AIBU to stop subsidising my partner's hobby and his spending?

[Hey56]

Partner has a hobby that he spends money on and collects things but will never get half the money back that he spends on these items what it's is, is irrelevant but the spending is driving me insane we both have x amount of money at end of the month and pot pays bills and rent etc,
He's always asking for extra, afew hundred quid here and there as there is a must have he wants I know I'm soft to say yes but I basically hold the purse strings as is, but let's just say we are not well off by any means and when something like the car breaks or whatever we get down to a basic amount of savings and I'd like to have a bigger pot as life has a habit of not aways going to plan so save whilst we can is my motto!
I get annoyed as if it's birthday Xmas or we go anywhere 90 percent of it I pay out my spends and I know if I allocated money for joint days out etc it'd be bumf gone as soon as it arrives!
I've had words on many a occasion and say calm it but he gets obsessed with it and drives me mad!
I will say he doesn't get into debt, and it not something for reasons I'd rather not go into he can buy and sell easily!
Do I suck it up and think we'll of I want days out and meals out just I pay or do we literally start doing nothing as he's always skint due to the buying!
I have considered doing things with family and friends and not going out for meals with him do nice activities with him due to the money I really find myself buying shit just to feel like he's not the only one getting treats!
Thinking maybe if the days out or meals out suddenly stop and I start saying sorry I'm skint what will he do!
We both have kids (older) and it's me that ends up treating his kids to stuff as mine are financially better off but I feel this is unfair as it should be him treating his kids not me, generally a good bloke not selfish, helps out etc with home duties but god, honest if you was to read a bank statement it's pure ebay purchases! Gr

You need to learn to say no. YABU for saying yes all the time.

I’d pay the bills
save an agreed amount
divide the remainder in two and he gets his share and nothing more.

You keep giving him money because he gets angry with you if you don't.

You pay for him to go out with you and for his children's treats, because he'll get angry if you don't.

You go without while you sit and watch him buy meaningless shit on eBay, with your money.

What exactly are you in this relationship for?

All of this.

@Hey56
Why on earth would you subsidise this loser.

How on earth is he 'a generally decent man, not selfish' as you go on to describe him?

Apologies but I really don't understand how women find these losers attractive in the least.

just stop. and put the money into savings for you and your children.

I like how he says he does not get int debt, when actually he does - with you. It doesn't sound like a hobby, it sounds like an obsession and he's behaving badly imo, putting the pressure on you while allowing you to pick up the tab everywhere else.

This sounds really frustrating. Can you have a sit down and agree a budget between you including how much goes to the joint pot for bills and discretionary spending on meals holidays whatever you are currently forking out for. He agrees to put that money into a pot that is used for those purposes only. And agree spending money for each of you which covers his hobby and savings money. And then stick to it. No subsidising. If he can't stick to it or just doesn't want to spend money on joint socialising I'd be rethinking if I want to stay in the relationship tbh. Or this will be the rest of your life.

I voted YABU for continuing to subsidise him.
If you feel afraid to stop then you are in an abusive relationship and need to get help from a domestic abuse service.

When he next says he doesn't have any debt - be ready with a list and total amount of all you have subsidised him over the years. Tell him that's his debt. Subtract that amount from any debt you have.

Has he ever paid you back! If not then he IS in debt - to YOU!!! He asks you for money like a child? Doesn’t pay it back and then asks you for more?!!! STOP giving him anything and certainly don’t give his kids anything either - point them to their dad and tell him to stop buying shit off eBay parent his own fking kids 🤬

Op you say he doesn't get into debt, but essentially he does - he is indebted to you because you're the one subsidising it. He's happy to put you under financial pressure and to reduce your ability to have your own luxuries in life because he's prioritising his own and not managing his money. He's treating you like his mother not his partner.

I would say that you need to sit down with him and go through your finances together. I'd open a monzo for short term saving and put an agreed amount of money into that a month for Christmas holidays bdays etc. You can make pots for things and label them which is handy. I'd look again at shared bills and make sure they're fairly split by your salaries ie if one of you earns 20% more that person needs to pay in 20% more towards bills and savings.

Agree those amounts so you're clear on it and then tell him explicitly that you are not subsidising his hobbies any more. That it is up to him to budget his leftover spending money to save up and get what he wants, but it's not fair for him to keep eating into your spending money.

But op then you need to stick to it.

