How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

My youngest joined a school in P2 ( year 1 ) so I think that some friendship groups had already formed , probably from the attached nursery.
We had moved house from a different part of the country miles away , so started all over again with friendship groups .
I felt there were some cliques and in fact I was completely excluded from some organised get togethers including a Christmas night out ( no WhatsApp back then )
One group was discussing the night out , I overheard and mentioned that I’d known nothing about it .
Anyway , don’t completely discount the SAHM + the one from a different culture

But why did you feel you were entitled to join a group of friends Christmas night out when they weren't your friends?

But you can do nothing about it. People are funny buggars and nothing brings out the funny buggar in someone more than having kids. I'm not saying that they're right but I'm saying you're going to get nowhere letting it bug you. You are there for your kid at the end of the day. Just be polite and take a kindle or find something to do on your phone. It actually makes things a lot less complicated for your child if you don't create adult drama because they're free to explore friendships with anyone they want and set their own boundaries rather than feeling compelled to be 'besties' with someone just because their mum is the only mum that their mum will talk with.

I think a clique is just a group you aren't in, It's one of those nouns you can conjugate, - you know, "My belongings, Your stuff, Their shit" type of deal.

My best friends, your friendship group, their clique. They are friends.

No one owes anyone else access to friendship groups. I think the more people recognise that, the happier they'd be. It certainly made any daft schoolyard drama disappear when I thought of it that way.

They are clearly not the right people for you. Don't feel rejected, just find friends elsewhere.
I could never understand the need to socialise with the mothers of other children in your child/ren's class. They are just random people, with whom you most likely have nothing in common except the fact your children go to the same school.

Never would have occurred to me to even think about it. There are lots of groups of friends in the world that don’t include me. I have my own friends and don’t include every other person in existence. Your friends are your friends, it’s not like a forced thing anyone owes you. There are lots of groups of mums in my dc’s schools that don’t include me and I’ve never really pondered it! I have my own friends and a lovely life. I’m not really desperate for more.

So if miracles happened and the clique opened up to allow you to join, would you then try and open it up further to include the other “not quite right” mums, or would you be okay with keeping them outside the clique? I am guessing the latter.

Absolutely this.

There are a few children in DD's year who only seem to be allowed to have playdates with children of their mum friends, which is a shame, and quite limiting. Their closest friends are not these children, but they seem to have to have them at their parties rather than their actual friends.

I encourage my girls to keep a broad friendship group, which seems to have kept them out of much of the girl dramas. As soon as someone isn't being nice to them, they make the choice to hang out with someone who is rather than getting dragged into the drama.

A group of random parents I would agree but friendship groups have established conversational topics, in jokes, dynamics, etc. And ones which they might not feel comfortable engaging with in the presence of an 'outsider'.

They might not have wanted to interrupt the natural flow of their conversation to include someone who wasn't part of it just to provide company for that person. And whilst that might seem 'rude', I'd consider it equally rude for someone to insert themselves into the group.

I go to the pub after work one night a week with 3 or 4 colleagues. Our conversations are personal, political and occasionally touch on work issues. We talk about our families and stuff that we don't share with other people at work. It's common knowledge that we do this and occasionally someone else will say, "I think I'll come to the pub with you tonight." Now, we'd never say no to any of them and its a rare occurrence but it definitely changes the atmosphere, conversation amd dynamic and we end up having superficial chit chat about work, which none of us ae particularly interested in but we don't feel comfortable discussing our usual topics with people who are 'just' colleagues.

Most of the time, they don't come again because they think we just have boring conversations about work! 😄 but the truth is that we don't want to have our usual conversations in front of them and end up feeling a bit frustrated that we haven't been able to have the conversations/jokes we'd like to have.

So what are they chatting about in the clique? I find people mostly gossip about others or moan about stuff - school, teacher , other kids - maybe last nights tv (not much nowadays)
I now don’t socialise much and don’t miss it -I have a couple of friends whom I see occasionally. But the local gossip I don’t miss.
Most people are interesting when you get to know them, and that is mostly 1-1 so I would try harder with the ones who aren’t on the clique.

playground mummy mafia, definitely to be avoided at all costs. Make friends elsewhere.

