Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

I would be investigating opportunities at the trusts that are handy to your parents and friends. DP prefers you to do a lot of parenting (whether he is there or not) and he likes to maximise his non parenting time away from you.

As your parents get older, you will find the pull to go home even stronger. You will be needed. You are also perfectly entitled to love your parents and your friends and want to spend time with them. So. Is he really enough to keep you where you are?

I really think some exploration of alternatives is required here. A clear eyed decision can be made once you have looked at the whole situation thoroughly.

This, it’s his child so why are you considering them as your family. Please run from this relationship. You don’t need to take on someone else’s child and situation when you don’t have any kids of your own? Why make problems for yourself? Why restrict yourself for people who if you cut off tomorrow, you would never have to see them again.

How else can you see them?

Move back!!! Get yourself away from this selfish man who only really wants you as an unpaid live in nanny that he gets to have sex with as a bonus.

So it’s ok for him to have hobbies etc of an evening, but you’re not meant to see people/do things that bring you joy on a Sunday because it’s ’family time’ despite spending a Saturday with them and being involved??!!
Sorry but I’d be looking to move back to your roots, he doesn’t care about you, he literally wants someone to share parent duty to his child…

And don’t be such a fool driving back and forth each way - for WHAT??
it’s a joke that you’ve been suckered into such a situation. Dump him- your MH will far improve

He wants to die a baby sitter. If he's so bothered about family time why is he out all the time and why did he exploit your generosity by arranging to be away from his daughter when you were there?

Move back home and be with your support network. Don't make unreciprocated sacrifices for men again.

Your partner is the selfish one.
You're not a "family" you've only been together for 2 years. His daughter is there to see him, not you. You were right to say no to babysitting so he can go out.
He should be happy to spend time alone with his child, but instead he wants you there to do all the work.
You should not be responsible for any childcare at all.
Move back to your home town, he's a waste of space.

This ^^
Do you really need MN to reassure you that you are not being unreasonable?
He’s the unreasonable one in this.
Thinking long term, do not get pregnant with this controller.
Frankly, I’d make a (long term, no hurry) plan to leave. Go home to your loved ones and leave him to his hobbies & kid.
🚩🚩

Agree. What's in this situation for you except the expectation from a man that you play family with him so he doesn't have to parent his child on his own? He's the one with a child, OP. Not you. Walk away.

Yeah, he’s the selfish one, not you. Make plans to leave or you’ll always be unhappy.

He's being really unreasonable here. He gets to see his friends and have hobbies as much as he wants - presumably facilitated by you? He wouldn't be able to leave his DD at home if you weren't there. And then he complains that you're being selfish for wanting to spend time with your friends and family.

Your partner is a knob.

That’s a bit harsh. It’s quite standard for a dad to have their child two days a week, so why is it not for a mum? What’s with the “can’t be arsed”? The mum is likely at work.

Is this the surgeon who is also a PT again? Even if not, please go back home and stay there, he sounds awful.

I am saying what I said. The child came with the man. Regardless of the mother.
So they came as an item.

And I don’t see he has dumped the child on the OP. She felt he was doing things at the weekend and she complained and he stopped.
Now she is doing what he did.

None of this relationship is normal to me.
She seems to want to be single but with him but not the child.
The idea is the be a family together. And that does include doing things separately sometimes. But this amount of tit for tat isn’t normal at all.
And all this it is for the OP to sort. No, it is for them both to sort.

No, she put a stop to that.

Wonder how many of these men who demand “family time” with their kids and their new partners avoided it as often as they could when they were with the kids mum!

Go every weekend: Leave Friday night and return Sunday night. So then it's the same as his hobbies/social life which is fair.

You do you OP and be happy. If he carries on the attack on this the way he is, he doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh. He sounds selfish tbh.

Bit strong ? People are just expressing their views.
When a child comes with a man and you ostensibly take them on and the child is spending most of the week with you, you agree things together. You become a family. There should not be ‘his job to entertain her’.

@Monty36 , When you got together with him his daughter came as part of the package. You cannot separate her and indeed the looking after of her from him.
He seems to have separated himself from his daughter and looking after her.

When a child comes with a man and you ostensibly take them on and the child is spending most of the week with you, you agree things together. You become a family. There should not be ‘his job to entertain her’.
He is not agreeing things together is he. He swans off and leaves his newish girlfriend to entertain his child.

She spends a full weekend day every week with her partner's child. That is the 'middle way' that you have suggested. She doesn't need to calm down, she needs to stick up for herself when her partner tells her that she is selfish. He wants OP there as unpaid child care while he goes out and does his own thing at the weekend.

He should be speaking to his child's mother about why she hardly spends any time with her own child.

No, he hasn’t. She complained when he went out at the weekend. And so he accepted her point of view.

There is a middle way -OP is in that! 1 day for partner and step child. She’s “allowed” to spend 1 day out 7 doing what she wants -the other 5 she works in a demanding job. It sounds like OP is doing all the compromise especially the moving 3 hours away from her friends and family. She can’t orientate every waking hour round her partner and step child

This 100%, he’s got it made, hasn’t he?
Live-in 24/7 nanny/cook/housekeeper/cleaner so he’s free to do whatever he likes.
For heaven’s sake OP wake up! He’s using you.