Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

Nobody made her move three hours away to be with him. That was her choice.
And nobody I know travels six hours every weekend to see family.
If she regrets her decision she should be open about that. And honest to herself.

He didn't. Did you read the OP?

He thinks you're selfish for having a day a week to yourself, well you need to remind him that all those evenings when he goes out are selfish, I bet he doesn't ask if you mind, he just goes.
You made a big, big mistake taking over care of his DC at the start @Chillonthesarnie , now he's not grateful to you, he feels entitled to your time. You're not his child's mother, you aren't responsible for them, he is.
I think a pp was quite right, I think your mental health would improve massively if you left and went home

Your bf wanted a bangmaidnanny and you're it. He's trying to guilt you into not seeing your family and friends so you will be available to provide childcare.

Do not have kids with him. Time to dump him and move back to your home area.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

I actually laughed out loud at that silly question.

I think if I were you I'd be moving back to where I lived previously.

And then question what in God's name made me move 3 hours away from home, to live with a man and his child who at that point you'd only been in a relationship with for a relatively short time!

How long were you together when you moved in, if you've only been together 2 years now??

The question isn’t about moving, it’s about him being controlling about her weekends. She can spend some free time doing what she wants, it’s not all about partner and step child. Plus l bet he guilted her into moving, like he’s guilting her now about weekends

“Grow up.” Is a phrase well used by abusers. There’s info about it on the Woman’s Aid website.

Telling a woman to "grow up" can be a form of emotional abuse depending on how it is used. If the phrase is used consistently to dismiss her feelings, invalidate her experiences, or avoid taking responsibility for harmful actions, it acts as a manipulative tactic to make her doubt her own reality. 1]
When it crosses into abuse
It is used to gaslight: The phrase makes the woman question her own sanity or feelings.
It shuts down communication: The speaker uses it to avoid a fair conversation or listening to her.
It attacks her self-worth: It is used as a put-down to make her feel small or childish.
It covers up bad behaviour: It acts as an excuse for the speaker to continue their own disrespectful or toxic actions.

No, you should end this relationship and move back to be near your friends and family. It’s just not working.

He is isolating you and making you dependent on him
Go back to where you lived before
Dont have kids with him

From the title I was expecting you to be complaining about not getting him to yourself, but he's actually complaining he has to parent his child alone?!

I'd move back home, genuinely. This isn't the man for you.

So he gets to go out and see his chums most nights and you're babysitting HIS child to facilitate that, but you're selfish for wanting ONE DAY A WEEK to visit YOUR family and friends????

He is a cunt and you are a fool for putting up with him.

But you are not avoiding family time. You are prioritising family time - but avoiding doing his parenting work. You are not a parent to his daughter - not married, therefore not a step parenting. He doesn’t think you are entitled to support because he thinks he is entitled to more support than you do.

No wonder you are stressed.

Time to throw this one back, I think, and move back to support network who support you rather than criticise you for not doing their jobs.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

He needs to take his own advice. How about:

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from her with parenting my own child all the time. She says she needs to balance that with seeing her own family and friends one day a week and that is completely reasonable considering that I can see my own family and friends most evenings but she can't, as she moved away from her home to be with me, spends a whole weekend day with us, takes the trouble to plan nice things and babysits on other evenings so I can go out and do what I want.

If I were you I would move back to my home town as I doubt he will change. Whatever you do, don't have children with him, it would be a very convenient way of keeping you tied to the home and parenting his older child by default.

Poor girl, he ought to be relishing the chance to have one on one time with her once a week. I'm sure she'd like that too, rather than being made to feel like a burden he wants to palm off onto you.

I think you're probably both right. I understand your need/desire to spend time with your own family and friends. I can see his POV that, if you're to be a family, you need to engage properly with that, but that probably means a man with a child isn't right for you, and that he needs someone more able to accept a ready made family.

You could point out that 121 time with his child is also v good for the child, but that's not the relationship he wants. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, you won't change it, so your choice is to decide you're happy to live that life.....or not.

I wonder if this is the right relationship for you?

