Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

Leave

I'm with the majority who thinks this man is being overly demanding and selfish. Of course you have to maintain your relationships with family and friends and the weekend is the only time you can do this. Take a long cold look at this relationship; is he the man you thought he was, do you want to have children with him, what do you think your respective roles will be when you do?

This

Beautifully put

Get out today

Move back, get your life back.

Op is not married to this man, she has no parental responsabilities and if they broke up she would have no legal recourse to see the child.

This is absolutely the fathers responsability to care for HIS daugther.

And to say @Monty36 op is already babysitting for free for this man in the evenings so he can socialise with his friends and family but doesn't afford op the same despite her moving 3hrs away to be with him.... you feel this is fair? Don't be daft.

Literally, he sees you as a nanny with a fanny.

You need to lay it out for him. You love her, but she's not your child. You're not childcare for her. You have your own family and friends and want to spend some of your free time with them.

Hes ok with leaving you every night for his hobbies and leaving you to look after his kid. Noway keep doing what you want.

Are you able to leave OP? I’m assuming your job in healthcare is close by.

Could you start applying for roles near your family and friends? Maybe stay with them a bit before getting a place of your own. What’s your escape plan?

Has op left the thread? Are you there op because honestly there is some fantastic guidance ( not just advice) on this thread.

if you want to answer:
how did you meet your partner?
What is the age difference?
is there an income disparity that means he’s providing housing/ lifestyle you can’t afford alone?

im thinking he’s older with more money and he intentionally sought a younger childless
female ( because he doesn’t want to parent someone else’s child alone) and provides a nice house. This is all by his design. And if you met via social media/ apps ( 3 hrs apart) it was very very strategic on his part

he sees you as a nanny with a fanny

Exactly what I came on to say

Move home OP where your family and friends are.

@Monty36 , You become a family.
If he dumped her, she would not have any connection with the child. She'd probably never see the child ever again.

Parents who are still living together and raising a joint child together dont spend every spare moment together as “family time”

It is very normal and healthy for parents to have interests and hobbies and time away from the family unit. So being as this child isn’t even yours he can get fucked if he thinks he can blackmail you about having a life away from the family home.

You’ve moved very far for him and you’re away from family and friends, if anything he should be encouraging you to take the time to go and visit them and keep connections.

This is a classic case of a Dad expecting his new girlfriend to fill the role of mummy and do all of the childcare and heavy lifting. This is not your child and you should not be expected to be parenting them.

Do not have children with this man. If you think he’s being a tosser now just wait until the child is actually biologically yours. He’ll be expecting even more from you and doing even less himself.

Where do you work now? Do you have a huge commute each day?

You seem to have given up a lot to live with this man. Do you think it’s worth it? It sounds like you miss your old life a lot.

i think your p is being v really selfish. His daughter, up to him to look after her.

If he goes out a lot in the week, what do you do in the evenings? Do you ever spend time together?

What would your ideal life look like?

That's highly unusual. Most men don't have friends.

It is so common in fact, that there is endless commentary from women online about how frustrated and emotionally drained they are that they are having to carry the emotional burden of their male partners, because their male partners don't have anyone else to connect with. The term is "mankeeping."

So another nanny with fanny sorry to say

you have his daughter while he goes out in the evenings ?

it’s not 50/50 and why doesn’t mum have weekends - I find they so weird

how did you meet him as 3hrs away - you’ve moved your life for him and he doesn’t seem to care for you

@shuggles

eh?! Most people- men and women- don’t ’grow out’ of having friendships. Friendships are for life! They are very important

I was in a similar situation with my ex. Apart from I also had a child with him. I woukd never date a man with a child again. It works for some people but I just have no attraction to even spending time with other people's kids. Took me a long time to realise it though.

OP you work long hours , look after his child during evenings to facilitate his hobbies / socialising, and he begrudges you one day a week to see your own friends / have hobbies of your own. You've given up your life to be his live in nanny.

So true!
Run 🚩🚩🚩

Haven't RTFT, but my immediate reaction is that he and his daughter aren't the same kind of family as if she were your daughter, too. If she were, I'd say YWBU to leave her with him most of the day for half of the weekend on a regular basis. But seeing as she's his daughter and only your SD (and not even that, as you aren't married)—and that you live too far from your family to see them any other time—it's not quite the same. (Especially since he was perfectly happy leaving you to care for his daughter when you allowed it. Not so worried about the sanctity of 'family time' then, was he? 🙄) It does feel like he just doesn't like being left alone with his daughter for the day.

I'd be reconsidering all aspects of my relationship with this man. If you want to stay together, you'll have to negotiate so that you get enough time with your family without him complaining. (Btw, he's a jerk for suggesting that you shouldn't need the support of your family/friends or want to visit them often, when possible. That was just a nasty thing to say.)

I was thinking the same.
Personally I'd leave them to it and just move back home

So he's getting time for friends and hobbies during the week (are you minding his DD those evenings?) but if you want to do the same on one weekend day then you're selfish. Um..no.

Is there any chance of evening out the access so that it's back to 50:50 and maybe every other weekend? If not then this will no doubt be your life going forward. He doesn't want the responsibility of parenting solo, even for one day. He sounds like the selfish one OP. Give a lot of thought to whether you will accept this continuing.

Let’s be honest family isn’t all anyone needs, it’s not enough for ANYONE . People needs friends, career, hobbies, exercise, outside interests etc etc to maintain their wellbeing and mental health. He is proving that really well