How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

God op its hard. Grown women can be nasty. You cant change it really. I was at my husbands work thing last week clicky they know each other years so its hard breaking into that.

Ask yourself why would you want to be friends with them, given they actively exclude you.

Whatever you do, don’t tell your dc they’re excluding you, I did and my dd told them “my mum thinks you don’t like her and don’t want to walk with her”, I felt about an inch tall, lol

@Mary46 it really is! I need to get over wanting to break in. It just makes me sad, and sad for my DS who misses the fun his friends are having together.

@TheJoyousHiker because there isn’t tonnes of joy in my life and a beer with mum’s whilst the kids do activities brings me joy. I am friends with another group (older child) and it has been a lovely part of my week seeing them for half an hour for a coffee or chat.

@KojaksLollipop yea I told my older DC and then massively regretted it. Won’t mention to the child it affects. That’s such good advise. God the shame. He’s totally the kid that would tell them too 😱

Its hard. Isolating at times. Met a few nice mams in my daughters year. She 20 now. I still meet them

I find this behaviour (of the clique) so desperate and insecure that it would give me the ick.

I hated that po-faced shit at the school gates and was fine being a lone wolf chatting quietly to the grandparents and child minders. I was happy by myself but still socialised for play dates etc. But I’m more than happy in my own skin and never needed to cower in the herd.

My view would be that if not a single one of them has the character, self assurance or integrity to break ranks and just include you in a nice friendly chat, they’re not worth being friends with. They’re just sheep.

This.

OP, you said you feel like 13 again, probably transported back to school.

If there was a group of popular girls at school who did not want you in their group and excluded you by their actions, how did you re-frame that in your mind?

That group and their kids may have known each other for ages. But it does not matter why. You are not going to break into the group. Looking desparate is not going to get their respect.

It is them, not you.

PS you did not say how old your dcs are. Once your dcs are in secondary school and get to/from school themselves (hence no school gate dynamics), they will have their own friends and you naturally may have contact with their friends' parents through the dcs or not, as mums groups aren't as important then and many women would have gone back to work.

Personally I dislike school gate politics and am much happier at work.

@Screamingabdabz great outlook. I think it takes quite a strength of character to get through the school gate years

i See this attitude a lot. The active exclusion cliquey mindset, it’s really not that, it’s sadly they just aren’t interested, they don’t know you well enough, it’s just a group of friends, thays all. If you went up randomly to any other group of friends would you expect them to do more than this group. Why do you think as your kids are in the same class they should be your friend and if not it’s active exclusion.

i get you want to be friends, but it does need reframing.

I agree you dont need friends like that. Have seen it in our football club thick as thieves then big fallouts. Op you prob well out of it lol

You’ve determined the remaining mums aren’t up to your standards, they’ve done the same with you. You might see yourself aligned with them, but clearly they don’t feel the same. So, just stick with the friends you have outside of school and move on.

I was invited into a group of "popular" mums because I was friends with one of them before. When I realised what a closed, exclusive and mean spirited (talking shit about other mums and teachers) I quickly withdrew.

@fruitfly3 Don't fret it- find genuinly nice mums whose values align with yours to hang out with.

@blueshoes my children are 6 & 9. This is the 6 year olds year group (year 1). There have been three instances of this significantly clichey behaviour in the last 3 weeks. The first I sort of stood with them whilst they ignored me, the second (with a wider group) I just chatted to other lovely mums and the third time I just left and picked my child up at the end of the session. Just made me feel desperately sad each time. Total FOMO obvs. I had another mum friend ‘dump’ me a few years ago and I think that has made me more sensitive. In my older child’s class I have a lovely small group of friends but would (and do) go for a wine with the wider group too). Thanks all, appreciate the support.

@wishfulthinking25 brutal but fair. I think it hits different when it’s a whole group vs a 1:1 vibe but the irony hasn’t been lost on me.

It’s interesting that you’ve written off other mums because …. They’re from another culture, they’re a SAHM and one’s a bit depressed but someone does that to you and it’s all about “ clicks” ( sic) and aren’t they awful to exclude you. People have friends… they’re allowed to have friends. You’re not entitled to join their friendship group just because you really really want to. Perhaps you could extend an invitation to some other mums who might be looking for new friends themselves.

It's tough. I found the other preschool mums mega cliquey and i can remember taking my then 3 and 1 yr olds on the preschool trip to a local forestry place and feeling very much outside of the groups who were sat around with sandwiches at lunchtime.

You'd think someone would have had a quick chat, or said hello, but it was very much a closed circle as you say.
It was an event that I'd driven to so I sneaked off early.

(For Kath and Kim fans it was like when Kel went to the annual meatery away day, and was deffed by the other butchers ☹️ 🤣 )

I had the same thought. You are aligning yourself with the ones you see as cool, interesting, successful etc. But they clearly don’t see it. Yet the others don’t match up.

You need to get past this childish "clique" business and just accept that these are adult women who are friends with eachother as they are entitled to be and aren't interested in being friends with you. They don't have to be your friend just because you want to be theirs. I swear most of this school gate dramas is dreamt up in peoples minds and the evil clique aren't actually scheming and deliberately looking for opportunities to make you feel small, they just aren't interested. They don't even think about it because they don't care. They certainly don't spend all day scheming!

@Divebar2021 i haven’t written them off. I’ll happily have a play date or days out (and do) but the reference points and conversation are just different and it’s not as fun as being with a group of people who have a similar sense of humour and live a similar life to that which I do. I can’t really describe it any other way than there are 11 mums, 7 of us have very similar lifestyles and I’m the one not included in the fun. It stings that’s all.

School mum friendships tend to form organically around those who physically see each other most often. During the younger years, not doing drop offs at parties and play dates was the most obvious one. The mums who stayed and chatted a bit immediately became a core group of friends. Mums who volunteer for school events, trips or parent representatives are also very much included in everything.

To be fair, there can sometimes be a deliberate element of exclusion. It's not always malicious but as you said yourself, sometimes the energy of a person just doesn't align with your own. You may think you have a lot in common but for whatever reason they may not think the same. For instance, I keep my distance from mums whose parenting techniques are drastically different to my own. I've always loved following trends, playing video games, shopping, using social media etc, well before having kids. So I tend to be very lenient in those areas which obviously many parents disapprove of. I don't bother getting too close to parents who clearly don't want that sort of "bad influence" because I can't be arsed to deal with the inevitable drama or gossip.

It may also be deliberate social engineering on the part of one mum. There's one mum in the class who is a raging covert narcissist and it's clear that she's "selected" a group of families who she wants her child being close to. She goes to extreme lengths to organise group chats, events, activities and extra things outside of school just with those parents so the group becomes very close. She's one of those who gets a kick out of gatekeeping people in or out of a group.

@SerenaCat93 i didn’t say they did. Whole other thread about how people use their power to the good and bad in groups.

I read these things a lot on here and I have a friend who feels the same as you OP. I can’t get my head around it at all.

I spend zero time at the school gates. And I do all the drop offs and 2/3 pick ups a week. It has no bearing at all on my child's friendships.

I get that you think it would be nice but I don’t see why anyone would want to hang around with the people who make them feel this way?

Why do you want to be friends with people who have excluded 4 mums from a group of 12? They don’t sound like fun; they sound like a group of dickheads.

@User774563 all this completely resonates. Thank you. I’ve also seen social engineering from some people in my daughter’s class. We have a similar narcissist - her and her husband acively farmed the social dynamics in the early days. Wild - I definitely don’t have the skills or energy for that!