To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

Your obviously not very close to your step son and so feel a resentment that he has a relationship with his dad . The fact that he came around, maybe he needed to just see his dad and spend time with him. Your children get to see their dad every day, do could you not have just said to your husband, right we will do this tomorrow night and get some more wine in, and cook that meal and tell him you had plans for the next day

Spot on

Date night is date night. We budget, so our date nights are usually something at home. But they're important. Regardless of the level of fancy.

Maybe for you it's not date-night-worthy plans. But for OP and her DH it was. For DH and I it would be (though he'd be on your side that salmon is manky, we'd have fillet steak).

The plans could have been anything really, the fact they weren't leaving the house doesn't suddenly mean that it is ok to bin it off for a general chitchat.

Huh? Quality time with your partner IS a priority. Or it should be. And that can look like dinner and sex

Your tone seems off when speaking about your SS...

Couldn't you all 3 had a good time, having a glass of wine and chatting? If you didn't have your back up, you may have enjoyed it!

Also, saying you wouldn't just turn up at your parents... Many people do have that relationship where they can just rock up, my parents home is an extension of mine! He obviously feels comfortable enough to pop in to see his dad, i think that's great!

I can just rock up to see my parents, but equally they're allowed to have plans and it not be a good time for me to have appeared.

If you don’t ever prioritise your relationship even when your dc are adults and it seems there was no crisis then I don’t see your relationship being very healthy

I wouldn't consider any blended family to be honest.

If they had said ‘we are heading out shortly’ how would you feel? I’d feel 100% fine. Because I know parents have a life.

That date night was to be at home is irrelevant. It seems for whatever reason DP and OP don’t go out out. So their date nights at home are their version of going out. Abd that’s ok

Speak for your own family...

I don't have a blended family.

DH and I are not a blended family.

We prioritise time with one another in a way that works for us and our family.

That's healthy in a relationship whether you're blended or not.

I agree, but because you are not in a blended family your children are more likely to feel secure and pleased with you and your DH spending quality time together - rather than in a blended family where there is more likely to be jealousy and resentment.

In tact two parent families and blended families are apples and pears.

But in this instance, the son is an adult with his own home.

Sorry son, we've got plans tonight, come tomorrow for dinner with the family?

He's turned up unexpectedly. They might not even have been in. Adults expect that other people have lives.

So how can you possibly say they dont work?

Of course it was a date night. It's about the intention.

DH and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary with a meal at home this year because he's on crutches following knee surgery, so he can't really go anywhere. If DS were young enough to go to bed early, we'd do it with him at home. He's 12, so he's staying at MIL's for the night.

I agree it's a bit annoying, but can't you just do it another night?

I would never turn away one of my children for an at home date night (not that they are old enough to live elsewhere yet!).

Honestly I probably wouldn't turn away my sister, mum, or close friends either.... it's just a meal at home you can do it the next night if there's not enough for everyone.

Because every bit of clinical research suggests they don't.

But I am sure you will soon be telling me your kids "adoooooooooore" their new new step dad.

Sorry you've had such a hard time about this OP, but this Mumsnet where people seem to believe that stepchildren should continue to take precedence over everyone else, even after they have left home and are in their 20s
FWIW I would have felt miffed too and disappointed that my date night had been hijacked. Your husband should have a quiet word with his son and tell him to phone rather than just turning up. You are entitled to spend some adult time with your husband occasionally.

I still don't think they really had plans.

Surely that depends on their schedules though?

DH used to work shifts. He doesn't now, but when he did we would plan evenings that were just ours, whether we went out or stayed in or did anything "special" at all. It was just about making sure we had that time together.

If one of those got interrupted, it could be a week with his shifts and other things planned in before we could "just do it another night".

Those nights were sacred.

I wouldn’t get worked up, you could have done it the next night after the kids were in bed, you can do it every night when the kids are in bed tbh.

Which honestly just makes you sound like a snob. It wasn't fancy so it doesn't count as plans.