Your partner wants to play happy families and
you don't which is fair enough.
You also have a strong emotional and practical attachment to your old home and don't seem to have fully committed to your new home or location or made new social connections.
Which again is fair enough but you need to really think about what you want. Are you sure enough that he is the person you want to spend your life with, given his first responsibility will always be to his child and your preference is to be with your friends and family who live in a different town.
You are not selfish but you and your partner want different things neither of you are wrong.

Sorry honestly your partner is a dick. He was a dick before, he pretended not to be a dick for a bit to keep you on the hook but has reverted to type.

It’s so phenomenally selfish that I’m flabbergasted. Why should you not see family and friends if you want to and it helps his mental health? He sees his friends and daughter. Plus you try to spend one day with them, shouldn’t he enjoy the fact that he gets 1-1 time with his own child on the other day? It honestly either sounds like he’s either super-lazy or just enjoys controlling you.

Either way I’m willing to bet that your mental health is not helped by him. I would be calling time on this asap.

You’re not doing anything wrong. If you had the child full time (which you almost do!), you would need to take time out to see your friends and family, so I don’t know why he feels you shouldn’t do that with the current schedule too. Weekends are your only opportunity to travel as far as you need.
Talk to him. Remind him that you moved your life to be with him, but that didn’t include cutting off old friends and family.

As a broader point, I assume you knew what you were getting into when moving in with a man with a child? Being a step mum is very tough. Getting the balance right is virtually impossible. He needs to support your efforts, not criticise you or your motives when you need time away.

Not another one of these threads. Move home.

It's funny how his insistence that the 3 of you are a family means you should stay home, but simultaneously means he gets to go out and do his own thing whenever he fancies.

He seems to want you and daughter to be a family while he benevolently pops in and out like a jolly but carefree uncle.

No you aren't being selfish at all. You are entitled to see your family and friends, just like your partner is. Your partner can see his family/friends after work, as they're local but you can't because they all live a distance away.

I suspect the reason you are 'selfish' in your partner's mind, is because you are leaving him to parent his daughter solo for the day, and he doesn't like or want to do it. I say this because when you first lived together, you were the one parenting his daughter, whilst he did other things. Sadly, many men who have shared access arrangements with their child's Mum often expect their new partner to primarily parent their child....hence the coined phrase 'nanny with a fanny'.

You aren't being selfish or unreasonable. Your partner wants you by his side at weekends, so you can help him parent his daughter, or take over that duty completely from him. I resents the fact you are spending a day doing as you wish, and he's stuck with the responsibility of looking after his own child.

I've been where you are, it doesn't get any better. It wasn't the entire reason why I split from my ex (that's a whole different story!!) but it's certainly part of the reason. I moved away too away from my parents and friends.

Honestly? I think you should run a mile.

I don't think this is the relationship for you...you seem to be living 2 half lives...one with your partner and his daughter and one where your family and friends are. But its exhausting trying to do that travel so frequently, and you sound lonely

Go back to where your family and friends are.

There’s no need to patronise the OP with calls to “calm down”. You sound like her partner!

OP, you sound like you were committed to family life with him and his daughter but he took advantage. Well done for handling that effectively - many women have been stuck in such situations for years. Of course you should see your family and friends.

He doesn’t sound like a good guy. He’s gone from being selfish himself, to trying to guilt trip and isolate you. He sounds nasty and manipulative. I’m sorry.

I remember when I slowly had to realise that my ex was Not A Good Guy. I tried to put up with it for a while on the grounds that nobody is perfect. But I left him and found someone who is kind and caring and now everything is wonderful. The oppressive environment men like that can create is horrid to live in.

He is using you op.

Move out...I guarantee the relationship won't last. What a selfish twat he is.

What is this “man” adding to your life?! Does he make you happy? You’ve moved away from your family and friends for what?! Why did he split from his wife? Was it because he doesn’t pull his weight and wants to be out pursuing his own interests? No wonder your mental health is suffering. It’s not the child’s fault and it’s not your job to parent her. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are not the selfish one.

Just move back home.