Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

Say it together … nanny with a fanny! Poor bloke, is his interchangeable childcare provider trying to have a life on Saturdays? He should have ordered a better interchangeable childcare provider who did not want to see friends and family.

This is not the relationship for you, @Chillonthesarnie
You don't want a ready-made family and your partner expects you to be the mum when you are at home and take over child care so he can have hobbies. You have to end it. It isn't working and it likely won't. An expression from MN comes to mind: Your partner wants a nanny with a fanny.

So he goes out most evenings for hobbies or to see friends, whilst you presumably babysit on the days his DD is there.

I was thinking about this too. You said in your OP:

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

As you have his DD for five nights a week I assume that means that for at least some, if not all of those nights you are the unpaid babysitter. Sorry OP, he doesn't value you for you, he's not in this because he loves you, he's in it because you make his life so much easier. He's off living a pretty much bachelor lifestyle and wants you there to enable it. It's sad for his DD but it's time you see this relationship for what it is and make plans to go back to the friends and family who are currently three hours away.

This
it clearly isn’t working for you
Leave him and move back nearer your family would be my advice

I wouldn’t waste my time with this situation.
I never dated men who had children in my single life a long time ago, a wise woman advised us against it as a child.

Have you missed the bit in the OP where she says My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Run!

You’re not selfish @Chillonthesarnie , on the contrary. You’ve been an amazing partner and step mother. Sadly your partner sees you as sex and a nanny, not much else. You need to go back home for your sanity and self respect.

You can see your family and friends by moving out of your partner’s home and back to your family and friends who care for you.

He doesn’t care about you.

He’s using you.

Leave.

He's being unreasonable..
You need to have a conversation with him about why he expects you to look after his DC pretty much 5 days a week while her own DM has her only twice, and never on a weekend.

If custody is 50/50 you need to remind him he's talking to the wrong person...in turn he needs to remind his ex.

I think you should increase the amount of time you spend out of the home both at weekends and in the week (join a gym, your MH will benefit greatly) - just so his dd gets used to seeing less of you. And at the same time, look for a new job back home, and when you have found a good one, wave bye bye to your emotional blackmailer and his daughter and go back tonyour own life.

Have a think back to how keen he was to move you in? Unfortunately for the next sucker, he will replace you quite quickly.

Why do you plan things for his kid? She's there to be with her dad not you. Who looks after her when he's out in the evenings?

Honestly I'd move out, he's using you for free childcare.

You're not being unreasonable, but equally it doesn't sound like that relationship is working. Don't be afraid of seeking a life that will make you happy.

Why didn’t she think about how she would manage with hobbies and seeing family if this mattered ? She moved three hours away. Seeing them regularly is a six hour drive. She works full time.

This poster is definitely the OP’s useless partner.

Well it might be mum being unreasonable as she seems to decide not to have her child except for two days in midweek. There may be a valid reason for that though.

Another loser man wanting a nanny with a fanny and trying to keep her away from her own family and interests because he’s not actually interested in parenting his own child, and neither is the child’s actual mother. Please dump this man.

No I am not !
I just think the whole situation is a mess. That was potentially avoidable.

I really hate that expression. And used by women it seems somehow worse.

He sounds very controlling, why shouldn’t you see friends and family.

Tough. It’s an accurate description of these loser, user men.

@Chillonthesarnie you are having family time...time with YOUR family! Is he doing nothing to be part of your circle? Just transplanting you??? Would he even fit in with your friends and family?

Go towards what nourishes you. You work so hard💐💐💐

What do you mean tough ? Why be so hostile ?

Agree