Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

If you take the child out of this and the expectation of free childcare, which is a problem in itself. You have a man who is trying to isolate you from your friends and family. He already has you 3 hours away from them and is now attempting to make you feel like you are immature and are in the wrong for wanting to maintain relationships with your family and friends. Trying to make you believe that he alone should be enough for you.
You need to leave. It will only get worse.

@Chillonthesarnie I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

What on earth are you doing during those 10 hours? Just to see friends and family?

It also seems to be a very high frequency for seeing friends and family, as it's every single weekend. Your husband is coming at this from a man's perspective, as men tend to lose all of their friends by their late 20s or early 30s, which is why he sees this as child-like.

She tried that and was more than willing but he started exploiting it and taking the piss. A reasonable man who cared as much for his child and partner as he does for himself would have recognised and appreciated that and not sought to take the piss. If he had been decent, everything would be golden for all of them. Given she can't go back in time and foresee his cuntery her obligation now is to herself.

She can't be blamed for, or expected to mitigate, the behaviour of the child's actual two living parents.

So he gets to see his friends and family but you’re not allowed to see yours? Yeah, that sounds great 🙄

I don’t think your partner sounds very nice OP

It was ok for him to take advantage at the beginning and do his own thing, but now you are being told to grow up?

I don’t think he is worthy of you.

With respect, 98% of nearly 750 people’s opinions says you are not being unreasonable.

The majority of comments on here say your partner is being manipulative and is guilt tripping you in an effort to reduce his parenting responsibilities and shift them onto you. He’s resorted to emotional blackmail to undermine your confidence. It’s no wonder that your MH has taken a dip. In response, you are trying to remedy that and find support from friends and family.

Yet you respond to the one unhelpful and accusatory post on this thread. You haven’t gone to the other extreme, you’ve carved out one day for yourself. Your partner’s response is to tell you to ‘grow up’ yet he goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends? So it’s okay for him to not think it’s enough to be just a family, but not okay for you?

It is extremely difficult for women to stop feeding like they have to justify their actions and emotions to others. And so difficult to break away from feeling your role is the support person. It does seem that you might benefit from working on your boundaries and self belief. If you’re the doctor who’s posted before, counselling could be useful. Accessed through the NHS employee assistance programme. On a night he tries to go out with friends.

Good luck

Nanny with a fanny. Chuck him back. There’s no shame in going back home. I’m sure he’ll be quick to try to recruit another one. Poor kid.

You should be MORE selfish, not less!

Do you want this to be the rest of your life? It wouldn't be for me. Move back to the people who actually care about and support you.

@OneAquaFatballpost says it all and very logically and succinctly particularly the very first paragraph which can apply to all relationships all the time.

OK, I'll concede that it might be too harsh given I don't know the ins and outs. But unless she's in a work situation that makes it impossible to have her DD more, or the low contact is due to health issues (possible, I realise), it's difficult to understand why a parent would have so little contact time with a small child. And tbh a lot of people on here are quick to holler deadbeat dad in situations where men have only 2 days with their DC.

You’ve posted about this before, haven’t you?

YABU to move in and organize fun family time. Sounds like the stereotypical nanny with a fanny situation. Getting out of there is the solution imho.

That is not the OP's problem to solve.

I would say that, far from being unreasonable, it is essential for you to see your family and friends.

Why are you being selfish and "family should be enough" but he's not when he's out most nights seeing friends or doing hobbies? Why aren't you enough for him?

He's the selfish one, @Chillonthesarnie , and he's trying to manipulate you so that you get to do most of the child care.

It worked for a while at weekends until you realised what he was doing!

Does he make and give his daughter dinner, bath her, and put her to bed every night before going out? Or is that your job?

If I were you i would be thinking hard about what is really important to you.
Consider moving back to your family and friends, and visiting him one day a week at the weekend. Or not - just have a clean break.

To help you decide, have a read through some of the others stepmums' threads on here, especially those about older children they've been living with for a while - most of it is not good.

I didn’t suggest it was.

She has a 6 hour round trip to her friends or family.

OP moved so far away because of him.

I can’t believe he goes out most evenings. If you were in a proper relationship he would want to spend time with you. I can’t believe you babysit his child for him.

He should be thrilled to one to one time with his dd as he misses out on seeing her half the week. Dh and I have 2 dc together and even we don’t spend all of every weekend with our own dc or together! Dh is away all this weekend. We were both away last weekend with one child each. Not at all unusual for us to each have a day or part of the day a few times a month doing something else. Even parents don’t spend every weekend with their children who live with them full time.

I mean, I think he probably does need to give some consideration to his contact arrangements. It doesn’t quite seem right that his dd misses every weekend with her mum. They should both be having weekends with her. And then he’d also have more time to spend with you. But realistically, it doesn’t sound like this relationship has legs long term. He kinda wants a nanny. You kinda still want your friends and family you moved away from. There are more fish in the sea and this one doesn’t sound all that great.

This relationship is not for you it doesn't make you or him happy it probably doesn't make his daughter happy so much stress and blaming each other. No understanding or real communication or even commitment from either if you just call it a day and move on with your life.

Hmm. In other words, bad bad OP for having a sense of self and not letting herself be walked all over. And still no mention of any accountability on the mother's part.

I give up, you're clearly not open any perspectives other than your own.

And a six hour commute is a lot. Start spending the night and splitting the commute between two days. I say this a parent who has a 4 hr round trip to see my DS at uni and it’s never enough time together. I can sleep there and it’s reasonably comfortable to stay there but not great sleeping in the couch. Stay with friends and parents.

Please leave this unspeakable cunt as fast as you can. Go and reclaim your life.

Who are these men who have lost all their friends by their late 20s/30s?! 😂 I don’t know any of them. Dh is 40 and still has plenty of lovely friends, some from school, some from uni, some dad friends from school. He’s away this weekend with friends and family. He sees a friend probably once a month for a catch up or an activity or a night away doing something. I certainly don’t know any men in their 30s or 40s who don’t seem to have any friends.