aways going to plan so save whilst we can is my motto!
I get annoyed as if it's birthday Xmas or we go anywhere 90 percent of it I pay out my spends and I know if I allocated money for joint days out etc it'd be bumf gone as soon as it arrives!
I've had words on many a occasion and say calm it but he gets obsessed with it and drives me mad!
I will say he doesn't get into debt, and it not something for reasons I'd rather not go into he can buy and sell easily!
Do I suck it up and think we'll of I want days out and meals out just I pay or do we literally start doing nothing as he's always skint due to the buying!
I have considered doing things with family and friends and not going out for meals with him do nice activities with him due to the money I really find myself buying shit just to feel like he's not the only one getting treats!
Thinking maybe if the days out or meals out suddenly stop and I start saying sorry I'm skint what will he do!
We both have kids (older) and it's me that ends up treating his kids to stuff as mine are financially better off but I feel this is unfair as it should be him treating his kids not me, generally a good bloke not selfish, helps out etc with home duties but god, honest if you was to read a bank statement it's pure ebay purchases! Gr

We both have kids (older) and it's me that ends up treating his kids to stuff as mine are financially better off but I feel this is unfair as it should be him treating his kids not me, generally a good bloke not selfish

He IS selfish. He's a selfish ponce. 😒

He spends his fun money on himself and you spend your fun money on you both. How is that fair or equitable?

Look at the Rebel Finance School course available now for free.

You’ll be able to say “ going forward, I’m going to be investing the £500 a month I’ve been giving you in a S&S ISA. I realised if I’d done that 5 years ago, I’d be sitting on £39,000 allowing for 9/10% growth and compound interest. So going forward, that’s what I’ll be doing. Can you buy your toys using your own salary?”

Nothing wrong with him having a hobby or collecting things if it makes him happy; however he should be using his fun money for this and not scrounging off you!! If his fun money doesn’t stretch to it because your budget doesn’t stretch to it then he needs to start saving! He’s behaving like a 5 year old!!

You need to change how you see fun money I think op. There needs to be family fun money and then your individual fun money. Because if he uses up all his fun money and then can't contribute to family days or holidays or things then that's still a debt he owes you because he's mismanaged his income. It's not enough just to stop subsidising him.

The bit that's the kicker in all this op is that he knows. He knows anyway because he's coming to you knowing you'll have the cash to spare because you've been sensible so he knows what that looks like, plus you've laid it out for him already and told him. So he's really clear that this doesn't work for you. He just doesn't care about that because he's selfish and getting what he wants is more important to him than you are sadly.

So unless you actually start enforcing this boundary he has no reason whatsoever to do anything differently. For me if he didn't start over paying into your joint savings for days out/ holidays as well as for longer term savings I'd take it very clearly that you're not in a partnership and you can't trust or rely on him. And that would be the end for me.

Eta: this is the definition of conscious incompetence

Yes to this. Or to reduce the amount of fun money you both have, with the rest remaining in the join account with money for other shared costs.

Does he realise when you are covering his share for meals etc that is coming from your spends?

As asked, does he have involvement in the budget at all or do you do it all for him so he presumes that the money he has is solely his to spend on him, forgetting that he might need to cover meals out, his adult kids birthdays etc

He's got his 'fun money'.
He spends it.
Then he spends yours.

He is selfish. How can you say he isn't?

You should be angry, he's using you. That money could be going to secure your own property, on your future, your children.

Live separately and date him if he's otherwise absolutely fantastic, but cease all payments to him and his kids. He'll try to manipulate you into continuing to bankroll him, don't fall for it.

I don't know why you are posting. He won't change and you will carry on treating him like another child, in fact you treat your own children worse than him or his kids. You said you treat his kids but not your own. That is mad.

Sorry for accusing you of posting before. It must be a common problem. I think with the other poster it was antiques that her OH was buying. He always thought they were an investment.

