To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

lol

Bonkers

YABU for having salmon on a date night

I think it is good for your DC and good for you to habituate them to babysitters, OP. If affordability is an issue, as for many, you could participate in, or start, a babysitting club. Or, if you or DH have special skills or use to older teenagers (eg tutoring specialist subjects) you could barter

Many DC come to regard an evening with a babysitter as a treat!

Even if you and DH don’t want to go out alone, every family is one emergency away from needing a couple of good babysitters who can be relied upon. That isn’t the time to be searching for one.

Is there a bit of an age gap here @poorlytoe ? You seem to have young children together but he has a SS that's 20?

It could just be different perspectives (assuming you don't have older children). He might just have been enjoying a visit from his son that he doesn't get to experience as often as he would like. It's a different perspective from when your children are up your ass around all day to enjoy.

That's speculation though

If any of my sons turned up and my partner told them to or wanted them to leave I wouldn’t be happy. Yes if we had tickets or actual plans I would say something but just having salmon and wine I’d expect it to be shared. I’d be the same with his adult kids too

YANBU, with young kids/busy schedules it may well be the only evening op and her DH had free for proper quality time, I'd also be annoyed

You had a date night planned which meant a lot to you. Your DH should have let your SS know when he turned up. He could have had a cuppa with him or a beer whatever for a bit. YANBU.

It would have annoyed me slightly at first because my brain doesn't always do well with changes of plan last minute, but not enough to want him to leave. I'd have just settled into it and been like "ah, well, we'll do wine and salmon another night" 🤷 and then enjoyed SS's company instead.

I think people are being a little unfair dismissing your date night as irrelevant though. Not all couples get to spend as much time together as they'd like. Some work shifts or have other commitments, or illnesses which mean they need more sleep etc etc etc it could have been a rare treat for OP
Or it could be that DH is generally a bit useless and ignores and plays WOW or something and it was important to her that he made the effort.
So I understand, but still think it couldn't really have been helped.

You didn't have much planned, just dinner and wine. Which absolutely could have been share by three, just a smaller portion.
It would have been horrible of him to ask him to leave, it's not as if you had tickets for something.
Why can't you do "date night" tonight or tomorrow?

Why would he do that? That's a bit mean to suggest it!

These comments are mental.
unfortunately, the minute you mentioned you were a stepmother you were never going to get support!

I fully agree with you.
SS lives 10 minutes away. Your DH could have easily said, “listen Paul, myself and Poorly are just about to have a bit of a date night but pop tomorrow for some breakfast”
or something like that.

it’s poor form him just rocking up like that.

Your kids go to bed at 7oc, surely any night could be planned for? Buy another bottle and have it tonight.

Maybe he doesn't like salmon.

Because it was planned for when it was. A meal in and a bottle of wine with time alone when kids are in bed can still be a dedicated date night.

😆 🤣 well there is that

Why didn’t you just include the step son on your evening and share some food and drinks with him?
it sounds like step son is lonely if he’s spending the evening at his dads and you could make him few more welcome .

I’d be quite disappointed but not to the extent that I’d expect DH to turn his DS away.

it’s not for anyone else to tell you whether this was a date night or not, mind. You should probably have a talk with your DH about expectations regarding unsolicited visitors

It doesn’t, but if it was a request for attention, then OP and her DH could have declined and he could have come by another time.

But my point was less around the OP and more about the point that a mid 20s person perceiving their parents house as a home they can come and go from at their whim. I’m always welcome at my mum and dads without warning, but as an adult I think it’s courteous to let them know I’m coming, and would be very understanding if they said “sorry we’ve got some salmon in for tea and I haven’t got enough in for 3” and I’d make myself scarce before they wanted to eat.

Middle ground is usually best - you should've asked him to leave at 9ish so he felt welcomed but you still got some adult time.

That would have been nice to tell his date partner that then.

I think people are different and its impossible to say wether you are being unreasonable without knowing the people involved and other factors that may influence this.
For me a planned meal at home with my DH would not be something id ask my adult child to leave for but i might if wed planned an evening out.
My adult child is welcome to turn up at any time for any reason at our home and always will be but others make different arrangements and need warning/agreement to be happy. its a perosnal matter wether asking him to leave was reasonable or unresaonable.
It wasnt your DH fault, it wasnt your DSs fault,it wasnt your fault.
Talk to your DH about how he really feels about his DS calling unannounced,is he happy with that,would he prefer notice and agreement?
If its the later (as you seem to be in favour of) you are going to have to communicate this to your DSS.
In these days of painful difficulties that can occur in blended families your DSS obviously want to spend time with you both and feels secure and wanted enough to just tip up at your house....to be honest thats a compliment to you and your DH. You have obviously done a lot right.