How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

So it's ok for you to decide the others aren't good enough for you but not ok for the "clique" to decide you're not good enough for them? You sound like a hypocrite.

This ⬆️

you reframe by by realising they are not nice people and not worthy of your friendship. End of!

@musicalfrog so so much goes into my children - I need something for me. Mine won’t need me so much in a few years

Ok, you asked how we got over it so I was just sharing how I did.

Surely you have other friends and interests outside the school run?

I don’t play into playground politics whatsoever. My DC are mostly in breakfast and afterschool club so I don’t have to but at this time of year when I’m WFH marking/researching, I have to do it. I find the inane chatter between them tedious at best.

There’s one mum who did make a point of talking to me once in a queue to go into a concert last year. She started splurging about her birth trauma and all sorts! It was just a bit … weird. Anyway, I’ve always greeted her since but then my DH went to her DC’s bday party a few months ago and had a really in depth chat with her DH for most of it. They talked politics and had literal polar opposite views (her DH was a MAGA supporter) but still got on really well. Now she avoids me. She literally puts her head down if I walk past or looks the other way! Can’t fathom why, it’s just plain weird.

So yeah, people are strange and it’s best to find friends elsewhere. This period is a short snapshot of your life anyway. Just turn up on time and get out of there.

That’s really nasty. You must be one of the clique-mums.

She didn’t say they weren’t up to her standards just explained some differences that make it a less good fit.

I just got on with making a busy life that didn't revolve around the school gates.

These threads baffle me.

It's absolutely fine for 6 or 7 women to become friends without them being bitches or a clique or being like mean girls or giving people the ick or whatever nonsense is trotted out in response.

I'm fb friends with several of the mums from my daughters school year. They're all in their second year at university now. I haven't seen most of them since they all left primary school but it's nice to see how her old school friends are getting on and the paths they've followed. I assume they keep me on there for the same reason 🤷🏻‍♀️ but we've never been friends.

Even when they were at school, it was obvious some of them had become friends. They posted photos of nights out and holidays. They still do it now. I've never once had to 'deal with it' or 'get over it'. I see it, 'like' it because it's nice to see people enjoying themselves and having fun and then move on with my day.

Friendship groups should be inclusive of the people within the group but you don't express an interest in being in a friendship group or apply. They grow organically and that is fine. I don't actually understand why people think they should be included in someone else's friendship group.

It's not playground school bully behaviour to not want to include someone you have no interest in being friends with in your friendship group and it doesnt mean theyre not nice people! It's not a failing on their part if they don't want to be friends with you. Whatever their reason might be.

That can be the hard bit. I will chat to people at pick up, or not, happy either way.

But when I found out my daughter (11) was excluded from her best friends birthday event, and the mum had invited 3 children whose parents she was friends with, it did feel pretty rubbish. My daughter said she wasn't bothered, and she knew it was because this mum didn't like her, although she didn't know why. That was horrible, and I felt guilty, that it was somehow my fault that DD wasn't invited, and I reassured her that it was not her fault in any way. This mum actively blanks me, doesn't reply if I say hi in passing. But is quite happy for her daughter to come round for playdates and sleepovers.

School isn't a place for me to make friends (although i have made some in younger daughters year). But if the playground politics impact on my children then it does upset me.

It's also just part of the toxic bekind culture directed at women.

Because you never hear of male friendship groups being described as cliques or mean boys or whatever. Men are allowed to be friends with whoever they want without it being seen as a moral failing if they just don't like or have no interest in being friends with someone

I still think the point stands about you deciding the other mums aren’t for you, maybe these mums have done the same.

It’s not personal. Just as you feel ambivalent about the other mums, you don’t hate them, they’re just not for you.

This- OP I get that you would like to be friends but these obviously aren’t your people and that’s ok for all parties,
I would hope they wouldn’t be rude and ignore but beyond saying hi to you I think they have the right to have their night out, if any of us was out for say a meal with our friends I don’t think we’d be happy if someone who we only vaguely know came over and tried to start joining in. I know it’s harsh but that is the reality. Just because you are school mums and your DC are in the same class it doesn’t mean you are destined to be friends. Time is precious and we all have a choice on who to spend it with.
Do you do any activities where you could make friends who have the same interests?
If your child is friends with some of theirs you could still suggest play dates and may be able to get talking to them that way.
i’m sorry you feel so disappointed with the situation and that’s ok but try not to let it become the be all and end all and focus on building relationships with others.

Because I wasn't invited or included it means just that it doesn't mean i was excluded

But why do grown women come across as 13 year old more and more on here

It is the way you frame things and that comes with maturity

Oh grow up. She's just being honest. OP isn't a good fit with this group of mum either or they would want to hang out with her. Women are entitled to choose who to be friends with without t it being a "clique". All this "you have to include me or you're a clique" behaviour is so childish, it's what 5 year olds do in the play ground!