My DH was like this. I printed out the statement and showed him he had spent over $1k a month on his hobby with eBay. He was shocked. 😳
I said it’s not sustainable, you need to turn off eBay alerts, and only check eBay for an hour or so on a Friday. We agreed on a limit to the spending and implemented it by him only having a certain amount in his PayPal account each month. I did agree that if he wanted a larger purchase, he could sell some of his hobby stuff to trade up.

We later discovered he had undiagnosed ADHD which caused him to do this kind of impulse buying. In addition eBay is designed to hook people with ADHD because there is the excitement of bidding on an auction and the dopamine hit of winning. It’s why ADHDers are at higher risk of addiction to gambling. Once he got meds for the ADHD, he was alot more restrained and felt in better control of what he was buying and when.

Stop giving him your money for his hobby and stop using your money for his children.

He needs to budget his left over money after bills while you constantly top him up and sub him be will never learn.

Am I the only one getting increasingly irritated by the term "fun money"?

I did that last month 350 pounds I listed dates and amounts and still he didn't catch on tbh I think I'm going to have to stop all activities and when he sujest doing a activity it will be do you have money for your half? And if not we don't go may be only way but just makes life miserable for me!
Even go for a ride out and a icecream it's just automatic I pay always has been
I think it just doesn't enter his head I've tried telling him food budget isn't meals out or takeaways he just don't get it at all maybe it is adhd or something I don't know, I feel guilty but I think the shock of me suddenly dropping spending he will realise when tap turns off!
A example would be father's day I automatically buy a card for his dad when I buy mine but he will expect me to purchase the gift also!

You aren’t his mother!!!!! You shouldn’t even be asked for money from another grown adult let alone feeling you have to give it to him!

I’ve said you’re being unreasonable as you’ve created this dynamic. Why have you allowed this to continue to the point where you’re paying for everything and also supporting his children?

Do you live together? Why are you funding his hobby? If he can’t afford to go out, why are you paying for everything? Does he work? Does he not contribute at all? Do you have children together?

So many questions, but the biggest one is why are you still with him?

It’s financial abuse. And you’re a fool for allowing him to take advantage of you whilst knowing he’s doing that.

I’d have to disagree on the abuse. The OP is a willing participant (and I’m sorry op, but also a complete mug) but I don’t see any evidence of abuse. A CF that’s getting away with murder, yes but not abuse

I don't think it's financial abuse either. The OP is the one controlling the money and knows how much money he has to spend on his hobby.
She willingly gives him extra when he asks for it and pays for things he can't afford as he has used his money such as meals out.
Unless there is going to be a drip feed that she is scared of his reaction if he can't have the money then I don't see it as abuse, and actually see the issue is that he is oblivious to how much he spends and how much is being picked up by his partner.
As she says the best strategy might be to say no each time he asks for money and to have a month where hopefully he will learn that they can't go out for a meal as he can't pay his share.

You just have to stop paying for things OP. He currently has no consequences to his frivolous spending. If you want to go out for a meal/drinks/day out ask him if he can afford to come or has he spend his 'fun' budget up on his hobby? If he has then arrange to do it with someone else.

It would be cheaper to have a pet.

Whilst I repeat my suggestion that you simply stop giving him your money @Hey56 may I introduce you to the word an?
An ice-cream
An activity
An example

He sounds about 12. What on earth do you see in him?

Fucking hell OP. He sure saw you coming.
You subsidise him in almost every way.
You are wasting your money on his hobby (ebay purchases) and his children. I really do hope that you wake up and grow a backbone, and start acting in your and your children’s best interests. He is not a good bloke.

He is not a good bloke. Good blokes don't act like irresponsible teenagers. Agree a personal spend limit and stick to it. Go out for meals with friends and your DC if he wants to keep his money for his hobby. Personally I'd dump him. Stop giving your money to his DC too.

YABU for funding his life to this extent. For example, why are you buying him a card for his father? It’s cheap but it’s unclear why you’re doing it?