To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

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DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

Ops daughter is looking for casual sex with older men. Assuming she's not got issues, she's presumably thinking any or all of a. Better off than lads my age so better dates b. Will have Ve his own house so no need to sneak past Mom c. More experience so a better lover or similar. If she can go for older men for better sex / privacy / dates, why can't he go for younger women for similarly shallow reason?

Can you try and use your words and explain whu it's OK for an 80 year old to be with a 47 year old but not a 46 year old? And given the age gap of 33 years, why it's ok at 80-47 but not 78-45?

Both of my daughters are in their late teens/early twenties, so I spend time around people in their early twenties most days. I cannot fathom why someone my age would want to date one of them. They're loud, annoyingly opinionated, cannot ever be wrong, yet need constant reassurance about the most minor things. And they overthink everything.

Maybe your opinion had rubbed off on your DD and she's taken the same view about dating anyone her own age.

@oliviaAustin ‘Valued for her appearance’ vs ‘caring what others think’ mean the same thing bozo.

No they don't.

If a man values a woman solely for her appearance, he's valuing her solely on what she does for him.

It's not about other people.

And since when did it only refer to the 0.1%? Passport bros also come to mind.

The "passport bro" phenomenon is completely overblown because of the internet. There are almost no men who go to different countries to find partners.

Though to address your point... being in a different country means you definitely don't care what other people think... because you're in a country where you don't know a single person!

@OonaStubbs I will say it again, the "Half your age plus 7" rule should be enshrined into law. It would solve so many problems.

Why should there be a restriction on a 50 year old woman to have a relationship with a man younger than 32? Is it right to control women in that manner?

OP at the core of it, you have acknowledged she is a grown up that can make her own decisions. It's lovely she feels she can talk in detail to you about it, but as her mum you are not a best mate that should be told all the gory details as you will get over-invested. Don't beat yourself up, that's natural as a mum who is hearing a bit too much about it all.

If I were you I'd have a conversation and say "I love you. I know you're an adult, and I respect you as an adult, but you have to understand that as your mum I will always feel protective of you. I want you to be able to tell me anything, but you have to understand that I'll have feelings about it as your mum. I can't be objective when it comes to you. So I do have worries about this guy because of the age gap, and as your mum I will let you know my feelings. But, please also talk to your friends and sisters to get a more objective view because i can't give you that"

💯 % agree with you.... and sadly there is absolutely sweet FA you can do about it. She knows your views, youve been true to your values. But, try not to show so much distain that she's alienated. If she has a relationship with him... you need to stay close and support her when inevitablely goes tits up. 🤞crossed he's just inadequate, not abusive, like my daughter's much older man experience 🤬.

What other ridiculous laws do you propose?

I'd prefer that to a 50-year-old legally being able to groom and fuck a 16-year-old, as it currently stands.

And there's always a random cut-off. Why is it okay to bang someone who's sixteen, but not the day before their birthday at fifteen? What makes that one day so much better (or worse). Or if the age was eighteen, as it is overseas in some places - what makes eighteen okay and not seventeen?

I like the half your age plus seven rule – but I agree, it is a bit pointless once the younger person is twenty-five though. Let it be a free for all, after that, lol.

My best guess is he has children and he needs a live-in babysitter. Plus sex for himself, of course. If she signs up for that scenario she'll be working long hours probably for little to no money. Please update if he does have school age kids. Make sure she asks him that question.

A million percent. I think back to how I was in my 20s and I was so naive and put up a LOT from men. I wouldn’t do that now. Hence why they go for younger women. It’s gross.

This has red flags all over it. Yuck!

My exDH even said to me I was so much easier to get along with than other women (his own age). I took it as a compliment at 22. At 32 I realised that it was because I'd had no boundaries or life experience outside university as an adult. I was therefore putty in his hands, to be moulded into the person he wanted me to be before I had a chance to work out who I wanted to be.

You are right to be concerned imho and crappy experience
i don’t want to say too much so if you find inconsistency it’s bc I’m changing details to keep my stupid mistake private
when I was younger naive and thought I knew it all I dated someone in a similar situation- it was fun at first, partly because of the things you have said. He could afford to do things with me. I had access a trust fund at 21 and wanted to experience life, my age group couldn’t afford it. It wasn’t long before he spotted things I should buy for him. Consent is not informed consent, grooming happens at any age.
be careful love bombing, grooming, manipulation, control, it doesn’t end well. But I never saw it until it was too late.
listen to her, offer to meet him early and keep the peace with your dd. Let’s just say they flourish and are in love - in twenty years she’ll be his age, and he’ll be near retirement!! That is a sobering truth as well.

It’s quite amusing how many posters are simultaneously worried about young women ending up in controlling relationships whilst simultaneously saying a new actual law should be introduced to control what age men they can sleep with.

Happened to me! 25 years of misery before I managed to break free. It was dramatic much 🥺

Because thats the nature of age restrictions, for anything

The day before you become a legal adult
The day before you can legally retire
The day before you qualify for your bus pass
The day after you no longer qualify for a young persons rail card
The day before you can legally leave EET

These are all cut offs, the age of consent is no different.

I think you've misunderstood me - that was my point to the other poster. That there's always a random cut-off, but you have to draw a line somewhere.

I can’t get past OPs ‘I’d rather she stay a virgin until her wedding day’
Hello, the 1950s are calling. Maybe that’s just me 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s one of the difficult moments in parenting when your child is to old to be protected and you have to watch them make mistakes. I wouldn’t say much other that what you have already said to her. Encourage her to introduce her friends to him young people are all about peer pressure/support and a group of young adults is a lot for a 40 year old they will give her an opinion that will sadly hold more than a parents.
I would be worried he’s incapable of a successful relationship with people of his age he might have no emotional maturity did he buy the house alone or has a relationship broken down is there debt kids of his own is he looking for a free Nannie for them?
In the next 10-15 years she will probably want a family he will be 50-55 and not want to be running around after a toddler I’m not sure what the attraction is. Where is her dad and what is his opinion on this? I would be worried he’s trying to exploit her in some way either as a trophy to show off and inflate his ego or a Nannie for existing kids. Cleaner and bill share for his house. Without any ownership marriage what’s his family like? Have you seen photos of him dose he look like a decent man or a bloke from weatherspoons on a Saturday afternoon. This could derail her life don’t say anything directly but keep a very close watch on it and speak to her friends about how coercive control and exploitation are such awful situations nowadays giving them tools so they recognise signs. She needs the confidence to get out of something that dosnt work and the knowledge that she has family support if something goes wrong tell her to enjoy herself and if the first date is crap she should block him and find someone much fitter from her gym for example)🤣 let’s hope that’s the case.

I see stuff like this discussed online and think about when I was 19 and dated a 40 year old man. We both had three year old sons at the same nursery and because of that he felt the same age as me.
Not sure how I feel about it in regards to other people though a bit weird probably wouldn’t want my daughter dating someone so old.

Mumsnet age gap police are out in force again
Anyone would think that people of the same age don't break up and divorce😀

You know nobody lol who isn't happy in a age gap relationship . You don't know any couples who are the same age and got married but never got divorced?
Weird.

Right? It's whole new language and culture. I'm only 31 but when we have work experience people come who are early 20's I don't understand them much 🤣

I met my ex-husband at work when I was 18. We started seeing each other when I was 21 & he was 41. It wasn't weird or creepy. We were together for 15 years, married for 10 & had a child. May to December relationships have always happened and girls/women do tend to mature a lot faster than boys/men.