To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

Good grief it’s his son …. You’re also unreasonable to refer to it as ‘quality time’ 🙄

Plans are plans. Not everyone can afford to go out, or has the resources (as you say a baby sitter). Spending time together at home is just as valuable.

People bleat about how folk don't make the effort, its the small things.

Well this is what you tried, and people are still shredding you. So sad of them.

OH should have said something, or at least hurried him a long a bit. Its not like he is MILES and miles away.

@poorlytoe so why didn't you say something? It would have been far easier for you to say something than your DH!

"oh hi Fred! Nice to see you. We're just about to sit down for a date night dinner and a glass of wine. There might be enough food to go three ways if you want to join our romantic evening?"

(and then he would say no thanks, then leave...)

It's tricky as there was nothing wrong with you and DH planning a nice meal to have at home together - I'd be miffed if someone else turned up. But there again, if it was an adult child of mine, I wouldn't ask them to leave either.

Does he usually drop round without warning or was this very unexpected? If he does, then it's hard to suddenly change the rules or to expect an evening without him turning up. However you could try again tonight?

Or get a babysitter? Is there a reason you don't have one? When our kids were young we used babysitters rarely so usually only for pre-booked events and had date nights in like you describe. But then no one ever just turned up at our house in the evening without warning.

Do people really have wine and dinner with their partners every night and have a couple of hours to sit and talk? I’ve got young kids and most nights it’s work / DIY / professional webinars / supermarket / cleaning once the kids are in bed. Setting aside an evening for nice adult food and quality time IS a date night. But I can understand why he didn’t want to kick his son out

Children (even adult ones) have been through the trauma of their parents divorce, so lets not start throwing them out because there is a bit of manky old salmon in the fridge.

Calling it date night sets an expectation of spending quality time together as opposed to just have dinner and potentially do your own thing afterwards. It's sitting at the table after and having a conversation, maybe getting a little bit dressed up and putting some music on while you eat.

OP, you're not unreasonable. DH and I quite often have at-home date nights. DD gets told she can be awake and reading but she has to be upstairs, she's a bit older than your DC. We might have a meal that she doesn't tend to enjoy but we do, and we'll buy a better bottle of wine than whatever is on offer 😆

DSS is not a child, he can absolutely be told you have plans without it being about whether he is loved or wanted. There's having an open door policy with your kids and there's being entitled to spend time as a couple when you want without being subservient to that policy.

if I were a stepmum I’d think carefully about turning away my stepson if he turned up unexpectedly. You could have had your date night the following evening.

And surely you could have added something from the fridge or freezer to turn the salmon dish for two into a dinner for three.

I would also suggest that you look into finding babysitters. Being stuck at home all the time is no way to live. (Why would stepson not be able to look after his siblings every now and again - what’s going on with that?)

Oh for goodness sake, how melodramatic.

Facts don't care about your feelings.

Why should she? The night was planned for just the two of them. Does OP feelings not count?

This

Oh, I forgot to mention that the at-home date nights were actually something we started when DD was a baby and we ended up in relationship counselling. The counsellor was the one who proposed setting aside times to be a protected date time for us to reconnect as a couple and that they didn't always have to be fancy nights out or time away.

Well noone was being thrown out and salmon isn't manky. So not really facts, just hyperbole from you.

Honestly, that's the only way some parents get a date night. Make dinner a bit more special and later on when the kids are asleep.

He’s an adult. No it’s not

That's what I thought 😂

When my two were little and we couldn't get a sitter, date night would be a couple of bottles of wine and a takeaway. I know everyone is different but salmon is a weekday lunch here.

There is huge amounts of data and research available.

On salmon being manky??

It is a well known scientific descriptive word, manky, I suppose. So maybe there is. Can you provide these studies and data analysis for the mankiness of salmon, please?

I’m torn. I do think a nice meal and a bottle wine is plans and if that’s what you like do plan for a date night then fine.

I also don’t turn up at anyones house uninvited including my parents, it’s just not something I do or expect. Other families are different so I guess it depends if you have a ‘drop in’ family I guess.

Maybe the stepson assumed a Thursday night isn’t exactly date night territory and wanted to pop in.

Haha - touche.

I was referring more to the trauma of divorce on children!

I'm not convinced that letting an adult child know you have plans when they unexpectedly turn up at the place they don't actually live counts as adding to that trauma, though.

I have keys to my mum's house but if I tipped up unexpectedly, let myself in and she was doing dinner for two, there's no issue in me then occupying myself for the evening. As most adults can. Because that's not my home, it's hers and she's allowed to make plans without having to cancel them for me last minute so I can just hang out.

I don't think it matters where the date was or what the food was. Surely it's the principle/date night's significance.

I would still state there were not really plans.

If they had the theater and savoy grill booked then yes of course say something.

A couple of salmon fillets doesn't constitute plans.

Why don't you do babysitters?