Personally this would be giving me the ick and if he didn't step up and sort himself out and start contributing properly after that I'd genuinely be rethinking the relationship.

Yes, and the posting style is very similar. Told all the same things then. And yet here we are again. Or if there’s more than one woman subsidising a man child, please take all the good advice here!!

My DH has an expensive and niche hobby. Our earnings all go in one account and each month we take an agreed amount as our own personal money to spend as we wish. Money for days out, meals etc all come from the joint account not our personal money. That way no-one feels hard done by due to unequal spending.

I was going to reply the same thing, although it doesn't excuse the borrowing from OP! If it is Pokémon, he'll easily be able to sell some of his collection and probably make a tidy profit on it

Hesnto a good thing with you that's for sure, why are you being such a mug?

I really find myself buying shit just to feel like he's not the only one getting treats!

If you reorganise how your finances are managed, then the money you would have spent on buying crap to even things up you can instead put into savings in your own name.

You need a joint current account, a current account each, and a savings account for yourself. He can also have a savings account - that is up to him.

There are two basic options: you either have all income paid into the joint and then transfer an amount into each of your current accounts after the bills and shopping are paid, or alternatively you both get income paid into your personal accounts and agree how much you each need to pay into the joint account.

In the joint current account, keep an absolute minimum, enough to cover all the direct debits at the start of the month and do a big shop for the month. Just enough for weekly top ups of fresh food is all you need to have in there after the first few days of the month. If he want to spend it, you say "No, X is for a top up shop next week and X for the next two weeks after, so there is none to spare".

Consider not having joint savings, or keep them to a minimum and tell him specifically what they are for: 'the money in the joint savings is £X hundred for the car's next MOT, X for our holiday, X for Christmas, so no, you can't have any of it because there is none to spare".

Never, ever give him money from your personal current or savings accounts. He is transferred each month the same money as you, and if he chooses to spend instead of save, that is nothing to do with you.

When it comes to treating your adult offspring, you just have to accept that it is you who will be paying, because he is a selfish spendthrift. That is your choice, if you want to spend your money on them.

YABU for asking if you should continue being an idiot. You're giving him money at the expense of what you want to do AND paying for hid children's extras? What's the matter with you?

I would feel that I was being used and I would stop subsidising him altogether.

You are not his cash cow.

Yes both have money coming in and no haven't posted before 🤣🤣, thanks for advice I feel mean if I don't allow him his""fun money" but I wondered opnion on if I should stop spending "" my"share on us,
Lucky we have extra cash after bills I know,
I will consider how to change things in future

Good idea

his fun money should be from His money IMO
my sister had an ex husband like this - different hobbies which she helped pay towards
he eventually traded her in with a nail tech where he was having his sunbed sessions.
laughed at her when getting divorced and all her money going on. Childcare he paid £20 a month CSA
roll on 15+ years she is retiring this year aged 55yrs and he has at least another 13yrs to go
shes had the last laugh.

I will consider how to change things in future

"Please mum wife, can I have some money for sweeties my grown-up boy hobby?"

"No"

There you are, saved you lots of 'consider time' there

I think you're unreasonable to be annoyed about this when you've been the one giving him the money all this time. Of course he will keep asking!

Bleurgh, another manchild.

Stop being "soft".

Separate finances. Or if you won't do that then stick strictly to the fun money allowance and don't subsidise him.

You hold more cards than you realise. You both have an income, not married, no joint kids (I think). You hold the purse strings. Just say no, it's entirely within your control to solve this problem yourself.

I will say he doesn't get into debt

Well yes he does. It's just that it's you he owes the money to. OK, you might not be giving it to him with any expectation of repayment but the principle is the same. And if you didn't keep bailing him out then yes, he probably would get into debt.

Whilever you keep giving him the money he'll keep spending it. He doesn't need these things, he just wants them. Tough.

Definitely stop giving it to him, stop subsidising him. And make sure any savings are in an account he can't get at.

He is in debt, to you. How many thousands are you down? What could that have been spent on? A holiday, supporting your children, invested to be worth tens of thousands by now?

It’s such a cheeky, sly debt too. As you don’t keep track of a few hundred here and there, he knows you haven’t asked to be repaid and he can innocently say he isn’t in debt. Ha!

Yes I’ve definitely read this before. Don’t understand why people constantly post the same thing hoping for different answers, the answers won’t change.