How did you get over being left out by the other mums?

[fruitfly3]

Just that really. I have realised that there is a little posse of 6-7 of the other mums in the class that I’m not part of - actually, I’m actively excluded from. They are the sort of people I’d have a good laugh with and really enjoy hanging out with at the kids activities (professionals, similar interests etc). But they have formed a group that definitely doesn’t include me. The 3/4 other mums are lovely but not people I draw energy from (one is from a different culture and our sense of humour and chat is just different), one is a bit depressing etc and one is a SAHM whose outlook and life is super different to mine. It’s made me feel 13 again and left out by the popular kids - made me question how I come across and feel horribly self conscious. I went over to them at an activity tonight - they acknowledged me and then turned away and closed their circle. It was pretty awful. Not looking for explanations (or really to bitch about them) but wonder how you reframe it in your own mind? Adults are so so hard to make friends with.

Absolutely. They owe you politeness and courtesy, but not friendship just because you think you're like them.

@SinuousTendrils that sounds really lovely. We are almost in a position, not quite, but nearly.

I agree, just because they are not including you that's not the same as actively excluding - you probably just aren't on their radar. Which sucks, but you need to stop giving them any headspace as I'm sure they aren't giving any to you!

Why are you so bothered? Honestly I marvel at people who have the time or mental energy to give a shit which mums do or do not like you. You've admitted that some of these mums at least aren't your cup of tea for various nitpicky reasons and yet you're blaming them because they aren't gushing over you. You're not entitled to be friends and it's ridiculous that any grown adult should need somebody to validate them for the 5 minutes they're waiting to pick their kid up from school. Just smile, be polite and let things develop (or not) organically and stop being bitter about people who just happen to have clicked better with each other than they have with you. Primary school is a very small world, dynamics change all the time and you definitely don't want to make a spectacle of yourself for the sake of your kid.

This!!

Any school clique is full of insecure mums. Usually one narcissist who sets herself up as queen bee, then other varying degrees of insecurity that fawn and rotate around her.
Try joining a new club or pursuing a new hobby OP and make friends with people with whom you have more in common with than having copulated during the same scholastic year window.

@Comeinsideforacupoftea because it was hurtful. Stood next to a group - all of whom I know and have chatted to many times before - chatting and having fun whilst being completely left out. It wasn’t 5 minutes it was a 45 minutes club.

Thanks all - I’ll leave it there. Appreciate all your comments - really helped in framing which is exactly what I needed.

What a pile of crap. What you will find is a group of people that get on well with each other. And someone on the sidelines bitching.. who are you in this scenario

I have over the years been on some meet-ups - when asked - for coffee, lunch, new gym class, theatre etc… but usually not more than once, maximum twice per person. I tend to back-away if they want any commitment to friendship. After saying a couple of times I can’t make it or the new class isn’t for me etc… then the offers tend to fizzle out naturally, so no one’s left upset. I just go back to being genuinely pleased to see them when I’m out and about and go back to having a good old natter without meet-ups.

This works for me.

As I said my DH is my best friend so I’m happy to do everything with him and to see my school friends now and again for nights out. Never any pressure and never any friend’s issues.

I suppose it could change in the future but not anytime soon.

Oh it’s horrible! I took my DS to baby sensory classes as a FTM, from what I could gather most of the other mums there were second-timers and already knew one another from when they attended with their first babies. They’d all save each other mats, chat amongst themselves and go for lunch or playdates after class, and I was never included in conversation or invited to the ‘afterparty’ 🥲 I’d always make an effort to say hello, introduce myself or attempt to chat and got short shrift! I ended up dreading Thursdays because I would leave the class feeling very lonely and a bit embarrassed, but DS loved it and I’d already paid for the full term so I made myself go. Thankfully the other groups we went to were much friendlier!

I could never deliberately exclude someone so it’s always really jarring for me when I see people behaving like that.

Neither! Someone who drops/collects and then gets on with the rest of my day.

Amusing - thanks!

Op. When my son started at his primary school, I wasn’t local so only knew people at work. I was really looking forward to making some new mum-friends. There was a clique, and I made such an effort, but it seemed I couldn’t break in. It dawned on me that they were all local women and just weren’t interested. I made one lovely friend, who wasn’t local either, and our sons were best friends through primary school.
Other than that, I chatted to the nans or the dads.
But I was quite down on myself over it. I see you!

I sacked them off and focused on my relationships with my family, old friends and work colleagues. Honestly, the worst part of being a mum has been the cliquey behaviour. Small circles are to be celebrated in my experience. You might find the few you don't think you have much in common become close friends - I have.

It's sad to read this. Never really had this at ours-and there is a very diverse group, as in some people who don't work, some who have never worked, some "high-flyers" if you like, and people from different countries who speak different languages, yet pretty much everyone is happy to be friendly to everyone (there are some people who have anxiety and other reasons for not wanting to talk, which most people respect). I made friends with some mums and dads that I might never have met otherwise (and hope to keep some of these friendship long after the playdate years finish), and most everyone seems to feel that once you're a parent, you're all essentially the same-we're there for our kids.
All I'd say from your post OP, is that the mums you class as different from you maybe feel you're excluding them? Maybe that's not the case, but your post reads like you just want to be friends with the 7?

Ok.

You 'marvel' at them? Why would you take the time to judge people who surprise you by noticing and articulating their sense of comparative isolation?

This. Look, OP, it’s fine for some people to not like you, or to be fine with you but not want to be your friend. It literally happens all the time. Only a minority of the people that you meet, ever, will want to befriend you. Sometimes you’re drawn to the same people who are drawn to you, and sometimes unfortunately not. But it happens to us all. No one’s doing anything wrong, and I think it’s much easier and healthier to discard the mindset that people who aren’t interested in being your friend are in some way wronging you or ‘excluding’ you.

I’m socially confident and have never struggled with friendships in general, but sometimes people you like just aren’t interested, and that’s normal. They don’t ‘owe’ you. It’s certainly happened to me. And I’m sure there are people who’d have liked to be my friend who just didn’t interest me.

I'm a big believer in re-framing, but in this case, what if you treated it like a cocktail party, and just strolled over and casually said, "Good morning, may I join you?"

i hated school gate politics but if there are a gaggle of men ms in a clique then there must be loads who are not in the clique. Make friends with them, you want good mates not popularity.
if they’re that political chances are there will be politics between then too so jys Let them be and do your own thing. Good luck op!

Haven’t got my glasses on. Apols for spelling!

Absolutely this

This, op came across horrible about the other mums so fair enough that they probably judge her too!