AIBU to stop subsidising my partner's hobby and his spending?

[Hey56]

Partner has a hobby that he spends money on and collects things but will never get half the money back that he spends on these items what it's is, is irrelevant but the spending is driving me insane we both have x amount of money at end of the month and pot pays bills and rent etc,
He's always asking for extra, afew hundred quid here and there as there is a must have he wants I know I'm soft to say yes but I basically hold the purse strings as is, but let's just say we are not well off by any means and when something like the car breaks or whatever we get down to a basic amount of savings and I'd like to have a bigger pot as life has a habit of not aways going to plan so save whilst we can is my motto!
I get annoyed as if it's birthday Xmas or we go anywhere 90 percent of it I pay out my spends and I know if I allocated money for joint days out etc it'd be bumf gone as soon as it arrives!
I've had words on many a occasion and say calm it but he gets obsessed with it and drives me mad!
I will say he doesn't get into debt, and it not something for reasons I'd rather not go into he can buy and sell easily!
Do I suck it up and think we'll of I want days out and meals out just I pay or do we literally start doing nothing as he's always skint due to the buying!
I have considered doing things with family and friends and not going out for meals with him do nice activities with him due to the money I really find myself buying shit just to feel like he's not the only one getting treats!
Thinking maybe if the days out or meals out suddenly stop and I start saying sorry I'm skint what will he do!
We both have kids (older) and it's me that ends up treating his kids to stuff as mine are financially better off but I feel this is unfair as it should be him treating his kids not me, generally a good bloke not selfish, helps out etc with home duties but god, honest if you was to read a bank statement it's pure ebay purchases! Gr

Tell him to get a job?

It sounds like socialising, kids presents etc come out of your own spending money rather than the joint pot. I’d tell him that due to his lack of budgeting this is going to change so let’s say you keep £200 pm in the pot for this kind of thing you reduce your individual spending money by £100 each. It will make him more responsible and you’ll be better off.

@Hey56 I could feel your stress and frustration as I read your post. This is obviously causing you a lot of worry. It is not unreasonable to want an emergency fund but he seems to live in the moment and not have a thought for the future. I couldn’t live like that, and it doesn’t sound like you want to either.
Also, I would be hurt that he can prioritise (over) spending on his hobby but never have the money to spend on having fun with you. It begs the question, are you the person he loves and chooses to spend his life with or are you a housemate who shares bills, chores and then gives him money when he runs out?

I don't know why you give into him and give him your money or pay for his older kids, when presumably you each have a fair share of whatever money is remaining. You say he's generally a good bloke, so why do you feel that you can't say no when he wants extra money?
He sounds very much like a teenager who has spent all their pocket money in one go and then wants more.
He probably won't like it but if you are worried about money for bigger things not being available then you need to each have a smaller allowance.
You say you hold the purse strings, so is he actually aware of how much things cost and how little remains at the end of the month?
How long have you been together for and to what extent are finances linked?

Men and their wretched ‘hobbies’ - I hate that word anyway, always sounds nerdy to me, even if it’s not a nerdy activity.

Doesn't sound like you have young children at home, so maybe it's better that you have a 50:50 split on bills (including a buffer into savings for repairs etc), and then keep the rest of your salaries each for discretionary spends. If he wants more than he currently has, he can earn more.

He needs to learn the art of delayed gratification. Tell him to save up for the things he wants. Maybe even start him a separate savings pot (that only comes out of HIS money) so he can see what's in there and how he's getting on. It won't help, of course, he'll empty it every month and then coming begging to you, but at least you can say you've tried.

And don't give him another penny. Unless his 'hobby' is something like horses, where animals would suffer if underfunded, but it doesn't sound like it is, with his 'collection'.

Tell him from today you are saving for something big for yourself so you won't have spare money.

Start putting that money aside in a savings account to do whatever you want with. When it's not in your current account anymore it'll be easier to say 'no I don't have it' when he asks.

if you end up saving lots spend it ONLY on yourself or your family

have a think about how this dynamic started and what comes up for you when you feel you have to say yes

Stop putting up with the Star Wars toys buying or whatever it is. I know a couple who divorced over this as she could see that their future was going to be poorer because of it.

Currently, you are paying to have a boyfriend.

I'd be thrilled if I was him!

It's pretty selfish to think you should take on a disproportionate share of normal household spending and presents for his kids so he can buy crap off the internet OP.

I too wonder what would happen if you started to say no to the requests, what he'd do. And I think you should try it.

Have a conversation with him about what’s going on, because he can’t seem to see it, and tell him it’s not fair and it’s not happening anymore. He needs to prioritise his kids and go halves with you.
Tell him to budget for what he wants and he’s only going to be able to buy the thing maybe every 3 months when he’s saved up.
such a selfish man and you’re being taken full advantage of. This man prioritises himself and you can probably see it in other areas of your life.

You need to be firm, this is what boundaries are for.

Why are you repeatedly paying 90% instead of putting your foot down. If it's for a quiet life remember the saying 'when you keep quiet to keep the peace, you start a war within yourself '

Sorry to be blunt but this is as much a you problem as a him problem.

I'd be wondering why his first marriage broke up and asking hard questions about why your dc are better off than his.

He sounds greedy and selfish to me. Sorry but I couldn't put up with him.

Why are you in a relationship with this over aged teen?
Can't understand why women put up with shit men, know they are shit men and THEN have to come on to MN and moan about their shit men. Knowing full well that a lot of peeps will say ltb but they find excuses to say with said shit men?🙄

Since you always say yes to giving him money maybe he thinks it isn't a problem, maybe he can't see beyond his obsessive collecting. Either way, it needs to stop @Hey56 , all that money could be boosting your pension funds or being saved instead. Add up how much you've given him in the last year or two, then tell him how much he's had off you and now it needs to stop, he can only use his own money.
Don't let him put you off, they'll always be another item he wants and it won't ever stop

You say he's not selfish, but this sounds 100% selfish. And childish, I want, I want, I want, like a child. Fine to have hobbies, but not when it deprives you of other things you could be doing. You said you allocate the money, could you give him a certain amount each month, and when he's spent it, he's spent it? You'd have to mean it though.

Lord no, stop this madness. If he can’t afford fun things because he is spending too much money on bloody Warhammer figurines like a 12 year old, then he doesn’t go. Do you live together? He pays proportionate to his income into an account from which all bills are paid based on your budget. Whatever money is leftover is his to spend on his toys and personal expenses. When it’s gone, it’s gone.

If he runs out of money, great, he can sell some stuff and he will have money again. If he can’t go out for a meal, you don’t go or you go with someone else. If you’re struggling for money anyway, I certainly wouldn’t be going out for meals. But I definitely wouldn’t be paying for him.

I have an expensive hobby. Costs me about £400 a month. Dh does not subsidise me. I adjust my life to be able to pay all my bills.

Tell him he can spend on his hobby but he needs to put x amount in the shared bills account and x in the savings account for emergencies and social spending and whatever is left over, you are both free to spend. Dont give him extra money.

Does he work?

It's pokemon cards, right?

No because pokemon cards hold their worth & then some.

He clearly is selfish though isn't he. Yeah stop giving him money, stop paying for things for him and his kids.

It never ceases to amaze how much crap women are prepared to put up with from absolutely pathetic men in the name of ‘love’

He is using you as an ATM. Wise up!!

Maybe the reason "He isn't getting into debt" is because you are helping fund his obsession.

It's sad and selfish that his hobby has taken over that way.

Why does he get a special privilege to provide the bare minimum for his DC and never reciprocate the efforts you make?