AIBU to ask family to keep vegan takeaway dishes separate?

[TakeawayRow]

Last weekend we got an Indian takeaway with family who were visiting. Everyone chose their food and I ordered it.

Some people decided they wanted to try others food, everyone was ok with that but I asked that people didn’t use the same utensils for the vegan dishes and meat dishes because I’m vegan and didn’t want meat in my food.

I thought this was a normal, fair and easy request but a couple of my family members started saying I was being over the top and asking what I thought would happen if some meat got in my food. I said I didn’t want to eat meat or animal products, even tiny amount, not that I thought anything would happen. They accused me of ruining the evening. I didn’t. I asked them, they caused a fuss, I explained my reasons and then carried on with the night. Everyone else got on with the night but these 2 spent the evening making sarcastic comments towards me and ignoring me at times.

Would you have had an issue with using separate utensils to put some of the vegan food on your plate, would you have seen it as ‘over the top’ or just been courteous and used different utensils with no fuss?

We are seeing this family member again next month. Lucky us. We will likely get a takeaway again and I’m thinking of just saying hands off and no one can try mine. 😬

Oh you wouldn't believe the amount of meat eaters who start questioning me about my choices, and then when I answer with honesty and fact they get all defensive. Groups are the best, you get people pointing at their canines comparing themselves to lions. No smugness about me not desiring to eat animals.

Of course @TakeawayRow guests were rude and unreasonable. It is a perfectly reasonable request.

Oh my word, I cannot believe some of these responses. I am a meat eater and I would totally respect your request. The fact that others think you should be ok to eat meat traces is bonkers. I believe some people see the reference to vegan and think you're going to start preaching to them and try and convert them to veganism and reprimand their food choices. The fact you paid for the food and allowed meat options in your house is respectful to their preferences. You shouldn't have had to ask them to stop dipping their own forks into your food. Who wants their germs in your food regardless?! They were rude and disrespectful

I haven't said I would double dip if I wasn't explicitly asked not to. You are making up a strawman to have something to argue against. So no. Not spot on.

I stick to social expectations. All I've said is that I find people making a big deal about what they will and won't eat when it has no impact on their physical wellbeing tiresome and a bit annoying.

No double dipping is a common social norm but also something that is frequently not stuck to amoung family and close friends. I stick to whatever is appears to be the consensus for the group I'm with and I accommodate dietary requests whenever I'm able to, regardless of what I think of them.

My thoughts exactly. They're bullies and need to be put in their place.

I stick to social expectations. All I've said is that I find people making a big deal about what they will and won't eat when it has no impact on their physical wellbeing tiresome and a bit annoying.

Like your posts.

I suspect that vegetarians and vegans find you tiresome and annoying.

Seriously, why do you find it so difficult to abide by or respect other people's dietary requirements? It really, really isn't difficult.

And there really is no "cost" involved. It isn't hard to just use a different serving spoon for each dish.

All I've said is that I find people making a big deal about what they will and won't eat when it has no impact on their physical wellbeing tiresome and a bit annoying.

What about our emotional wellbeing @ClayPotaLot?

Do you think we choose not to eat meat just to be annoying and self-righteous?

How is it OTT to not want food you don't eat mixed into your meal?

S Indian and Gujarati food is generally completely veggie / vegan anyway .

I can't imagine anyone being so rude as to make a fuss as a guest about being asked to use different spoons for each dish. It's completely normal to keep vegan and veggie food separate on BBQs and serving plates etc, and the idea of a guest having an extended go at the host...well, I would be telling them to sort out their attitude if they want to come again.

But definitely put a serving spoon in each dish and don't let anyone help themselves to your food.

It's normal, IME to share dishes as part of an Indian meal - but with respect.

But having to eat with your relative would put me off my dinner, anyway.

I have been vegetarian for over 30 years. My body's just not used to the animal fats now & it can make me rather ill. Roast potatoes cooked in worh the meat will give me D & V, so it a health issue to

I haven't said I would double dip if I wasn't explicitly asked not to. You are making up a strawman to have something to argue against.

Me: Costs like…using the serving spoons provided and not double dipping into the dishes someone has kindly bought for you?

You: It is a cost. A cost in thinking and policing your actions to fit in with one persons desire for how things should work. It's obviously not a drastic cost, but it's still a change in behaviour that she's demanding solely for her own image of herself.

🙄

I suspect a LOT of people find you tiresome and annoying.

She definitely does.

If your emotional wellbeing is so fragile that other people not being concerned about your self-imposed dietary restriction harms you - you really need to be working on that. You can't expect the world to revolve around you.

The reasons someone chooses a not medically necessary dietary restriction aren't really relevant to that. And my default assumptions about reasons people choose them do not normally include intentional annoyance or self-righteousness.