My son did hobbies outside school so made friends that way - and the parents at the hobbies were much less cliquey and controlling of of their kids' friendships.

I spent as little time as I could at the school gates or collecting from school-based activities. Fortunately we lived close to the school so I could time it to perfection.

It was open to each and every class mum , it was a small class of 24
I wasn’t told at all , so I looked bewildered the next day when a few of them were discussing what a lovely meal it was and some were saying “ oh sorry I couldn’t make it because my husband was away and I couldn’t get a babysitter “
So seemed about 18 of the 24 mums were there

@Daftypants that’s brutal. My DDs class still have whole class drinks a couple of times a year and then smaller groups do their own things in between.

We do school bus. Breakfasts everyone is asked and drivers. Op rise above them I did find some mams know each other they dont want new friends. Its hard though isnt it

That is mean. Yes, a few mums who are friends can of course go and have some drinks without everyone. But class drinks is just that - everyone is invites.

The next year they remembered to tell me in advance 😆 some of them were very nice , one was queen bee 🐝😂

Is it a “ clique “ of mums, or just a bunch of women who for whatever reason, don’t want you as part of their friendship group? 🤷‍♀️

You don’t need to be friends with school mums and they don’t need to be friends with you. I got over it by not caring one jot to begin with. My friendships are separate from the kids’ friendships and so I don’t risk any fall outs affecting a wider relationship. I maintain a friendly manner with school mums, can chat about the kids, be in each other’s company, organise school events together if needed etc but otherwise I am not socialising with them or texting them as pals and it works wonderfully.

I went to a NCT reunion recently, held at one of the couple’s houses. The kids are all in their twenties now. Old photos came out, including Halloween parties held at that house. I knew I had been phased out but it still hurt to see those photos. When I said I had never been to that house before, there was a slight awkward moment by the host… . I know one couple was surprised and slightly shocked by my revelation. I guess they’d presumed we could never make it to those events, and hence weren’t there.

My DS is in his 20s. None of my close female friends are Mum friends. One is my oldest friend from secondary school and the others are those i've made through various jobs.

So it may seem hard atm but it doesn't have to be the case that because your children are friends or in the same class that you will get on.

I think this is the issue, and it’s quite widespread. A lot of women are lonely and want to make friends, so they eye up other mums at the school gate as the easy option, they are right there,

but yoire no more entitled to their friendship , than if you go to the pub and see a group of women there regularly or as your kids are friends . It’s just not how friendships work.

the op felt free to not be friends with the other mums she not interested in, and she’s completely right, she is free to do that, but then bizzarely felt some how excluded when it was done to her.

Absolutely agree in theory. But in practice, when you see your child not being invited for the sole reason that your not part of that mum group, it's pretty rubbish. If the mum group friendships were just about the mums, then it doesn't matter if friends with them or not. But seeing that mum's and children's friendships often seem to be closely intertwined, and the behaviour from a group of mums results in a child being excluded, then thats pretty frustrating.

So I don't think that mums are always looking for friends at the school gates is because they are lonely, but because they know it will probably bring better opportunities for their child.

I had this with the parents whilst my eldest was young. I found that there was a particular couple who were at the centre of it all, and they pushed people out who didn't meet their idea of "good enough"

I coped with it by recognising that actually, they weren't my idea of people who id be friends with outside of the school gates, so why was I bothered within them?

From that point onwards it was easier.

With my younger kids, when theyre in school, I will not be bothering with parents if they can't be bothered with me, and I won't sweat it.

It sounds like they feel the same way about you as you do about the other mums. Maybe this could be an opportunity for you to get to know the "less popular" group and find that different can be good. A bit of a wake up call maybe to see what it's like being on the other side and to learn that cliquey behaviour is for people who haven't moved past the school mean girl stage.