How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

@WilfredsPies fair point 😆 it’s nice to be included I guess. I don’t have tonnes of laughs and joy in my life right now. Will get big girl pants on

Take a book next time and resign yourself to the fact this group is not where friends are being made.

@DandelionPockets that sounds lovely!

I think sometimes people are just friends with other people and there’s no clique intended, just that they are friends and perhaps have been since before school or even before kids.

There are pockets and groups of friends among the mums in our class, I am friends with a few mums and we will naturally gravitate towards each other in the playground as we see each other and talk outside school and have done since nursery, our kids are particular friends so we’ve done play dates outside school, etc; likewise there are other groups of mums I don’t really talk to socially other than a hello, but I don’t think they’re cliquey, it’s just a different friend group that I’m not a part of.

I’ll always be friendly to other people and chat if they chat to me, but if I’m honest I’m not really looking for more friends as I find it hard enough finding time to cultivate the friendships I have.

You just have to understand they are not your people and you need to find your own friends. It's not about anything being wrong with you or them but not everyone clicks with everyone.

But it’s not nice if they include you, because they are dickheads. And if they include you, it’ll be because they think you’re on a level with them. Would you intentionally exclude four mums out of a group of twelve? If they let you in to their group, would you not feel bad about the three women who are being frozen out? That’s verging on bullying and is a bit pathetic for a bunch of grown adults. Have none of them got the strength of character to talk to the excluded mums? Do they think they’ll lose some of their coolness? Do you really want to be included in a group of spineless drips?

Stop thinking of them as the prize, or something to aspire to. They’ve lost out on your friendship, not the other way around.

Yes this one mum thinks she's being smart and manipulative but it's so incredibly easy to see through if you have an ounce of pattern recognition. She actively spreads gossip to smear the mums she doesn't like, usually about how problematic their children are so obviously other parents will keep their distance just to avoid potential drama. Sadly a lot of the kids and mums she targets are ND or have some family issues so it's not entirely baseless.

DH and I try to keep her at arms length and take part in larger events but also decline as many invites as we can without appearing actively rude. It's a tricky age right now because you have to be involved in a lot of your kid's social lives but in a few years when they organise their own activities, you don't have to give these friendships politics a second thought anymore.

@fruitfly3 I have a couple of good friends from my secondary school years, whom I really do love and will always value their friendship. I also have my DH who is my best friend. However, apart from these three I have a rule, I talk to absolutely everyone but friends with no one. So I’m always happy. I love a good chat when I see them out and about (school, gym, shopping etc..) but I never actively want them as a friend. There’s too much pressure and too much disappointment with friends.

Some people never grow out of playground antics so I opted out of playing over 20 years ago.

@fruitfly3 I highly recommend this strategy. Everyone seems to like me as I don’t walk around with desperate on my forehead. Just chilled and happy to chat to whomever.

Exactly. If they are so paranoid about what the others think or just so nasty as to actively excluded mum who wants to chat they aren't worth your time or friendship. They simply don't deserve you.

@shelvedplans love this mindset!

People who feel entitled to be included in friendship groups, and behave as though something unjust and awful is happening to them when they’re not, are people I tend to give a veeeery wide berth. There is always some level of grievance and fault-finding and sourness and drama, and that is not what I want from my easy casual social relationships.

I thought the same. You are doing this to the four lovely ones, but trying to get into the clique/in crowd. Take the hint, they don't want you in thr group.
I will be honest you are coming across a bit desperate. Get on with your own life.

Honestly, I had to wait until my son was in year 5 before I found that 1 mum who was actually nice, normal and decent.
I was sick to death of the stupid bitchiness and idiocy of the cliquey mums and luckily I found my person.

@shelvedplans that’s amazing and very wise. Lovely, happy mindset.

@ToffeePennie love that for you. I think sticking with the lovely friends I have and treating my sons class with @shelvedplans plan is the way forward! Thank you all!

I realised that I didn't actually like them much anyway. So they were no great loss. They mostly ignored me unless they wanted something such as free childcare, which they never reciprocated.

I could forgive them for not wanting to be close friends with me, but not for repeatedly excluding my elder DD. Our three daughters were in the same class and were a trio of best friends.

Ironically, a few years later my DD is still close friends with one of the girls, but the other girl is now in a completely different friendship group, as they have different interests these days.

Exactly this.

I've seen the other side of this now where a crazy woman tried to insert herself between me and my friend and make us a trio of besties. We weren't interested because we found her too OTT. We continued to be polite and courteous but still hungry out with eachother as always and didn't invite her to join us, she started laying it on thick about how she felt isolated because we were excluding her and made a big show of being upset we hadn't invited her whenever we did anything together. All it made us do was grow to dislike her very quickly and actively start avoiding her. Cue people trying to comfort her with all the "it's their loss!" Clichés being trotted out here. No, we didn't lose anything, we wanted her to leave us alone! We just wanted to carry on hanging out with eachother like we have for years without this woman harassing us! She acted like she was entitled to our friendship and time when she certainly wasn't and we didn't even like her. She's finally got the message and left us alone and it's bliss.

We weren't scheming and planning the social order, we just weren't interested and wanted to be left alone, like these women and every other mum group ever to have a thread started about them.

It sounds like you don't like them OP.

Kept my distance!
Was friendly (or so I thought!) with a group of mums in reception then found out all of them were going on a night out but I wasn't invited.
Never socialised with any of them again and kept my distance until the kids left school.
Makes me feel a bit sad as I don't know what I did but it taught me a lesson.

I had an experience a bit like this, not at school but with my DD's ballet class when she first joined. All the other mothers already knew each other and their DC went to the same school nursery. I tried to be friendly but it was clear that I was not welcome. One one occasion two of them deliberately sat either side of me in the waiting area and had a conversation across me like I wasn't there. After a while I decided just to ignore them so I'd take a book or put headphones on and mind my own business. I was way too old for childish games. Then some weeks further down the line became apparant that one of them had discovered what I did for a living and all of a sudden after months of being frozen out I was terribly interesting and worthy of being invited to join their activities. I continued to read my book and put my headphones on. Nope. Not a chance that I wanted to join their clique. Later new people joined and I chatted to them and made some really nice friends. The original clique continued to ignore everyone else, but frankly nobody cared.
Rise above it OP, and either make friends with the other mums or do the equivalent on my book and headphones procedure. You can't change how they behave but you do have control over how you respond.

I coped by focusing all my attention on my children instead. They deserved it more for sure.

That is a fascinating approach to human life @shelvedplans i am so impressed and intrigued!! How does it work, how do you effectively pie people if they are interested in your friendship? Or do you ever feel like you might want more friends?
x

@AgeingDoc I’m sure that was quietly satisfying! Interesting how some people like to socially climb.

@musicalfrog so so much goes into my children - I need something for me. Mine won’t need me so much in a few years.

I handled it head on a number of years ago…explained to them exactly how it made me feel and realised they were not friends at all. Haven’t spoken since….you are far better off without them. Difficult and upsetting of course…shoulders back, big smile and best foot forward. Their loss x