How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

Our group set up a few years ago, it started with meeting for coffee and blossomed. The admin have decided to keep it just us (c13 of us) and I don't like it at all. It's a clique!

I have friends through book club etc who want to join and would fit in perfectly and they can't join.

It's made me pull away quite a lot, so much so that one of the group commented on not having anything in the diary. Well that is because I used to post loads of things to do which triggered others to do the same (honestly I'm a prolific organiser, lol). Now I've stopped their momentum has stalled...

I'm now joining other groups to broaden my contacts. Perhaps you could do the same...

This is very true.

Also, what would you tell your child if they felt excluded from a group of class mates? Same advice applies to Mums at the school gates.

FWIW I felt a lot like this about Mums in my elder child's year but subsequent kids had much friendlier parents.

It’s like this in my daughter’s class at school. There is a little gang of families who do everything together, the children dominate the local art club, they even all go on holiday together. They barely speak to anyone else.

I have dealt with it by not trying to have a gang or posse of friends but instead trying to work on my one-on-one friendships with other parents. There are some lovely other people out there.

One day they’ll have a big falling out, I expect.

@Booboobagins that’s interesting. I’m about to join a very small group linked to my DD disability - I’ll do what I can to keep it open to others

They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh and are also exclusionary.

Are those really the attributes you want in a friendship group?

This was my thought. Just as OP has written off the other “lovely but not aligned” mum’s maybe they have done the same with her.

I have one or two close school run mum friends. We go for coffee and don’t invite others because we are friends and want to catch up, it’s nothing personal to anyone else. It’s just become a routine. I would never exclude anyone from parties etc, when new kids join the school, I’ll tell them about things or invite them to the WhatsApp.

i can understand i was a teen mum im 28 now im ALWAYS excluded and always judged maybe based on my appearance because i don’t put a full face of makeup on every morning and happy to wear joggers on the school run I've tried to make friends so many times nobody is interested, my daughters friends mum actively ignore me I’ve tried to reach out multiple times about my daughters birthdays and i just get blanked it’s quiet a hard thing to deal with to be honest it really eats up me sometimes im 28 with 3 kids and i don't even have a single friend not 1 keep your chin up and F them you deserve better, some woman really can be awful

@Namechangeforthisdilemma1 this isn’t that though. This is excluding the one other mum in your class group who is present whilst you stand watching your child play a sport for half an hour. It’s not the play dates, nights outs and WhatsApp’s that I’m taking about. In my DD class, we used to go for a coffee whilst the girls played football, all together. Whoever was there, despite any close friendships. I had a closer friendship group and we were all perfectly capable of chatting with the wider group whilst we waited for our DC.

@Creepyoctopus totally get this and sorry you experienced it. I’ve had one younger mum in each of my children’s classes. I have made lots of effort to chat to both - one commented that I am the only person who speaks to them. They’re both amazing, interesting and lovely. I’m not bragging but just making a small point to those intent on making me out to be exclusionary / desperate etc.

There is a clique in both of my kids classes, and I’m not in it, I do know and like a couple of mums from both cliques but they’ve never gone to any lengths to include me in the group so I just wave hello and stand separately with my phone. Thank god for the invention of phones 😂 I mostly use wraparound clubs so I think it’s more because they don’t see me in person often rather than any specific efforts to exclude me. To be honest I’m that busy with work and then life at the weekends that I wouldn’t really welcome the extra meet-ups but I could see it being hard if someone wanted that.

I don't really see the problem with it. When it's happened to me I just look elsewhere. I don't want to be friends with people who don't want to be friends with me. (Equally I don't want to feel obliged to be friends with someone because they want to be friends with me).

You don't sound much better though - your judging the other mums not in the group!

It's probably the same situation with them as you with the other mums - your just not there cup of tea

Just maybe they are a group of friends,. Why do women immediately determine they are being horrible just because they chat amongst themselves. Get your own group.

@OrangeWire OMG phones! What would we fill those awkward moments with?

Get a dog. You'll talk to decent people every day, andcsome of them will be humans. Fuck the school mums. I hated that shit.

This is quite a difficult read op - you want to be in the ‘cool’ gang and seem to be quite happy not to engage with the other 3 or 4 mums, who you have decided aren’t for you. Perhaps give them a chance, you never know how friendships might develop over time. I was mostly included at the school gate, but in my experience it is superficial - my closest friends are those who I met outside of that environment.

@SinuousTendrils 😆 I’m being lobbied hard for a dog.

This is precisely what has happened at our school. The kids have fallen out and so the dynamics changed.
I obviously rubbed my hands with glee and watched the drama unfold.
What's funny is that their child has aligned themselves with mine so now they want to be friends. No thanks.

You reap what you sow.

I always had more one on one connections with the other mums (and sometimes a grandparent) at my dc’s primary, could never really ‘break into’ a group although I didn’t put much effort into trying other than being pleasant at pick up and drop off and at our dc’s birthday parties and stuff. I definitely found some mum’s easier to get on with than others, such is life.

I’ve noticed with both my dc that there seems to be one ‘main’ group of mums in each class and then the rest of us who kind of float around or keep to ourselves. There were always 2/3 mums who I got on well with and seemed like a good sort. But since my eldest went off to secondary I’ve not really spoken to any of the mums from their year group and I expect the same to happen with the youngest too. A lot of the time it’s not really a true friendship (although it can happen of course) more a relationship of convenience because our kids happen to be in the same class. Once you stop having to do the school run, that’s it. And then you realise that all the clique stuff just doesn’t matter in the long run. So try not to take it to heart op.

Why does is seem to only be school mums who have cliques? You don’t hear men saying ‘I’m so upset that 3 men from work have started working out together and I’m not part of their clique’. I. Every other walk of life it’s a friendship group and that’s allowed but school mums have to include everyone or they’re awful people.

@TurnAngerIntoHope thank you 😊

If you are in a position to adopt, do it. It's the best decision I ever made for my health and social life. Who needs mum friends when you can have dog mum/dad friends?
Sorry they're being shitty by the way. Why are humans like this?

Bloody hell, you sound vile.. rubbing your hands with glee. What a twat

I can’t really describe it any other way than there are 11 mums, 7 of us have very similar lifestyles and I’m the one not included in the fun. It stings that’s all.

So if you were included in the fun, it would be fine for the other three mums to be excluded because they have different lifestyles?

I had two totally different experiences. My daughter's cohort were difficult. The mothers were bitchy and tribal. My son's totally different. Really open and friendly. Same school, two years apart. I have no answers!