If I spent my time arguing like this at a group meal, I'm sure they would!

Using the forks with which they'd been eating to snaffle bits from chafing dishes and others’ plates would repel me far more than meat contamination. Savages.

"I did exactly that but people started using their own forks going from one to another instead of the ones I had put with each dish, which is when I asked they didn’t put meat forks in the vegan food."

That is vile, regardless of the vegan aspect.
I'd have stopped them from a hygiene POV.

What do you mean by "respect" here? I go along with people's wishes to avoid cross contamination or particular food stuffs to the extent that I am able.

Do you think the respect that people should have for other's is an agreement that what they do is necessarily good and worthwhile? That there is no way to tolerate beliefs but disagree with them? If so, how do you cope with differences of opinion in a pluralistic society?

I'm sorry OP, you sound very reasonable and it's completely understandable that you would use different utensils! I had a similar thing a few years ago, my daughter was allergic to dairy and eggs so I cut them out when breast feeding, I said I had the allergy to make it easier. Rang a take away and explained - but they put it in the box with dairy products! My brother told me I was overreacting and really upset me, I got an apology from him when his girlfriend told him he was being out of order!
Do not share food with them in the future!

I do note that every lecture I get about it being unhealthy comes from someone whose diet consists of fatty meat sandwiches, takeaways, fried food, alcohol and sugary products. When they tell me it is unhealthy I am always asking since when did they worry about health issues? It reminds me of the blokes who when a feminist issue is discussed (for example domestic violence) are all 'But what about the men who experience it?' When in reality they've likely never even thought about those men before that conversation. It's exasperating. And boring now.

OP you weren't being unreasonable. Even a slight taste of animal product would put me off eating the whole dish which is not fair. 'Can you please use a different' spoon is perfectly reasonable and no different to asking someone to take their shoes off, use the side door or turn the light off when they leave the bathroom. Absolutely fine IMO.

I do sympathise, I too have some twatty relatives. My Father told me not so long ago that my diet is appalling. We can ignore the fact that I only eat with him 2 or 3 times a year (so how on earth can he know what my diet is, to know it is 'appalling' anyway?) and look at the fact he's about 5 stone overweight, diabetic and has a diet consisting of meat, bread, cheese, chocolate and pints of beer and assume that he is not one to take health advice from!

It is completely reasonable of you to want this. It does suggest that they don't respect you and your veganism and find it annoying.

You are not being unreasonable - I eat everything but I still don’t like takeaway food dishes ‘dripping’ into another one.

Sometimes you don’t want to eat a particular thing.

It’s so easy to use a dedicated serving spoon.

Are you saying they were using their personal forks that they’d been eating with and dipping them into the dishes, because that’s grim.

I ate meat for the majority of my life. I have never once had a vegan lecture me on my diet.
I have been vegan for 6 years. I don't mention it unless I have to (whisper to the server that could I please have the vegan pizza) say no thank you when I'm offered a non vegan thing without saying why etc.
Yet whenever I do have to, I can guarantee that someone will start with either "I hardly eat any meat myself BUT..." or "Oh I couldn't ever be vegan! All that disgusting food and don't you worry about your health...?"
Having sat on both sides of the table so to speak, it really isn't vegans that are the diet police.

But why precious? People who are vegan clearly have really strong ethical feelings about not eating meat and would probably feel disgusted to have done so accidentally. Would you say the same to a Muslim or Jew in relation to pork?

I find it mad that everyone seems to know these preachy vegans. I haven't ever met one and I've been vegan almost 25 years. I have met a hell of a lot of preachy meat eaters. I've had bread and dripping waved in my face by a relative even. It's odd. I think also that it is a bit like those 'All lip fillers look terrible!' Claims.
No. All the ones you NOTICE look terrible, they're too big, hence you noticing them. Women who get their lips done in a way that's subtle and looks natural, from thin lips to slightly fuller ones, you cannot tell they have them.

Most vegans keep it quiet IME. Like you, I am quiet about it until it become relevant (restaurants, if invited to someone's house for dinner, if someone asks if I like a certain dish). People who think 'All vegans are preachy' have most likely had vegans in their outer social circle, colleague group or such that they wouldn't even know about, and just only remember the one time they saw a vegan who was slightly more open about it, or came across one on social media or whatever.

I've known people for years who don't know I am vegan, find out from someone else and express surprise, because their image of a vegan is a lentil weaving preaching emaciated hippie and not me, living alongside them in their 'normal' world, with my normal life and a bit of a belly!

Preachy vegans are purely fictional. Like people who tell you they went to Oxford just after they say hello.

Who is lecturing? The woman just doesn't want to get a piece of meat in her vegan food. Perfectly reasonable. No-one has even mentioned 'lecturing' anyone.