I am not easily likeable, I'm not actually sure why!
I can stop a WhatsApp group conversation in it's tracks just by replying with a perfectly normal answer same as anyone else..
I've just accepted I am an outlier for reasons I cannot understand.

I think allow yourself to feel left out here. It's how you feel and it's valid.
Being left out really hits our mammalian survival brain.

I'm not sure I agree with the "they're just a group of friends, they don't have to include you" comments.

I mean I agree that's true in terms of going on a night out, going on holiday together etc.

But OP is describing standing at a kids' activity where (I think?) the only other parents are that group of 6 or 7, and OP trying to join in chatting to them and being given the cold shoulder. I do think that's really mean - I'd chat to anyone who was on their own in this situation.

They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine.

So you’re basically saying “I really hate cliquey mums who don’t want to include others, but the other non-cliquey ones aren’t my sort of people and therefore aren’t important”? The hypocrisy is strong here.

Some women you’re only connected to because your children attend the same school haven’t gone overboard to become your friends. So what? People you barely know not embracing you as one of their dearest friends is nothing to stress over. They’ve got friends, presumably you do too - that’s normal. They’re not awful people because their lives don’t revolve around you.

I absolutely agree with this. If you throw 100 kids in one place, there are also 100 mums involved and statistically, you are going to get individuals from all kinds of backgrounds and mental statuses. From observation, it's usually one grandiose or covert narcissist that puts an immense effort into creating the "inner circle" and they will rotate members or relish leaving others out just because they can.

This is usually a mum who tends to be wealthier and doesn't mind spending money to make sure everyone around her has a good time. To be fair, narcs aren't always crazy and can be extremely charming and generous if they want to. So they pull a group of people together and have themselves in the centre of it all. They're active in the class chats, friendly with the school, love bombs the teachers, caretakers, lunch ladies etc just to get gossip or favours.

I would argue against all the other mums being "insecure" because humans are tribal animals. It's obviously better to be in the group that out, hence the whole point of this thread. Loads of people here seem incredibly condescending of even caring about being "included" but surely the alternative sounds extremely crap. My parents were one of the peripheral families growing up and never made an effort to befriend my friends parents as I don't think they would have been accepted anyway. I did have friends and sleepovers but my parents only did the bare minimum like drop offs and pick ups. I always felt we were missing out on a depth of experience such as going on holiday with my best friend's family or even on a day trip together.

I have stopped caring genuinely. I refuse to be something I’m not. I have 4 children.
In my eldests class we used to do play dates, park visits after school etc and we were close but when our kids moved to secondary school the friendships tailed off.
My second child’s class were harder to get to know- lots of type A personalities and lots of bitchiness on class groups so I wasn’t interested- they were too high maintenance for me.
My third child’s class I struggled with the most as my son had behavioural issues linked but not completely caused by learning difficulties and I felt I spent most of the time fire-fighting and apologising.

My 4th child ( and only one left in primary education) class are a nice bunch but I think I’m over the whole school gate drama , I’m pleasant will
talk to anyone but I don’t push myself and only get out of the car at the last minute. Also I work now and my eldest son helps with the pick—ups

I have realised that a lot of friendships you make through your children are transient and are very dependant on your child being friends with theirs, if the children fall out or your way of doing things don’t align with theirs then the friendships seem to fizzle out.
I have lots of friends so I don’t need to chase people- I’m far too old and lazy for that.

This just seems so extreme. Talk of desperate insecurity and “cowering in the herd”, just because they formed a friendship group that didn’t include you? And how you were a “lone wolf”… you were collecting your kids from school, not trying to survive a zombie apocalypse.

💯

You really do sound just as bad as these women. I used to pick up my kids from school riding my son's scooter and wearing a mini dress. And was a SAHM. You'd have hated me.

I agree. They of course don't have invite OP on nights out etc. But to ignore a person saying hi on school premises is just bad manners. It's the same as a workplace, you might not like or be friends with all your colleagues, you might not see them outside of work, but whilst you are there you need to be polite to everyone.

My parents were one of the peripheral families growing up and never made an effort to befriend my friends parents as I don't think they would have been accepted anyway.

Yet you describe the parents that do make an effort to get to know other parents and set up play dates and activities as narcissistic and attribute all kinds of negative intentions to their involvement. 🤷🏻

As someone who is part of a friendship group with a few other families, I know we've been referred to as a 'clique' by at least one other parent - her kids are rude and obnoxious (to both kids and adults) and she is a lazy parent who does nothing about their poor behaviour while 'generously' giving us permission to tell them off on the grounds of being 'a village'.

It rarely works to tell someone that you don't like their kids and disagree with their parenting, and it's not my job to teach them all how to not be dicks, so we just don't hang out. There seem to be other people that are happy to put up with them all, but she still insists that she's 'excluded' from our group to anyone who will listen. 🤦🏻

Just cracked on and hung out with my own friends.